The kind of person I am in a relationship.


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Josh_81 is offline Josh_81 Post #1  July 19,2009, 8:36pm
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I have been reading a book on Love, Happiness, and Spirituality.

In this book, I have seen explanations for why I might be single.

The Merck Manual lists some of the ones I seem to fit in really well with sprinkles of: "passive-dependent", "schizotypal" and "depressive." Plus, I have had misconceptions of what "love" means, and an odd childhood.

I've had a dependent father who is a 1950s man. He lives, breathes, eats, sleeps just like men of the 1950s and his wife (who is borderline and Bi-polar) is his caretaker, etc. So being around them makes me feel all wierd.

My mother is not a 1950s person, she is the one person that has pushed me to excel and go for education, though she does get a little too involved with my life at times.

------
Here's my assessement though:

I'm schizotypal because of magical thinking or "they believe that their thoughts or actions can control something or someone." I have found myself trying to voodoo my way into having someone love me. I now see my folly and the utter nonsense of it. Plus, I have always been more comfortable alone, but not particuarly enjoyed it. I don't like the concept of being unmarried at age 40 and people making judgements on me.

Love for me has been a confusing subjetct. I've read that love (honeymoon, prior to marriage, etc) is really a transitory system of ego breaking barrier emotions mostly connected with sexual attraction; once the "deed" is done we snap back like rubber bands and become our real selves. Typically, we find out who the person really is only after we have married them.

Real love, is much harder and requires tolerance of habits and behaviours we overlook as undesirable. It is the "through sickness and health" that makes it "real love". So many myths exist about love, it is scaring me. I seem to have bit too much into the myth and hype of "love" in general.

Depressive. I admit being depressed, but this really struck me like a lightning bolt: "To them, satisfaction seems undeserved and sinful."

I can't tell you how many times I have beat myself up. tommyboy047, and I had a conversation about this. I have been negative about my own life for too long. I am the kind of person that would rather say "it is my fault" for everything.

This has to be the root of my lack of confidence that turns girls off like a light bulb to me.

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Anyhow,

I figure before I had enough money to see a doctor, I'd at least try to figure out exactly what kind of person I am on my own time. It is scary, but at the same time I can put lots of people under these categories. It looks as though 99.9% of the people in this world need help.

I am a strange blend of many good and bad things. They have worked for me, but I am by no means perfect. I just want to get to the point where I don't turn women away from me, and that I'd be a "great catch" that all these people tell me I am.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #2  July 20,2009, 1:29am
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Do me a favor, Josh!

Throw out that "Manual" as far and as quickly as you can, please!!!
The idiot who wrote that phenomenal "masterpiece" wants you to spend a lot of your hard-earned money on seeing shrinks, attending enlightening seminars, consulting "experts" and buying extremely unhelpful "self-help literature" in the process. I bet there are plenty of ads in that "manual" for all of the above (not to mention subiminal messages).

Love, Happiness and Spirituality have nothing to do with that junk or even "sprinkles" of that ridiculously depressing terminology. Yes, we all have our issues, it's called Being Human and Not Perfect. It is also called Experiencing Pain and Anger.

Most of us can learn to deal with those issues without much professional help. First step is developing a strong support system of a few good, reliable and loyal friends and some family members - people you "click" with. Use their help and guidance to see what a beautiful, vauable person you are and STOP assigning yourself with ridiculous labels. If you are at all religious, speaking to your pastor, rabbi, etc may also be of assistance.

Learn to Like, Love and Respect yourself for nothing more or less than who you are - flaws and all. You ARE good enough, even though you are not perfect. It is perfectly OK not to be perfect - none of us are, so no need to have unrealistic expectations of yourself or your support group members - at some stage we all make mistakes. Like, Love and Respect for ourselves and each other help us Forgive those mistakes, even if not forget. Bad memories usually eventually fade away and we only remember the good - part of the good and decent, imperfectly perfect human nature.

If you need some more help, I would recommend the nearest science library (psychology section! NOT self-help junk or internet research on an unfamiliar subject), speak to the qualified librarian, who will direct you to the right literature. The best part - it's free and will help you understand yourself and other people, including your father, much better. If this does not help, you may need to see a professional psychologist.

You will never find True Love until you are ready to accept it. The only way you can be ready to accept Love from others is to learn to Love Yourself first, and understand that you are Deserving to receive Love, Respect and Admiration from other equally deserving, loving people. And to give it back to those people and others in return. No expectation attached.

Whatever you do, PLEASE THROW OUT THAT MANUAL AND NEVER READ ANYTHING WRITTEN BY THAT AUTHOR OR HIS MONEY-HUNGRY "FRIENDS".

Good luck!
Last edited by IcecreamMoon; July 20,2009 at 1:35am.
 
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LavenderFields is offline LavenderFields Post #3  July 20,2009, 2:51am
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Ice Cream, I don't think is the Merck Manual, THAT is medical manual that even doctors use, it is also online in your public library. The BOOK that he is reading is the problem. He is trying to abstract from the book why he is single and then try to correlate them to a medical diagnose.

Is like saying, I have a real bad headache, I can be having an aneurysm!! Meanwhile, all you have is a headache.

Please Josh, go to counseling instead of diagnosing yourself. We all have depressive moments, all feel vulnerable, we all get confused what love is, we ALL do. We are complex creatures not a simple grain of wheat. Meditate and try to connect to yourself and begin to love yourself for who you are, little bumps/cracks and all
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #4  July 20,2009, 3:35am
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LavenderFields wrote :
Ice Cream, I don't think is the Merck Manual, THAT is medical manual that even doctors use, it is also online in your public library. The BOOK that he is reading is the problem.
Sorry Lavender,
You are right - I'm not the most careful reader of this kind of "diagnostics", I just saw the bolded parts and the "definitions", and I knew that there was nothing Medical about that. I'm yet to read a medical or science manual that encourages self-diagnosis and transposition of ridiculous labels.

Moon
 
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Josh_81 is offline Josh_81 Post #5  July 20,2009, 5:48am
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Wow, you guys/gals respond early in the morning.

Yes, I know that those self-help books do nothing more than try to get you to buy more. My mother had about 500 of them around the house, and I found it interesting to read one.

I like who I am, but it helps to know exactly certain trends of a person with my behaviour.

The pyschology section of the bookstore/library sounds like a good choice for me instead. Unbiased and unrelated to trying to fix you. I just want the facts.

------------
On an unrelated note:

It's been almost a month and all my matches have either closed me with "other" or they don't respond to my first questions.

I keep reading about how people found their true loves at the last minute on here. Not sure what to think of this site; will it work or just point out how much I need to improve myself first. This is all very difficult.
 
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BobinFla is offline BobinFla Post #6  July 20,2009, 12:46pm
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Don't worry about how many respond to you. About 98% of the women I am matched to close me for other, the chemistry is not there, or never bother to answer the questions. I think a lot of women say they want to find someone, but do not have the drive to persue things through to meet someone unless they match their fantasyland wishes. A lot of people kid themselves (men and women), but then fall flat when someone who comes along that is seriously looking for someone.

Just be patient, I caan't say if you will find the one for you here or not, but even if you don't, this can be a good learning experience.
 
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jacsmit is offline jacsmit Post #7  July 20,2009, 2:15pm
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Hey Josh_81, in some ways you and I sound similar. My childhood wasn't terrible compared to some - but I don't think my parents truly loved me for the person I am. They were very strict, perfectionistic, don't listen to your feelings, accomplishments are key, you can always do more/better, types. I believe my mom is codependent - and I have been very much that way for most of my life.

I seem to have a very big capacity for experiencing emotional pain (or a very low tolerance for it) - and finding myself / my identity has been constant struggle for most of my 20s and part of my 30s. I just had no idea where to start or what to do. So I just kept pushing - talking to people, going to counseling, reading books, journaling, meditating (these last 2 are very hard for me). What I struggled with most (and still do on occasion) is simply not feeling good enough - and a lot of unhealthy actions/behaviors came out of that.

So I recommend talking to a therapist, and journaling. Also try reading personal development books (*not* self-help ones that just tell you what you should do and how to act - I read a *ton* of those in my teens and they just made things worse - you need ones that tell you how to be/find yourself). Based on some things you've said, I'd recommend A General Theory of Love, anything by Matthew Kelly, Crazy Love: Personality Disorders (to identify some characteristics you might have developed as coping/defense mechanism), maybe something by Debbie Ford. There are bunch of others I can suggest based on your preference - related to understanding yourself/others, empathy, (emotional) intimacy, etc.

Best wishes!
 
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #8  July 20,2009, 7:11pm
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I read your profile and it reads pretty much like everyone else's around here. Nothing schizo or eccentric to me.

You are a product of your parents but you are not them. Treat yourself as an individual in your own right and pay attention to what you are made of and what you have to offer and go with that. Don't allow yourself to be haunted by your differences. Stop comparing yourself or you'll go insane.

And for heaven's sake read for pleasure. Or read the classics. Lots of philosophy, perception and insight there. Some of those rate-me-who-am-I books will make you bald before you're 30. I can talk myself into something then 15 minutes later talk myself out of it. We're all still WIPs but growth, experience, and education are our best teachers. Enjoy and embrace life - looking forward - and many opportunities will greet you.
 
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islandrain80 is offline islandrain80 Post #9  July 21,2009, 11:01am
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I don't see anything wrong with self-help books, but I don't think they are a medical diagnosis. I picked one up on Anxiety, and after reading it I found a few chapters that described me to a T and took into consideration the suggestions to help me.

But as far as one giving you reasons as to why you're single, I think that's complete b.s. It may give you hints to personal issues you might have, and give suggestions to change them. The only reason you're single is because you haven't found the right person.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #10  July 21,2009, 11:23am
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Your self absorption could be the real reason. Try the "interests other than myself" section at the book store and you may not get as many "closed " responses . People will be able to relate to you when you can relate to them, rather than just what's swirling around in your own self-analytical mind.
Josh_81 wrote :
Wow, you guys/gals respond early in the morning.
Yes, I know that those self-help books do nothing more than try to get you to buy more. My mother had about 500 of them around the house, and I found it interesting to read one.
I like who I am, but it helps to know exactly certain trends of a person with my behaviour.
The psychology section of the bookstore/library sounds like a good choice for me instead. Unbiased and unrelated to trying to fix you. I just want the facts.
------------
On an unrelated note:
It's been almost a month and all my matches have either closed me with "other" or they don't respond to my first questions.
I keep reading about how people found their true loves at the last minute on here. Not sure what to think of this site; will it work or just point out how much I need to improve myself first. This is all very difficult.
 
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