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Patrick47 Patrick47 is offline
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One of my reasons that I have put off dating was mainly due to hospitalizations as a child which kept me from alot of socializing and also shyness. Now being 47 how do you tell your date eventually if it gets that far that you have no experience. This is something that really bothers me. Does anyone have any feedback for a very shy and inexperienced guy.
- May 5th, 2009, 06:00 pm
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neardc neardc is offline
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Welcome to eHA, Patrick.


Believe it or not, you are not the only one out there in your situation. It seems to me that you have two related issues: Your shyness (and possible social anxiety), and your lack of sexual experience and your desire to overcome that.


There is nothing wrong with being shy. Many people are shy. However,shyness is a problem if it keeps you from having normal interactions and relationships with people. The good news, though, is that it's possible to learn to become more comfortable in social situations, although it's going to take some work for you to do that. I strongly suggest that you find a good therapist to help you with this.


The other issue is your lack of sexual experience. If you can work on overcoming your shyness a bit (you will probably always feel shy, but you can still become better at functioning in social situations), then interactions with women will more naturally follow. When you do start dating, and find someone with whom you wish to enter into a sexual relationship, you can bring up your concerns once they are actually relevant. There isn't really a reason for you to discuss it as a first topic of conversation.


I'm going to refer you to a thread started by a young man with a similar history to yours. He is a bit younger, but I think the advice that he received serves you as well: http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=vie...=29275&start=0
- May 5th, 2009, 08:58 pm
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6dle899 6dle899 is offline
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Don't worry about it. Expect it will happen and one day it will.
- May 6th, 2009, 04:26 pm
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AdviceGuy212 AdviceGuy212 is offline
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For me, being a virgin is beyond embarrassing and I'm ashamed. That being said, if, when you feel the time is right, it couldn't hurt to tell her. If she has a bad reaction towards it, it's time to move on and give someone else the special gift, that you feel truly deserves it.


- May 8th, 2009, 12:02 am
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grizlbr grizlbr is offline
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Patrick47, wrote :

One of my reasons that I have put off dating was mainly due to hospitalizations as a child which kept me from alot of socializing and also shyness. Now being 47 how do you tell your date eventually if it gets that far that you have no experience. This is something that really bothers me. Does anyone have any feedback for a very shy and inexperienced guy.
Approching women is not shy thats normal. Wait till you know someone very well before thinking about being that intimate. This is my third marriage and thought I knew what I was getting into. Close relatioships are easier to get into than get out of! I survived a stroke and it makes getting to know people difficult. Just keep communication open and talk about your feelings some women like that. Like Baby Genius once you cross over you are not 'special' anymore.
- May 8th, 2009, 12:32 am
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grizlbr grizlbr is offline
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AdviceGuy212 wrote :

For me, being a virgin is beyond embarrassing and I'm ashamed. That being said, if, when you feel the time is right, it couldn't hurt to tell her. If she has a bad reaction towards it, it's time to move on and give someone else the special gift, that you feel truly deserves it.

Flip side of coin, due to stroke I have to use Viagra. The reaction is why am I making a six hour deal about a spontanous action? Well I have to go out for pizza, take the pill. Of course you discuss the fact that I have to take a pill. Then the spontanious is gone. Of course it is not a magic pill, you play and prelude then if there is a head ache you end up at hospitol after 4 hours. I am 53 I did not have sex unil I was 17 and married at 18. So talk to the ladies you are special or 'you have a secret' enjoy being different while you can.
- May 8th, 2009, 12:54 am
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ECC4812 ECC4812 is offline
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Patrick47, wrote :

One of my reasons that I have put off dating was mainly due to hospitalizations as a child which kept me from alot of socializing and also shyness. Now being 47 how do you tell your date eventually if it gets that far that you have no experience. This is something that really bothers me. Does anyone have any feedback for a very shy and inexperienced guy.
Be honest and up front somewhat early in the relationship. Don't mention it in the first date,nd don't wait til your in the situation, either. It needs to be an open communicable situation and let her know your situation. Explaining the circumstances will be easierand more understandingIF she isin hte relationship for you and to support you. She is to be your helper, and understanding on thistoic is very delicate and key to your success. I wish you the best.
- May 8th, 2009, 01:36 am
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neardc neardc is offline
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AdviceGuy212 wrote :


For me, being a virgin is beyond embarrassing and I'm ashamed. That being said, if, when you feel the time is right, it couldn't hurt to tell her. If she has a bad reaction towards it, it's time to move on and give someone else the special gift, that you feel truly deserves it.





You know, it doesn't need to be a point of shame or pride; it just is what it is. But, harboring such deep feelings of shame can be like shackles that keep you from moving forward. There is no time like the present for taking some action to deal with whatever barriers are keeping you from forming a serious relationship with a nice woman.


In addition to the thread I noted above, there have been lots of other discussions about being an "older virgin." Several of them are listed in this thread: http://advice.eharmony.com/discussions/group/eharmony-advice-hot-topics/discussions/im-still-a-virgin--does-that-matter/29413.html.


I suggest that you take some time to read through some of these threads and consider the good advice you find in them (it's not all good, but you'll know it when you see good advice). Then, make a plan that identifies steps you can start taking now (including, perhaps,the option of discussing these issues with a qualified therapist).


Good luck to you...
- May 8th, 2009, 03:52 am
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musmusculus musmusculus is offline
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neardc wrote :

AdviceGuy212 wrote :


For me, being a virgin is beyond embarrassing and I'm ashamed . That being said, if, when you feel the time is right, it couldn't hurt to tell her. If she has a bad reaction towards it, it's time to move on and give someone else the special gift, that you feel truly deserves it.





You know, it doesn't need to be a point of shame or pride; it just is what it is. But, harboring such deep feelings of shame can be like shackles that keep you from moving forward.

I couldn't agree more with neardc's reply, AdviceGuy212. Stop beating yourself up. Your sense of shame may be translating at some level into an attitude that pushes people away - exactly what you don't want to do! Accept yourself for who you are and you'll find someone who will also.
- May 8th, 2009, 04:39 am
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Oregon_Coast_Guy Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline
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You don't have to mention that you are a virgin. It is a huge turn off for women. You can always dance around it by just saying that she needn't worry about a disease, or that you concentrate more on quality than quantity, or, that your past is your past and that you have put it behind you, or that her questions about numbers like that are inappropriate.
- May 11th, 2009, 12:33 am
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