I need to let down my guard, how?


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vinlukin is offline vinlukin Post #1  September 24,2009, 1:15am
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I was in a relationship for four years where the last year and a half consisted of only having a house together that she lived in. This was a rocky relationship that ended badly and cost me a lot emotionally and financially. The house finally sold 6/9/09 and it really was one of the best days of my life.

On 7/11/09 I met someone and we immediately hit it off. Our dating progressed well and I thought things were going well but on 9/7/09 she decided that she wanted to part. Earlier this week we talked and I was told that she didn't feel comfortable with me because she felt I wasn't comfortable with her. That is probably true but in my mind she did nothing wrong I just think I was trying too hard because I saw so many positives to her that I did not have with my last. I was not being myself and by all rights it scared her enough that she didn't want to keep things going the way they were.

I told her everyone reaches their comfort levels at different times and that she had done nothing wrong. She pointed out that I did things that she didn't like as one time I wiped out her shower with my towel. She thought that was the strangest thing ever. I am used to doing things like that though because if I didn't I would have gotten a lot of grief in the past.

I managed to get her to agree to two get togethers in the future, one for breakfast that she suggested and another for lunch that I brought up. The thing is I told her to get to know the real me and not close us out for the future. I said that I'd we would have started dating six months after my freedom I would have been in a better place.

So I'm wanting to make this work and I think she is willing to try as well. I almost feel better just writing this thread out. I just want to be relaxed. I know that is the answer I just keep thinking back to how bad things were for me and that puts pressure on the present. I don't want to lose this woman. I know she is good for me. I know if I'm myself things will be fine. There is no pressure felt on my part pertaining to our breakup, and I don't think she is feeling it either.

I just need to put my past relationship completely behind me so I can be myself and have this one work. I just don't know how to clear my head of it.
Last edited by vinlukin; September 24,2009 at 1:22am.
 
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amaravos is offline amaravos Post #2  September 24,2009, 1:49am
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sounds like you need to work on yourself some more
and it takes time to get over the hurt and the pain of a failed relationship
Yes it is hard to let your guard down, bu if you dont risk you will never gain.
gain you need to look inside of yourself and judge this relationship and person for what you have and who they are.
The biggest mistake we can make is to let our baggage to infiltrate our current relationships
do not look to her to be your happiness you need to find your own so that yu can share it with her
i hope this isnt too ambiguous
Also if you are not read to trust to let go, you may not be ready for a new relationship

also explain to her yur concerns nothing like open communication
tell her your worries and fears also share your hopes
its amazing what a happens when you are open and talk with the person in your life
and if you are not ready to be open
you need to explore why
maybe through counseling
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #3  September 26,2009, 10:48am
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It's not even about trusting others. You have to learn to trust yourself...to make the right choices, to deal with the not-so-right choices you make without letting them define you.

You might consider working with a counselor to deal with some of the legacy issues of the previous relationship. You might also consider that someone who would make a big deal out of a harmless gesture like wiping down the shower with a towel might have some issues of her own that have nothing to do with you.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  September 28,2009, 8:54am
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I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

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You keep saying "relationship" so I presume that you were not married. However, even without the sanction of the law for all intents and purposes you were "married". As such you need to approach this as one would a divorce. You need the same counseling and healing. You also should not even be considering dating yet.
 
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vinlukin is offline vinlukin Post #5  September 29,2009, 5:50am
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I wasn't married.

I am beginning to believe there are three things one needs to do for oneself after a bad breakup. The first is the body, I needed to get back in shape, done. The second is the heart, I was over my ex and really was glad about it. I knew I was better off.

Unfortunately for me the third thing was the mind, of which I didn't realize until I started a new relationship. I had too many subconscious things going on that I needed to clear up, that I couldn't see in the mirror. I had behaviors embedded in me that I didn't know and they showed with the new girl. I needed to do these things with my ex because it was the only way she would be civil. I should have gotten out a long time before I did. My only issue now is that I really liked the new one and she never got to see the real me.

I'm almost glad at the breakup with the new one in some strange way because it allowed me to examine myself and understand what I had going on. If we would have stayed together I don't think I would have been good for her. I would have been driving myself nuts trying to maintain everything. I'd really like to get another chance with her and show her who I really am.
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dnnmllr is offline dnnmllr Post #6  September 29,2009, 10:22am
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Seems you feel more comfortable at the moment sending your thoughts in a letter. Exemplar: What you wrote here.

I wish you well.
 
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christhescud is offline christhescud Post #7  October 2,2009, 6:53am
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Every relationship deserves a clean slate. Sadly past experience colours the chance to be truly open and fair to the other side without having some bias from the past. To be fair to her you need to be true to you. So you don't have to maintain a false premise and withold the passion and potential you shine. If you are true to yourself, you give her a chance to grow to love and bond with you. Being open shows you care, by hiding past hurts and reserving parts of yoru self that are unresolved she cant learn to work with you to heal them. This is a leap of faith, by trusting it you give yourslef the best chance for success for you and for her. No person arrives at a right time or in the right state for a relationship, we are all works in progress. But by being open our strengths shine brighter and our weakness's arent something to fear but opportunities to grow, together. Relax, she has powerful intuition and by you hiding in the hurt, she is rightly scared away. Let her see the real you, share yourself openly and let her grow to love these qualities. Don't go all guns blazing but chip away a little each day, life is a journey to share and grow, so work a little each day and follow that process the results will yield soon enough. Best of luck to you my friend, i know you will bring yourself to a better place, and allow her to share that with you
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #8  October 6,2009, 9:43pm
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that's such a good question. and i think you're right - relaxing is the key. i don't know where your new girl is at, like if she's confident enough herself to be your sounding board, but you seem pretty smart.
 
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lovelivebreathe is offline lovelivebreathe Post #9  October 7,2009, 5:42pm
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1,460 days pass, before you two part..
32 days pass, you call on your heart....
27 days pass, and back to the start......

Rest your heart, and your mind,
give it some time..
and that's when you'll find...
the one with who
your life will blend,
Your Lover, Your Partner
Your Very Best Friend
It was just too soon sweetie. All of the
conditioning in the past was still a big
part of you and isn't so easily shed.
You are obviously a reflective
person, and will find,with the passage
of time, that every experience of your past
relationship has enriched you in some obvious,
and some subtle ways. The good, as well as
the bad, is part of the journey.



good luck, Linda
 
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Raw_Truth is offline Raw_Truth Post #10  October 9,2009, 7:28am
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Yeah, the thing about the shower is kinda strange, but my guess it was an overly cleanliness/neatness issue, and being that the relationship was young she should have thought it endearing if anything. But to actually be "afraid" or for it to be a major thing?

Could be you had a long line of kinda strange behaviors that bothered her and this is the one she mentioned, or you had yourself a Picky Princess. Can't say for sure which way is reality, but things fell apart, and I would forget trying to make it work. It's over, and it'll drive you nuts trying the friends angle.
 
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