cnc25335 is offline cnc25335 Post #1  April 27,2008, 8:51pm
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I have been thinking a lot and I have come to the conclusion that one thing seems to stick in my head about dating. It’s a major fear of mine. I find it hard to allow myself to date someone when I know that the odds are stacked against it actually succeeding. This is due to my age, experience, personality, and basically anything else you can think of. I find myself extremely hesitant because I know anyone I date I will be hurt just as much by the damage our break up will have on their lives. Even if she breaks up with me it will still have a negative impact. I just have never come up with a good argument to justify my pleasure for the pain of a person I care about. For that matter I cannot even justify it for someone I do not care about to gain experience for “The One”.
 
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Terizz is offline Terizz Post #2  April 28,2008, 11:20am
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appologizes for not being around before now, a lot has happened recently..

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Your age, how old are you? I see that you are a college student so I'm thinking you aren't an elderly person..

You just have to be optomistic, and believe that you will eventually find someone and it will work out. If you enter into it only thinking it won't work out then most likely it won't.

I have been hurt so many times by men cheatin on me and lying to me which makes me a little insecure in relationships, but I do have to realize that not every man is going to cheat on me and lie to me. Not every man that I'm going to date is going to have a wife hidden in some other country, and tell me he isn't married. I have to believe that there is a man out there that is going to treat me with respect, and want to be with me and only with me. I found a really great guy here on eHarmony, and even though things didn't work out because he found someone while on vacation before we had the chance to meet, it did renew my faith in that there are men out there that are not like all the others that I have been involved with so far.

Just have faith and try to be optomistic.
 
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ROCKYMOUNTAINWANDERER is offline ROCKYMOUNTAINWANDERER Post #3  April 28,2008, 11:51am
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HAS HOPE AGAIN IN THE DATING AREA, THE REST OF MY LIFE IS GOOOOOOOOOOOOD

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Though you altruism is commendable, i don't believe it's a valid arguement for not getting in the dating world. We get hurt , we heal up we go on. Others get hurt, they heal up, they go on. I actually don't thing it's altruism thats driving you as i do a fear of failure and pain. I work in a risky business and have and continue to do risky things. Fear of pain won't keep me from trying to date or do anything else. You can't get thru life without getting hurt and on occassion without hurting others that's what life is you try, get hurt, try again and eventually if you persist good things happen. One more thing who said relationships are all about pleasure, i don't buy that either, if you really love that person you sacrifice for that person you love and i don't mean by staying out of a relationship, i mean in all the little things like staying up and listening to them when you are tired or nursing them thru a bad cold or the flu, or holding them when they lose a loved one, thats what love is and i don't about you butn i'm going for, i ain't sitting on the sidelines out of fear of getting hurt.[img]library/editor/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif[/img]
 
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apenman is offline apenman Post #4  April 28,2008, 12:21pm
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I kinda thought like you did for a long time. Then I found the one I thought was The One. Turns out, I was too relationally retarded to make that relationship work. I had never had the unsuccessful attempts, or even moderately successful but short lived attempts that give you the skills to make it work when you've got one you don't want to lose.

So now I'm behind the curve, trying to gain a better understanding of how people make these relationships work.

And in terms of your logic - would you never interview multiple people for a position you're hiring for in case someone really gets their hopes set on this job and then you choose someone over them? Would you never spend a half an hour talking to a salesperson to get the info you need to make a decision about buying a particular car, since it might turn out not to be the car for you, and you might cost them a commission on someone else? Let others determine their opportunity cost of dating you...
 
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cnc25335 is offline cnc25335 Post #5  April 28,2008, 1:01pm
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After reading over your responses I gained allot of info. First thing first though I am turning 20 in a month, and this theory of mine was developed some time in high school or junior high. I have since added to it and amended it. "I actually don't think it's altruism that driving you as I do a fear of failure and pain.” This is actually very near the mark. However it is really is a bit more complicated. For a short version it is both fear and altruism. The fear however is less related to rejection as is related to life in general.But I did want to thank you guys for posting. The two things most helpful one is the fact that people here are not as limited as the people I tend to see at my colleges. Also that my reasoning is not that far off a basic consensus.

 
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Hlyn is offline Hlyn Post #6  April 28,2008, 1:09pm
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Terizz is offline Terizz Post #7  April 28,2008, 2:53pm
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20? You have so much to experience, and are way too young to start discrediting relationships. I didn't have my first serious relationship until I was 21-22, got engaged quickly at 23, and thank God that didn't work out, because he certainly wasn't the one for me. He kept trying to get me back after our 3rd! break up, but I wasn't going back through it again, I was done. My next serious relationship I was 27 that only lasted 8 months, turns out he was married to someone else and had been lying to me the whole time.

Unfortunately you can't go through life never getting hurt and never hurting anyone else in return, but it is those bad experiences that make you stronger. I don't regret either relationship that I was in even though I got hurt very badly in both, but I learned a lot from both. And know not to make the same mistakes again.
 
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Sunshine43 is offline Sunshine43 Post #8  April 29,2008, 9:55am
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Things are looking up.......

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If you are about to turn 20 you still have plenty of time. I had my first serious relationship at 21, married at 22 and divorced at 25. Please dont be in too much of a hurry, enjoy the ride and dont be afraid to get out there and meet new people.
 
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yetanotherdavid is offline yetanotherdavid Post #9  April 29,2008, 10:24am
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A relationship is only a part of a well rounded life. Keep it in perspective and don't get dependent on having a relationship in your life or making it the center of your life. Be open to recognize a good thing when it comes along and enjoy it while it lasts. If that is a lifetime... wonderful! If that is only a few months... wonderful! Some would say one day of love is worth dying for.



Rather than focus on meeting someone as a negative impact on either life... focus on making the association a positive, learning experience for both. If you both realize it isn't going to work out... come to that conclusion together andtreat it as a great experience while it lasted. It really is your choice how you view it. I love to learn new things from new people... so meeting someone new or an eventualbreakup will never scare me.



You have nothing to feel guilty about as long as you do not seek to gain at the expense of someone else. Don't lie and don't hide things justified as saving the other person's feelings. If they are seeking the same as you, then you both are already on equal ground. Reach all conclusions openly andtogether.



I know... so easy to type but hard to do. Still doesn't make it incorrect.
 
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SteelPatton is offline SteelPatton Post #10  April 29,2008, 11:03am
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IMHO, you're too young to feel this way. And I'm thinking you've been reading too many of your psychology text books. I'm thinking you're probably somewhere in your 20's or so. CNC, Dare to live a full life! It's worth every minute. If you don't put your feelings out there, you'll never grow. Getting hurt or even possibly hurting someone you care about, is a learning experience. You grow in wisdom. Good, Bad or otherwise whatever happens to us as human beings, there is always something we can learn from it. And like I said before...with knowledge comesgrowth & wisdom.

Live Life!

Best Wishes & God Bless You!
 
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