New at dating. Need help with wobbly legs!


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liveluvlaughnow is offline liveluvlaughnow Post #1  July 20,2009, 1:09pm
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After reading through many of the past message threads I’ve concluded this is a great group to ask for honest advice. I am new to this so please give me some grace if I commit any posting/message board etiquette blunders. I think this is going to be a bit long and very me-centric….and I hope that's not a blunder!
 
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oostitch is offline oostitch Post #2  July 20,2009, 3:21pm
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you have many questions! but i can understand your nervousness about the whole thing. take it easy and don't put so much thought into it. after my divorce i was freaked out to go out on dates and i was terrible the 1st couple of times but i used that to my advantage and learned from it. the best thing you can do is to go in without any expectations. as for who you choose to to communicate with is up to you, even though there should be somekind of attraction, take into consideration the rest of his profile too. ive responded to some matches that arent exactly male models but it's good to keep your options open.

and as for being old fashioned, i am too but it's really not a big deal to request communication first. if you reach open communication, most likely he will ask you out.
good luck!
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  July 20,2009, 5:41pm
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I am mature, honest, very attractive, smart, articulate, easy to please, and I have a killer sense of humor. I am a great listener and am very animated in conversation. I love to laugh often and I am perfectly fine with being the object of the joke.
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #4  July 21,2009, 7:44am
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Grieve your old relationship and really accept that it is over. Until you put the old relationship behind you you are never going to succeed in a new relationship.

If his cheating, or his cheating with much younger women bothers you then you need to get into therapy to deal with the issue or you are never going to trust another guy.

Don't try to have another relationship until you are really ready to have another relationship.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Once you are really ready:

Take up some new activities: Learn to play golf. Learn to play bridge. You need to develop yourself as a person and become someone more than "I married too young and am now stuck."

Accept EH for what it is: IT IS NOT MAGIC. It is a way to be introduced to a "large" number of potential matches - accept that none of the your matches NECESSARILY consider YOU a potential match. (This is one of the disheartening realities of EH that all of us has to accept.)

Keys to EH success:
  • Have good pictures of yourself that really show what you look like (close up of the face & full body shot)
  • Expand your match setting to just past your comfort zone
  • Even if you don't think you'd relocate (for whatever reason) there are guys that might - don't just set your distance to 30 miles.
  • Analyze your age expectations. This is something that you will need to do constantly.
 
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liveluvlaughnow is offline liveluvlaughnow Post #5  July 21,2009, 10:11am
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[quote=oostitch;680725] take it easy and don't put so much thought into it.

oostitch,

Yes, you're certainly right, I have put too much thought into it. I think this might be one of those things in life where I need to make sure I have the parachute on first and that it's secure...but then I should just close my eyes and jump and enjoy the fall!

Thanks!
 
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liveluvlaughnow is offline liveluvlaughnow Post #6  July 21,2009, 10:16am
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[quote=D_Lion;680930]
 
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liveluvlaughnow is offline liveluvlaughnow Post #7  July 21,2009, 11:07am
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[quote=DDjr;681464]Grieve your old relationship and really accept that it is over. Until you put the old relationship behind you you are never going to succeed in a new relationship.

Dear DDjr,

I suspect grieving the loss of a 23 year marriage that produced several WONDERFUL children will be a lifelong process for me. After all, there will be graduations (two more high school and several college ahead), he will walk our daughters down the aisle, he will be present when our grandchildren are born—life with this man doesn’t end at divorce. I know people who remarried after this kind of divorce, are happy and love their new spouses, but still regret the loss of the first family years after its breakup.
That said, I have been to therapy and I’ve gone through the very rough—Oh my gosh I’m going to die there is no way a human can survive this type of pain—stage of grieving. Though I did marry very young I have always said, even with the advantage of hindsight, I would do it again…and, amazingly I still feel that way (though I would wait much longer for children—and I’ve always discouraged my kids from it). The failure (divorce is ALWAYS a failure) of my marriage had nothing to do with the age I was married, it was something I simply couldn’t fix on my own--and THAT’S what I had to come to terms with. I hate failure and I have always thought failure simply meant you gave up too soon or didn’t try hard enough. I now know that is not the case. Sometimes we fail because nothing is enough. As I said, I enjoy loving and being loved and I am ready to make this second chapter as wonderful as the first. I have no desire to wallow in this and allow it to define the rest of my life.
I also have a list of goals for myself, most of which I have met, so I am on the second set—and dipping my toe in the dating pool is one of the goals. I do think EH is a great controlled way to do that. And, funny you mentioned golf, that’s one of my goals!
I like all the EH tips you gave as well. One thing I did was set my distance parameters within 50 miles (or maybe less I forget) because I never want to take my kids away from their father. But, you’re right; one never knows what someone else might be willing to do! I did have very good pictures…but something that made a lot of men close me without a second glance was I don’t show my pictures until after the MH/CS have been exchanged. I still have two children living at home and I feel this is one more level of protection for them. I stated this in my introductory information but I think a lot of men don’t even bother reading that if there isn’t a picture.
One more question I wonder if you might know the answer to. Why do so many men withhold their personality profiles for a later stage? To me the personality profile is as important as the picture. A match can be downright HOT but if the profile is everything I’m NOT looking for…why bother. And, like the one man I did have communication with, maybe the picture isn’t so great at first but the profile is wonderful. There was one other man that wanted a picture from me. Though he was attractive, he had a very respectable job, and his introduction seemed very interesting—I thought a few days about responding after reading his personality profile because it was so different than mine. I chose to close him.
Thank you again to everyone for the wonderful advice. I have read many of your post on the boards and, though this is a very diverse group, everyone seems to be well mannered and very open and willing to share their experiences. Thank you!
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #8  July 21,2009, 4:12pm
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llln:

Thanks for the long response!

People tend to restrict their Personality Profiles since this to some people may seem too personal. I have shared mine with only one person because she said it would be interesting to read.

If you are going to use EH (or any dating site for that matter) you need to revisit your reticence to share your pictures. Like or not, guys at EH do exactly what guys at other sites do: Let me look at this woman's picture and see if I'm attracted. If I am, maybe I'll try to communicate.

You need to ask yourself a serious question: Your children is a real good reason to not show your picture. Is this the real reason, or are you worried about being judged on your looks and weight? (Because at some point you are going to be judged on your looks and weight.)

Give this some thought. There are many other threads that discuss sharing pictures. Remember EH is a "private" site and so your picture is only going to PAYING matches.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #9  July 21,2009, 4:22pm
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From reading your posts, it sounds like you have a very healthy attitude and you should be just fine dating. But I know it's still a little intimidating.

If you go back on eH, I would strongly suggest you post at least one picture. The vast majority of men (and women) will automatically close any matches without one. Also, if you see someone that looks interesting, go ahead and contact them! I know from my own experience that I met a guy and had a 4 month relationship just because I did. He said it made me stand out, while all of his other matches were sitting around waiting for him to make the first move. Guys are attracted to women that make them feel good about themselves, and that's a great start.

Actually going out on dates? There are a few things to keep in mind.

Be safe. That means meeting for the first time somewhere public. Another good idea is to set up an email account just for giving out to potential dates. Most cable companies (if that's what you use) let you have 4 or 5 of them, or you can set up a free gmail or yahoo account. Just DON'T use your name as the email address! And if you use Outlook or Microsoft Mail to view your emails, make sure you omit your name in the profile there, too.

Go ahead and date guys you are iffy about. I don't mean the ones that creep you out a little, I mean the ones that don't strike you as drop dead gorgeous. Some of them turn out to be amazing after you get to know them.

The more dates you go on, the more relaxed you will be. And don't forget that the guy is probably just as nervous as you are!

Have fun! And don't take it too seriously.
Last edited by chawks64; July 21,2009 at 4:24pm. Reason: Worked too hard today - brain fried.
 
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liveluvlaughnow is offline liveluvlaughnow Post #10  July 22,2009, 6:48am
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[quote=chawks64;681993]"Guys are attracted to women that make them feel good about themselves" "Actually going out on dates? There are a few things to keep in mind. Be safe." "Go ahead and date guys you are iffy about." "The more dates you go on, the more relaxed you will be".

Chawks64,
Thank you for the awesome words of wisdom! You made some wonderful points that I need to tuck in the back of my mind and pull out when responding to messages.

I especially like your advice on the "iffy" ones. Photos are truly subject to interpretation--good and bad. Some people photograph well...but, if the personality and connection isn't there after meeting we will decide that they look nothing like their picture. Years ago I met a friend (woman) via an internet parenting group. After meeting in person I realized I had got to know a part of her personality via email that she just didn't let people get to know in person. This wasn't a problem in a female friendship but in a potential dating relationship...I don't think it would work.

As for the safety issue...I think I probably go overboard there! I use a fictitious name since my city is listed on my profile. My first name is very unusual and I could be easily googled with my first name and city and someone would know who I am! Of course before I met someone for coffee, etc., I would fill them in on my real name. I would think most men would understand that, I know I would.
Also, two of my matches put identifying information in their profile/pictures and one of them I found on Facebook and we had mutual friends! The other could easily be found by information in one of his pictures. I didn't contact either of them, of course, but my point is I want to be very careful as you really have no idea who you're talking to or who they know that you know! I'm sure once I become more comfortable with this I won't care if they know someone I know and tell them, "Hey, I met her on EH." Right now the possibility of that is a bit embarrassing to me.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond with all the great advice. It's always nice to make new friends!
 
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