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spadefish spadefish is offline
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I lost my virginity to my girlfriend of 8 months now. I love her very much. However she didn't lose her virginity to me. Months before we met she lost her virginity to some guy I don't like, hell she doesn't even like him. Then she went on a spree of meaningless hookup after hookup, sleeping with a grand total of 5 guys until i came along. Ever since she told me all this I've thought about it every day.


Now my problem is I can't let this get me so upset forever. It will ruin our relationship, and honestly it is the greatest relationship I've ever had, romantic or otherwise.


A lot of the problem stems from me not understanding why I'm upset. I guess its a combination of a lot of reasons. Part of me feels sad because I feel wronged that she didn't wait for me, or at least a meaningful relationship. I'd always have this idea in my head that my first time would be with someone I cared about, who waited for me and waited to have sex with someone they loved (at the very least thought they loved). Maybe part of me is disgusted at her, for sleeping with all those creeps (they all are), I guess I never wanted to date they easy girl, though I'd never tell her that to her face.


And so I need help. I want to forgive her (is it even my place to forgive her? Did I ever have a right to be angry?). I want things to go back to normal between us. I hate being reminded about this blemish on our relationship every time we have sex or kiss even.
- April 5th, 2009, 03:47 am
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jollie jollie is offline
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I think that you need to relax, i know how important it is to have a loving relationship to lose your virginity, however, there are a large number of reasons why she may have chosen not too. She may have thought mister right may not come along, it may have been social pressure, or she may have felt that if she didn't do it now, she would have it forever. i think it is romantic that you are so connected with her, and your feelings are so strong, however, dont let this ruin your relationship. You are letting something in the past run your thoughts, your feelings and your sex life. What is true is that you are here now, she is with you, and she cares about you deeply. Dont judge her by her past, that will hurt both of you. You will end up resenting her, and she will end up resenting you.


Enjoy what you have, it obviously means a lot to you. Concentrate on what you do have, not what you dont. There are a lot of experiences you haven't had together, and although this is a major one, there are major events that you will share. Create your own experiences together, and focus on what you do together. Be her first in another way. Possibly even sexually. Try something new, share something that is soely "yours," Dont let this hold you back. If there is anything that will ruin things, it will be jealousy over the past, and its not worth ruining now, for something that has already happened. He obviously isn't a problem and that is a fantastic plus for your relationship. Concentrate on that, the fact that she is with you, and she isn't swooning over some other guy. Be positive and stop worrying, have fun and enjoy her.
- April 5th, 2009, 04:42 am
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Stargate Stargate is offline
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Count many blessings with this;


She got it out of her system.


Would you rather she hadn't done so and still thought about while she was with you?


Would you rather have been the first and watch her go to someone else afterwwards?


She will carry the memories of sleeping with creeps for a while, and it will help discipline her virtue.


It also helps discipline you, keeps you from making more of her than what she actually is and getting trapped in an illusion (destined to shatter eventually) instead of a relationship.


Secondly; you MUST forgive or you will go no further.


- April 5th, 2009, 05:02 am
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit glassonlyhalffull_fillit is offline
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit Love being part of two again

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OP, She CHOSE to stay with you though. Think about THAT
- April 5th, 2009, 06:25 am
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sabete2002 sabete2002 is offline
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sabete2002 I was modded???!!!!

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There's a line from a song called "Fascination" that sums it up well "I mustn't wish your life began the day we met". The whole song is about a girls fascination with her boyfriends past, how it makes her feel somewhat insecure and how she is trying to come to terms with it. When I read your post, I immediately thought of it.


The thing is, we all have a past. Your girlfriend chose to share hers with you. Whatever it was going on back then, she needed to get it out of her system. Don't judge her for that. Don't look back, only forward. She is over her past, so should you be. Don't let it get in the way of something that has so much promise. As glass pointed out, she chose to stay with you.
- April 5th, 2009, 06:54 am
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r10renault r10renault is offline
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Spade,


Stargate is dead-on and everything about fate and your relationship that makes it this perfect was required for it to unfold the way it did and the test of your forgiveness is all about you and nothing she did wrong. To think "if only if" is not an option because perfect doesn't get any better than perfect. In love, acceptance is unconditional and required, with your energy best spent on the greatest relationship you've ever had and not it's faults.
- April 5th, 2009, 07:21 am
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musmusculus musmusculus is offline
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musmusculus is in a relationship!!!!!!

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sabete2002 wrote :

The thing is, we all have a past. Your girlfriend chose to share hers with you. Whatever it was going on back then, she needed to get it out of her system. Don't judge her for that. Don't look back, only forward. She is over her past, so should you be. Don't let it get in the way of something that has so much promise. As glass pointed out, she chose to stay with you.
My thoughts exactly.


The past is over and the most important thing to focus on is the present and future. However, you both need to make sure that the past doesn't come back to haunt you in the form of a STD, so I hope you've both been tested and are using protection.
- April 5th, 2009, 09:18 am
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boccabum boccabum is offline
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Son, how old are you? I'm going to guess very young.


"Now my problem is I can't let this get me so upset forever. It will ruin our relationship, and honestly it is the greatest relationship I've ever had, romantic or otherwise."


This is the greatest relationship you've ever had because you haven't had that many. And to top it all off, she was your first. It's a safe bet she won't be your last either (hopefully). Just remember that. You're going to be in many many more relationships and have sex with more women as you continue this journey-guaranteed. And those future women most likely won't be virgins either. We've all been through this and you're just experiancing the effects of your first l a y.


Use a condom and make sure she's on some type of birth control! Don't become a dad (yet) until you're ready: finished college, got a job, travelled, partied, realized your dreams, dated as many hot gals as you can, etc. Long Term Relatonships are really best for people over a certain age. And my guess is you haven't reached that age yet. Good luck
- April 5th, 2009, 09:58 am
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tbesq tbesq is offline
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Spadefish, welcome to the eHarmony discussion boards.


I know where you're coming from. My first love (and the woman I met in college) had an extensive sexual history, one that I didn't know about in its entirety until we began dating. There was a guy in our dorm whom everyone hated (including my girlfriend), and she later revealed to me that she'd slept with him. Initially I was very upset about that. Back then, I couldn't fathom why women would sleep with men they didn't like. I stopped trying to figure that out. In a ceremonious gesture once we proclaimed our love for each other, she burned her "conquest list" (yes, she had such a list, and she assured me that other women had them as well). Technically I had lost my virgnity before I met her, but she was my first love and I had this idea in my head that she would be a Vestal Virgin


It seems as if this woman is doing her best to put her past behind and to let you know that you're special to her. Don't punish her for her past; this would discourage most people from wanting to move forward, and you don't want to do that. Best of luck; follow the other good advice you've received on this thread.
- April 5th, 2009, 01:18 pm
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shellyg shellyg is offline
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shellyg If stupidity got us into this mess, then why cant it get us out?

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r10renault wrote :

Spade,


Stargate is dead-on and everything about fate and your relationship that makes it this perfect was required for it to unfold the way it did and the test of your forgiveness is all about you and nothing she did wrong. To think "if only if" is not an option because perfect doesn't get any better than perfect. In love, acceptance is unconditional and required, with your energy best spent on the greatest relationship you've ever had and not it's faults.
+10000!
- April 5th, 2009, 03:04 pm
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