Would you date someone who had a serious illness?


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The1Tomcat is offline The1Tomcat Post #1  June 16,2009, 3:34pm
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It kind of came up in another thread and thought it would be an interesting (and relevant to me) discussion.

So the basic question is, if you found a person that you were really interested in and thought could be a good match... then found out that they are a recent cancer (or other critical illness) survivor, would you still want to date that person?

To put it more into perspective, I was recently (April) diagnosed with kidney cancer, treated by removing the left kidney. Recovery went well and I'm back on my feet and living life better than I ever did before. I guess being close to death makes you think most of life's problems aren't so important anymore. So I survived, but with a long 12" scar across my abdomen and while tests have come back that it appears that I'm cancer free, I'm classed as in remission for the next 5 years.

I'm not that worried about finding a partner to be honest. But it it still lurks in the back of my mind wondering if having a critical illness like cancer very much affects some peoples attitude towards dating.

Discuss.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  June 16,2009, 5:21pm
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I would date a person with a non-communicable illness, probably with no regard for the illness. It is possible her lifestyle could be constrained in such a way, due to her illness, that we would not be compatible, however.
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The1Tomcat is offline The1Tomcat Post #3  June 16,2009, 7:44pm
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D_Lion wrote :
I would date a person with a non-communicable illness, probably with no regard for the illness. It is possible her lifestyle could be constrained in such a way, due to her illness, that we would not be compatible, however.

If it came down to a commitment, such as owning or leasing property together, I expect I would investigate the matter somewhat seriously … which, come to think of it, is a good reminder that one should be considering the potential for future illnesses, even in their absence.
Kind of why I started this thread. How often when we fall in love with someone do we think about the possibility of losing that person through no fault of their own or our own.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #4  June 16,2009, 8:25pm
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Illnesses like yours can come completely out of the blue. There is no way to plan for them or anticipate them, other than doing the normal sort of estate planning that one would want to do under any circumstances (e.g., have a will, assure care options for your children, etc.).

I have a dear friend who was diagnosed a couple of weeks ago with the same cancer, unfortunately at a later and more advanced stage than yours which, as you know, has a much different prognosis... Objectively, she would appear to be a good health risk (e.g., thin and a very healthy eater, no family history of cancers), so nothing in that regard that would have been viewed as a red flag to a potential match. If she found love at this point, that would be a wonderful thing (and a man would be lucky to bring her into his life), but it would take someone very special indeed to take that risk at this point.

As far as dating someone who is "now" healthy after experiencing a serious illness I don't see a problem there, although I also have a strong preference for finding someone who can live a fairly active lifestyle for the next 20+ years and some illnesses may impact that. Of course whether any of us can do that is ultimately up in the air, but I want to start out with the hope of that for a number of reasons. That doesn't mean that I couldn't fall in love with someone who needs more care now (i.e., because of the longterm or residual effects of his illness) or who is clearly likely to need more care in the nearer future, though, and if that did happen, then that's the person I would go with...

In every successful, lifelong relationship, one partner goes before the other (excepting the rare cases where both die in the same catastrophe), so in a general sense the fact that we may lose our loved one to death is something that we all have to consider if we are to love someone. You just hope that you have as long a time together as is possible.
 
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trackstar is offline trackstar Post #5  June 16,2009, 10:20pm
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I'm generally not put off by serious/chronic illness. It's more important to me that a partner or potential partner with an illness deals with the associated limitations in a responsible and emotionally healthy manner. Illness is stressful enough as it is without having a partner who becomes distant or non-communicative because of it. I would worry (and have worried) about how physical limitations could impact a life together - ability to work, have and raise children, energy for completing every day tasks, trips to the hospital and medical bills, etc. But, ultimately, dealing with all that stuff is worth it, if you are working through it with the right person.
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #6  June 16,2009, 10:21pm
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If I were not already married I would consider dating or marrying someone who was a cancer survivor or someone who had a serious condition. As others said already, there are no guarantees that the healthy person you are interested in will not get seriously sick or die on you tomorrow.
 
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avinash is offline avinash Post #7  June 16,2009, 11:23pm
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As long as I couldn't get the disease, sure i'd date a girl with one, as long as I was attracted to her
 
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gng4life is offline gng4life Post #8  June 17,2009, 7:46am
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Hi everyone,
I found this very interesting. I had a double masectomy last July 08 and have had reconstruction. Other than a thin scar, you would never know I'd been sick. I am also considered in remission for 5 years, but required no chemo.etc. because it was caught early.
Here is my dilema.....when do I tell a potential date this? If I put it in my profile, it's TMI and if I wait and email for a bit, the person generally disappears once they find out.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #9  June 17,2009, 8:24am
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I would definitely not rule out someone who had or had recovered from a serious illness. More important to me is their outlook...how they deal with challenges.

Life happens and seldom the way you planned it. If you go around trying to mitigate all your risk, you're just missing opportunities to know someone who could be extraordinary.
 
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verylibra is offline verylibra Post #10  June 17,2009, 8:53am
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The1Tomcat wrote :
It kind of came up in another thread and thought it would be an interesting (and relevant to me) discussion.

So the basic question is, if you found a person that you were really interested in and thought could be a good match... then found out that they are a recent cancer (or other critical illness) survivor, would you still want to date that person?

To put it more into perspective, I was recently (April) diagnosed with kidney cancer, treated by removing the left kidney. Recovery went well and I'm back on my feet and living life better than I ever did before. I guess being close to death makes you think most of life's problems aren't so important anymore. So I survived, but with a long 12" scar across my abdomen and while tests have come back that it appears that I'm cancer free, I'm classed as in remission for the next 5 years.

I'm not that worried about finding a partner to be honest. But it it still lurks in the back of my mind wondering if having a critical illness like cancer very much affects some peoples attitude towards dating.

Discuss.
I've dated two men with serious illnesses. One had insulin dependent diabetes and the other had the beginnings of some sort of dementia and died recently. Both of these men were older, one 8 years and the other 14 years. I cared very much for both of them. The dementia is what caused me to break off the relationship with the one man sadly. He was an absolutely brilliant man who was so perfect for me in almost every way.

I have a 12" scar from my bra line to my navel. Almost 35 years ago I had gallbladder disease that went untreated until it was gangrenous. I was only 24 so when the doctor told me nothing was wrong with me, I believed him. It was so long ago that I forget about until...

So yes, I would definitely date someone with an illness.
 
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