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brneyedangel brneyedangel is offline
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brneyedangel would greatly appreciate it if her voice would find its way back to her!

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meri75 wrote :
Emme - I'd like to echo posts particularly from Hazmat and nearDC. You're very thoughtful and empathetic. Your posts are a pleasure to read, insightful and well put together.

I agree with nearDC that having the gastic bypass surgery need not be viewed as a negative. I've had my stomach banded - I know that what you had done is a more invasive surgery and it takes courage to make a decision of this magnitude. One that will impact your whole life .. for the better! (PS You know you're courageous too right?)

Sometimes - I wonder if those of us who have known what it is to 'be heavy' sabotage our opportunities for happiness and success in relationships? I know I sure have ... it is very tempting to stick with what I know, rather than try to view myself through someone's else eyes: someone worth having.
Very well stated, Meri75.

Emme, I agree with what Meri75, nearDC, and Hazmat have said in their posts about you. Your posts are reflective of a strong, insightful, intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate, honest, independent, and caring woman.

Do you have too much baggage? Nah, I don't think so. Everyone has baggage, whether they'll admit it or not. It's a matter of whether it's tucked away in a closet where it can't ever be seen or dealt with, masked/veiled by happiness but not truly shared or dealt with (which makes it a roadblock), or actually something a person chooses to deal with and not allow to become a deterrent to moving ahead. You see, acknowledge, and deal with yours, which means in the end, you're going to be much happier than most of the people you see on the boards here, imho.

I think that sometimes the weight of the responsibilities that causes some baggage gets kind of heavy, and it makes it hard to see and accept the good that others see in us. I think, too, that when the same message is received over and over, we start to believe that this is the way it's always been, so this is obviously the way it's always going to be. I know I have this problem, but I'm working on it and I'm trying to get better at this whole thing. You are too, and you've done so much!

I'd have a very hard time believing that you are wasting your time, Emme, and I really believe that there's a guy out there who is going to be totally blown away when he finally gets to meet you, and you're going to feel the same way when you meet him. Have faith in yourself, see the good that we see (and I can guarantee that others see), and keep at it.
- November 1st, 2009, 10:38 am
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Sassafras54 Sassafras54 is online now
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+1 to the above. You seem to me like a great catch for the right guy!

Emme wrote :
I'm not really dating right now as I'm trying to get my meds and health under control
Why are dating and dealing with meds/health mutually exclusive? If you are waiting until you are Perfect to start dating, you will never start? Or is it some circumstantial, temporary thing?
- November 1st, 2009, 11:02 am
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meri75 meri75 is online now
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Sassafras54 wrote :
+1 to the above. You seem to me like a great catch for the right guy!



Why are dating and dealing with meds/health mutually exclusive? If you are waiting until you are Perfect to start dating, you will never start? Or is it some circumstantial, temporary thing?
Sometimes dealing with a medical issue becomes so exhausting and time-consuming, there is nothing else left to give for a bit. I've taken the same tack, believing that a man worth my time should actually be worth my time.
- November 1st, 2009, 01:08 pm
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Fleuellen Fleuellen is offline
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Oh, I have a steamer trunk ... of course there is every chance for folk with positive attitude, enthuastic and fit ... and I've seen you photo; you're quite attractive!
- November 1st, 2009, 01:37 pm
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Emme Emme is offline
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Sassafras54 wrote :
+1 to the above. You seem to me like a great catch for the right guy!



Why are dating and dealing with meds/health mutually exclusive? If you are waiting until you are Perfect to start dating, you will never start? Or is it some circumstantial, temporary thing?
I'm not waiting to be perfect. I'm never going to be perfect so that would be silly on my part. I am just in a period of trying to get medication adjusted so my moods are level and not in the way of the rest of my life. That will take some time, and also a lot of energy on my part to try to actually identify what is happening with me at any given moment so I can help titrate things. As I said, if a great guy comes by I'm open to it, but I'm not actively looking right now.

Oh, and if anyone is interested in a dysfunction family of heavy drinnkers who judge people on how much they weigh and their education levels, let me know. I've got a big one just looking for new blood. I've kind of cut out on them for a bit.
- November 1st, 2009, 02:38 pm
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Emme Emme is offline
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Fleuellen wrote :
Oh, I have a steamer trunk ... of course there is every chance for folk with positive attitude, enthuastic and fit ... and I've seen you photo; you're quite attractive!
Thank you, it's always nice to hear there's someone on the planet who doesn't think I'm a troll. :-)
- November 1st, 2009, 02:39 pm
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WYskywatcher WYskywatcher is offline
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Emme wrote :
Oh, and if anyone is interested in a dysfunction family of heavy drinnkers who judge people on how much they weigh and their education levels, let me know. I've got a big one just looking for new blood. I've kind of cut out on them for a bit.
Good for you!!

Emme, from what I've read on the boards you have a great sense of humor and grounded perspective on many topics. Look at this time as a season in life to focus on yourself and your health. Keep smiling! It looks good on you!
- November 1st, 2009, 03:48 pm
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Emme Emme is offline
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D_Lion wrote :
I do not classify your attributes as baggage (at least, based on my definition, which is the incorrect assumption made of a present partner, due to the present partner sharing an attribute with a prior partner.)

I do think you list some negative attributes, which will limit the portion of men who will either be attracted to you, or find the compatibility to go forward. This applies to everyone, so it is only a matter of degree.

Being heavy is a serious negative attribute, but not baggage; referring to men as “shallow” if they are not attracted to you personally is baggage. Eating habits are for me a major lifestyle element (since it is done daily and usually together.) I am personally turned off by the incessant self-criticism and complaining that I have usually encountered in overweight people – and the “I’m a princess at any weight” attitude from most of the rest. Taking steps to fix that is the right action, but needs time.

I also would not refer to medical / psychological issues as baggage; these are also attributes. Again, some would present me with either an incompatibility or an unnecessary risk (though with my casual history, not a significant one. I do not want to keep with the casual pattern, so I expect to place more emphasis on this area going forward.)

Hating one’s job seems to apply to most people (or, at least some elements of the job.) Same as the weight, I would suggest that (at least for me) all that is needed is to not burden me with complaining about it.

If you are making steady, observable, documented progress (not talking about it, doing it), I have historically gotten involved on that basis. Unfortunately, that has not proven to be a wise choice: “works in progress” tend not to work once getting the relationship. That’s not baggage either, it’s experience.

And that sets up a tough choice: to get involved on the hope the person improves (this came up in a different thread, about encouraging the girlfriend to lose weight, and the OP got ripped by the usual people), assuming you can win that guy in the first place, which is an unlikely scenario to succeed. Or, take the caliber of partner you can win today, often giving up something you want; this sets up a growing-apart scenario. Or wait, while dating casually (what I do.)
I don't think men (or women) are shallow if they are not attracted to overweight people. We can't help to whom we are attracted. I am constantly working on my weight, so that will always make me a work in progress. I am self-critical about my size and complaining about how difficult it is to lose weight, so I will work on keeping those things in check. I had not before given it that much thought. I guess I always thought men wanted to know I was not happy with my size and was always working on getting healthier. And for me, that is the key - being healthy. I am extremely active. I do love to watch football, but as usual I'm doing something (putting up wallpaper border and touching up paint) while I'm watching. I just don't do the sitting still thing well, unless I'm in a theater and it's a great movie. Mostly I start looking at my watch at about an hour. In any event, I eat well and my body is what it is. I could eat better but I don't dump all over myself if I eat an oreo.

As for the mental health and job issues, they unfortunately for me go hand in hand. I hate being a lawyer. And the longer I have to do it because I can't find a job I'd like better, the more depressed and trapped I feel. I do a lot of volunteer work to make my life worthwhile, but for now that's a HUGE struggle for me. But again, after hearing your perspective, I will try to not dwell on it so much when speaking to others. I know I hate it when someone harps on something so perhaps I need to listen to myself more and see if I have become one of those people I dislike.

Thank you for your input, DLion. You have given me things to think about.

Emme
- November 1st, 2009, 04:06 pm
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hazmat wrote :
You'll find that guy EM. He'll see the kind, intelligent, funny gal we know you to be. Most everyone has baggage of some sort. You just haven't found the right baggage handler.
This is my new mantra. Thanks!
- November 1st, 2009, 08:17 pm
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EMTZ EMTZ is offline
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Emme,

There is at least one attribute that I find very admirable based on your posts: you are very gracious in receiving advices delivered in various manners. I have seen cases on the boards where a few people asked for advice but later became very defensive because they didn't like the way some advice was delivered.

I personally think it takes an amazing person to be able to accept advice, no matter how badly it is delivered, and you seem to be just that
- November 1st, 2009, 08:35 pm
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