What You Can Learn From Your Ex

What You Can Learn From Your Ex

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What You Can Learn From Your Ex


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eharmonyadvice is offline eharmonyadvice — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  December 14,2007, 9:09am

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Once you get past the pain of the break-up, there's a lot to learn from your ex. What you can't stand and what you must have in a relationship is just the beginning. The real lessons to cherish are those that can help you grow into a better mate.
 
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Sarah is offline Sarah Post #2  December 14,2007, 9:09am
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What a great article and so timely. I needed to read this because I have been giving myself a hard time with my ex's. I've had 3 major long term relationships in my life that ended up going no where and in all relationships, I was the one who was dumped. Talk about feeling rejection. I've also been in short term relationships in which I dumped the guys as well. Still I've had my heart broken a few times and it's not fun. I don't think I entered these relationships because I had a hidden subconscience desire to have something fulfilled but maybe in hindsight I did. I picked the guy living in another country to date for 3 years because maybe I was afraid of committment. Whatever happened in the past, I have truly learned and grown up. I used to think sex and love went hand in hand because in my mind it does, now I realize that to the men I was with, sex didn't mean as much to them as it did to me. I've learned to take things much slower and not to give my all to someone, not to love too hard. I've also learned not to put up with things that obviously make me unhappy just because I love someone. Love doesn't have to mean suffering. Yes indeed...I've learned. Now I feel I've grown and I'm a better person after going through the school of hard knocks. I'm ready for the man to come into my life that is ready willing and able to give and receive love on a mature level ready for committment. I hope the attraction is mutual. I'm looking forward to the next chapter in my life and I hope it will be great!
 
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Janie is offline Janie Post #3  December 14,2007, 5:09pm
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What I have learned is that I dont like to b left alone for long periods of time. It is why my marriage is now in the ruins... I been separated now for 5 months and I feel better for it.. I know that the next relationship I have will b with someone who will b there and accept me for who I am and not try to change me constantly. I want someone who will b supportive and b able to hang in there thru the think and thin who wont walk out just because we argued.. Someone who will defend me when i need defending and will care for me no matter what. I know that there is no such thing as perfection and tho god knows I am not perfect i would like to hope that the person i find will like who i am and appreciate me more than my ex did ..
 
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haruo is offline haruo Post #4  December 15,2007, 4:38pm
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What I learned from an x:

Have more things in common and have seperate activities from each other and spend less time with each other. Spend 2-3 days of the week of quality time with each other. I have also learned that I need my own space as well. Living together is not the answer to a succesful relationship.

from Haruo
 
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haruo is offline haruo Post #5  December 15,2007, 4:41pm
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Hi Janie:

I have found that you can't change a woman, she has to do the changes voluntarily on her own, not telling her to change. It is like a golf swing, the ball will only go where you want it to go by making a change in your swing path.
Best of luck,

from Haruo
 
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niceness is offline niceness Post #6  December 16,2007, 8:34pm
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Great article I have learnt that compatability is so important. I married a man that I was incredibly attracted to but outside of the bedroom we had nothing in common.We couldnt even have a proper conversation without fighting. Now I am more careful in my choice for a mate.
 
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Sarah is offline Sarah Post #7  December 17,2007, 11:47am
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I've also learned that two people have to want to work on the relationship and that one person can't do it all. I've learned that communication is key and having someone who can't communicate his emotions, who walls them up and engage in passive aggressive negative behavior such as sulking or becoming emotionally detached and distant when they are dissatisfied about something just exacerbates an already bad situation. It's hard to find a guy who is mature enough to want to communicate openly and work to resolve differences. It's too bad that like Niceness I fell in love with a guy I had incredible chemistry with, but who lacked so many of the important aspects on how to make a relationship successful. I've learned that chemistry alone won't make it work. It can be the start of something better if it's nurtured it can florish, but too often, guys just want to exploit the chemistry aspect and not put any work into the other. They think because the chemistry happens naturally everything else just falls into place. sigh...relationships are hard
 
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schippyeyes is offline schippyeyes Post #8  December 19,2007, 9:45am
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The number one most important thing I have learned from past relationships (one of which was a 31-year marriage) is never to give up "me". In jumping back into the dating pool after ending my marriage, I found that I really didn't know "how" to date at all anymore. I gave up all of me without even knowing I was doing it -- in retrospect, that's what I did in my marriage, too. So, that said, I have learned to be true to myself first, and everything else will fall into place when the time is right .... I hope!
 
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livelaughlove is offline livelaughlove Post #9  December 20,2007, 5:37am
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I was in an unhealthy 15-year marriage with a man whose personality was very difficult and whose character was truly flawed. He was also an extremely intelligent, good looking, very successful and very charismatic man which swayed my choices in the beginning and why, along with having children, it took me so long to leave in the end. Despite being a successful career woman and a great mom, I was often in defense mode and my self confidence shaken at home. It was difficult for me to learn and grow under these circumstances. After four years of seperation and divorce, I am over all the pain the ex caused me. However, we still have difficult interactions as I must guard myself and my children from his personality and character when it comes to parenting our children.

I am in a new relationship with a man I met just over a year ago and, along with wonderful chemistry, our personalities and moral fiber are a great match. And as I unknowingly continue with some of my old survival techniques, the compatibility (and true mirror) of this match is presenting me with the opportunity to take a good hard look at myself, finally. It is not always easy but I am learning more now and growing in ways I always hoped I would in relationships and in love. This was impossible to do while protecting my mind and my spirit during my marriage. It also required the reflections from a healthy and very compatible relationship.
 
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Carlita is offline Carlita Post #10  December 20,2007, 8:18am
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I really appreciate that last part of the article. I am so scared of being hurt again. My exes did teach me about parts of myself that probably weren't that great to be around. I just didn't know better. Thanks to Dr. Warren and the wonderful people at eharmony, I am learning enough skills to try to take a chance again. Thank you all you who made a comment. Your comments help me learn too. And not feel like I am alone with my failed relationships. A 33 year marriage! Wow. I wish someone would teach us and share about breaking out of the 'mom' mode. I am kinda stuck in it...
 
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