New single father... seeking advice


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The1Tomcat is offline The1Tomcat Post #1  June 15,2009, 8:03am
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Hi everyone,

This is my first post so go easy on me.

Here's my question and hoping especially women will give me their opinion.

I'm a single father as of about a month ago. My relationship with the mother of my daughter ended not long before my daughter was born. We're on good terms and still openly communicate and love our daughter very much. I plan on being a large part of my daughter's life and supporting her financially, emotionally, etc.

Since I find myself now back out and single, I'm very worried that my single father status will override everything else I have to offer. My little girl doesn't live with me so being honest I've put down that I do not have a child living with me full time.

My question is, when should I disclose that I have a child? Should I post up a picture on my profile so people can see me with her right from the start? Should I make mention of it in my profile? Or should I wait until open communication and broach the subject as we get to know each other?

Thanks for your opinions.
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #2  June 15,2009, 11:59am
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If you don't have custody you're not a "single father". I would leave this completely out of your profile. When you get to Open Communications the other person will probably ask you "have you been married / do you have any children?" At that time you can say that you have a child and explain a little about the situation.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  June 15,2009, 12:17pm
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Please do not post photos of you and your daughter.

As for having a child, you are not a single father if you don't have custody.

However, you do need tell your matches in your profile that you have a child who does not live with you. This is a very important bit of information. Please keep in mind that if that is a dealbreaker for a woman, she won't date you regardless of how long you communicate or how many dates you go on. You'll just be wasting your time and hers. Much better to be upfront about this and to explain the situation briefly, such as "I have a ___ year old daughter, however she lives full time with her mother." You may also want to indicate whether or not you would be open to having more children or not since women may sometimes assume that if you already have one, you may not want more and that's a dealbreaker for them more so than you being a father.
 
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The1Tomcat is offline The1Tomcat Post #4  June 15,2009, 1:58pm
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Sorry, I shouldn't have said outright that my little girl doesn't live with me...

Right now she doesn't live with me at all because she's too young to be away from her mom who is breastfeeding. In a couple of months once she moves onto formula I will probably take her most weekends or when I'm not working etc. My ex and I are being very good with each other (so far) regarding our daughter and we're keeping it out of the courts etc and I can go over and see my girl whenever I want and such.

I would still want more kids. This was an unplanned pregnancy but I always wanted to be married and have children...

I now have two totally conflicting opinions. One is bring it up in OC and the other is post it in my profile...

I'd really like to hear from a few woman what their points of view are.
 
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t_robertson80 is offline t_robertson80 Post #5  June 15,2009, 3:56pm
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i would still bring it up. Im a single mother, and i know that i would want to make sure that who ever im interested in next knows that i have a son. That way i am not wasting my time or his. You dont have to go into details right away.....but i would put down that u have a child.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  June 15,2009, 5:26pm
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lol....my opinion is a female opinion....
hope this bumps the thread and gets you some more.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #7  June 15,2009, 6:07pm
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I agree that you should put it in your profile. If it is an issue with someone, it is best to have her close you before invest time in communication.

I think finding out such an important piece of information about you later would seem deceptive. Wouldn't you agree that this is quite a bit more important and telling of who you are and your lifestyle than the last book you read?

To me, it would not be something I would close over because I am open to a partner with children, so I don't think you should consider leaving it off your profile.

I would say, however, I would be wary about someone who is only one month out of a relationship (rebound?), or someone who mentions their child in every section of his profile.
 
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Nature_Lover is offline Nature_Lover Post #8  June 15,2009, 7:04pm
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MelinCali wrote :
I agree that you should put it in your profile. If it is an issue with someone, it is best to have her close you before invest time in communication.

I think finding out such an important piece of information about you later would seem deceptive. Wouldn't you agree that this is quite a bit more important and telling of who you are and your lifestyle than the last book you read?

To me, it would not be something I would close over because I am open to a partner with children, so I don't think you should consider leaving it off your profile.

I would say, however, I would be wary about someone who is only one month out of a relationship (rebound?), or someone who mentions their child in every section of his profile.

I agree 100% with the above.

1. Having a child is an incredibly important piece of information and can be a deal breaker for many relationships. Thus it is to your advantage and your matches' that you post something similar to DancingFool's suggestion in your profile. Do not post pictures of your child.

2. Are you sure that you are ready to jump back into the dating world if you are only one month out of a relationship and are in the midst of an extremely important life change. Personally I would think that adjusting to life as a father of an infant (especially if unplanned) and healing from your recent breakup would be your priorities now.
 
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all_seasons is offline all_seasons Post #9  June 15,2009, 7:25pm
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MelinCali wrote :
I agree that you should put it in your profile. If it is an issue with someone, it is best to have her close you before invest time in communication.

I think finding out such an important piece of information about you later would seem deceptive. Wouldn't you agree that this is quite a bit more important and telling of who you are and your lifestyle than the last book you read?

To me, it would not be something I would close over because I am open to a partner with children, so I don't think you should consider leaving it off your profile.

I would say, however, I would be wary about someone who is only one month out of a relationship (rebound?), or someone who mentions their child in every section of his profile.
So OP...WRT to the bold...that's a good woman saying that, that's what that is . My point...you should not fear to put it out there...based on your desire to be there for and be involved with your daughter, you definitely want a woman who is entirely supportive of that idea. There are plenty out there who are. Good luck, have fun, and take your time!
 
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The1Tomcat is offline The1Tomcat Post #10  June 15,2009, 7:28pm
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Without going into details, she cheated on me a year and a half ago now... two different guys, who had no idea about me and one of the other guys thought he had a girlfriend for a month... anyways call me stupid (I do) I ended up taking her back once it all came out and she promised going to counselling etc etc whole host of issues I'm not willing to discuss...

I forgave her and stayed with her and it was hard but started to learn to trust her again... but things were just so damaged. About six months past and I was about to walk for other reasons, just plain incompatibility really when the bomb drop... pregnant. I'm in the 2% of pregnancies when the pill was apparently employed correctly... supposedly.

Once again I decided to stick around... things seemed to get a bit better... and then I found out about 2 months ago that she had been lying about some major stuff for about 4 months and that was the last straw. Everyone told me sticking around just because of a child is not healthy for everyone so I called it quits for good.

So as far as being ready to date again... yes. I've been pretty much emotionally gone from the relationship for well over a year now. The break up isn't new, it was really inevitable and my choice.

Besides, time's wasting, I'm not getting any younger and I'd like to find someone to eventually marry and have kids the proper way.

I'll update my profile and let the people I'm in OC with know. What's the worst that happens right? Oh well, some random person I chatted with briefly doesn't talk to me. I know my self worth, great job, responsible, good looking, caring. I just want my match and that's not asking too much.
 
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