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Emme Emme is offline
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I call it baggage for lack of a better word. Before I go further, let me say that I am a decent person, have a good sense of humor, am reasonably intelligent, educated, my face doesn't melt paint off of walls and I'm kind to a fault. That being said, I have quite a bit of baggage that someone would need to get over. Such as having had a gastric bypass. Such as still being too heavy. Such as mental health issues that are almost but not quite under control. A job I cannot stand that makes me feel incompetent all day long every day.

I am not looking for Mr. Perfect. I'm looking for a nice man, relatively intelligent, has a job and is responsible and who thinks I might be worth the work that I might turn out to be. I think theres is enough good in me that the difficult might be minimized, but seriously (especially men), do I simply have too much baggage? I just want some serious companionship. I love sports and sex and kayaking, golf, canoeing, and all that outside stuff many guys like. Is there even a chance for me? I'm not really dating right now as I'm trying to get my meds and health under control, but I often wonder if there's any point at all.If I'm going to end up alone, why go through the agony of repeated rejections?
- October 31st, 2009, 07:55 pm
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chrysalis08 chrysalis08 is offline
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No, you don't have too much baggage, it's just your special person is going to be special. My dad said it once in a way that I liked... If you fish in shallow water you catch fish from the schools of guppies... you have to wait for the better fish to come up to the surface from the depths every once in a while. Those are the ones you want to catch.
- October 31st, 2009, 10:25 pm
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hazmat hazmat is offline
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You'll find that guy EM. He'll see the kind, intelligent, funny gal we know you to be. Most everyone has baggage of some sort. You just haven't found the right baggage handler.
- October 31st, 2009, 10:54 pm
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propchick propchick is offline
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To be honest, it's a thought that's haunted me for years, too -- Is it possible to be too damaged to be loved? And, yeah, I really think it is possible, but I don't think you're there.

Not at all intended as making light of your issues, because they are serious ones, but you didn't list anything that would make someone gasp in horror and run away. They all seemed like fairly normal issues that a lot of people are dealing with. Certainly, a potential significant other may have questions and you may need to have some serious talks, but I don't think they're deal-breakers.
- November 1st, 2009, 12:36 am
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neardc neardc is offline
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Yes; you can have too much baggage. If your baggage is preventing you from entering into new relationships and managing to sustain them in a healthy way, then that's too much baggage.

But, what's also important is how you are dealing with your baggage. Do you even recognize that you have baggage? (You obviously do...) Do you understand your own role in maintaining your baggage? (Ditto.) Are you working to overcome your baggage and move forward in a healthy way? (Once again; you are doing this.) From previous posts, it sounds like you picked up a little more baggage over the last (very tough) year, so that might be a bit of a setback for you. But, once again, you are facing that.

Haz has already mentioned some of your positive traits that people here who read your posts see in you. I'll add that you are also very honest. But, it does seem that you are more honest with yourself about the negative things that you see in yourself than you are about your many positive characteristics... Just looking at your list here, I see that you put having had a gastric bypass in the negative column. I realize that this has some negative implications for how you have to eat and perhaps with respect to your physical appearance (e.g., loose skin after weight loss), but there are lots of positive things to say about that, too, no? You took a major step to get control of your health. And, it's a brave thing to do, too. Plus, it's helped you to lose a good deal of the weight you wanted/needed to lose. All those are positives...

The only question I have is, how do you combine sex and kayaking? There's not a lot of room in those things! And, Eskimo rolls have got to be really tough under those conditions.
- November 1st, 2009, 01:48 am
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meri75 meri75 is offline
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Emme - I'd like to echo posts particularly from Hazmat and nearDC. You're very thoughtful and empathetic. Your posts are a pleasure to read, insightful and well put together.

I agree with nearDC that having the gastic bypass surgery need not be viewed as a negative. I've had my stomach banded - I know that what you had done is a more invasive surgery and it takes courage to make a decision of this magnitude. One that will impact your whole life .. for the better! (PS You know you're courageous too right?)

Sometimes - I wonder if those of us who have known what it is to 'be heavy' sabotage our opportunities for happiness and success in relationships? I know I sure have ... it is very tempting to stick with what I know, rather than try to view myself through someone's else eyes: someone worth having.
- November 1st, 2009, 01:16 am
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lil_lamb lil_lamb is offline
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i have the sneaking suspicion that all a woman needs is to seriously want it. however, that's easier said than done. you can want to want it, but not want it. you may be too tired, etc. etc.
- November 1st, 2009, 01:55 am
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Emme Emme is offline
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You are all very sweet. I know I have good characteristics and I don't mean to minimize them (though my shrink says the same as you all, that I do minimize them and emphasize the negative, so I'm working on that). While I am still accepting matches on eH I am no longer initiating communication. If a good guy initiates with me I'll respond, but otherwise I'm not looking and am working on me for a bit. This ends up helping my golf game, strangely enough, as I find myself at the driving range working out issues on a bucket of (nonhuman) balls.

As for sex and kayaking, it takes a lot of work to combine the two, and I find a lake kayak is better than an ocean kayak. Haven't pitched over the side yet or rolled so something must be going right. Oh, did I mention though that I'm alone? :-)
- November 1st, 2009, 06:12 am
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D_Lion D_Lion is online now
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I do not classify your attributes as baggage (at least, based on my definition, which is the incorrect assumption made of a present partner, due to the present partner sharing an attribute with a prior partner.)

I do think you list some negative attributes, which will limit the portion of men who will either be attracted to you, or find the compatibility to go forward. This applies to everyone, so it is only a matter of degree.

Being heavy is a serious negative attribute, but not baggage; referring to men as “shallow” if they are not attracted to you personally is baggage. Eating habits are for me a major lifestyle element (since it is done daily and usually together.) I am personally turned off by the incessant self-criticism and complaining that I have usually encountered in overweight people – and the “I’m a princess at any weight” attitude from most of the rest. Taking steps to fix that is the right action, but needs time.

I also would not refer to medical / psychological issues as baggage; these are also attributes. Again, some would present me with either an incompatibility or an unnecessary risk (though with my casual history, not a significant one. I do not want to keep with the casual pattern, so I expect to place more emphasis on this area going forward.)

Hating one’s job seems to apply to most people (or, at least some elements of the job.) Same as the weight, I would suggest that (at least for me) all that is needed is to not burden me with complaining about it.

If you are making steady, observable, documented progress (not talking about it, doing it), I have historically gotten involved on that basis. Unfortunately, that has not proven to be a wise choice: “works in progress” tend not to work once getting the relationship. That’s not baggage either, it’s experience.

And that sets up a tough choice: to get involved on the hope the person improves (this came up in a different thread, about encouraging the girlfriend to lose weight, and the OP got ripped by the usual people), assuming you can win that guy in the first place, which is an unlikely scenario to succeed. Or, take the caliber of partner you can win today, often giving up something you want; this sets up a growing-apart scenario. Or wait, while dating casually (what I do.)
- November 1st, 2009, 08:04 am
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nightling nightling is offline
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We are all works in progress, Emme. Whether you meet the right guy, it is important to care for yourself. You send the message to yourself and others that you are a valuable person worth knowing in that way.

Keep meeting new people and going about your life open to the possibilties. Try not to be concerned about the outcome, but just explore and enjoy life.

There is so much more to you than who you are or are not with. There are many opportunities for happiness, and you deserve to be happy. The first step to being happy is believing that.

I wish you well.
- November 1st, 2009, 08:26 am
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