mountain_mama is offline mountain_mama Post #1  March 27,2009, 4:55pm
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I miss him


We met through eHarm and spent about five months hanging out and enjoying each other's company. I admit I fell for him, not at first, but eventually. Ive never felt the kind of chemistry I had with him with anyone else, and yet, we just never seemed to be able to say what we wanted from each other. And when we finally did, we realized the things we wanted from each other weren't things we were willing to give. I don't know how something so good got so mixed up, but it did. So Ive played it over and over again in my mind, and while I know he isn't the right guy for me, my heart is still so sad, and I miss him.


So, I come to you all for strength and wisdom because I am feeling weak at the moment, and I can feel myself saying...well maybe I can just text him and say hi...or maybe I will just send a note to see how his week was... I do not want that because I don't want to open myself up to something that isn't going any where.


Help me stay strong...what did you do to move on? How long did it take to get the person out of your head and heart?
 
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aprilrose0048 is offline aprilrose0048 Post #2  March 27,2009, 5:25pm
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mountain_mama, wrote :

I miss him


We met through eHarm and spent about five months hanging out and enjoying each other's company. I admit I fell for him, not at first, but eventually. Ive never felt the kind of chemistry I had with him with anyone else, and yet, we just never seemed to be able to say what we wanted from each other. And when we finally did, we realized the things we wanted from each other weren't things we were willing to give. I don't know how something so good got so mixed up, but it did. So Ive played it over and over again in my mind, and while I know he isn't the right guy for me, my heart is still so sad, and I miss him.


So, I come to you all for strength and wisdom because I am feeling weak at the moment, and I can feel myself saying...well maybe I can just text him and say hi...or maybe I will just send a note to see how his week was... I do not want that because I don't want to open myself up to something that isn't going any where.


Help me stay strong...what did you do to move on? How long did it take to get the person out of your head and heart?

Hi, I know it hurts when the man you though was Mr Right was not.I know you miss him but If you met someone on EHarmony once, there will be someone else. I have only been a member of this site for one month, and was actually going to quit as I have never had a reply and 4 closers. But I had a nice email from them and they gave me this site. Hang in there. I know I am. Everything will work out.
 
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Co6aka is offline Co6aka Post #3  March 27,2009, 5:39pm
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What did you do to move on?


First, I realized that time already spent on a dead-end was time gone forever, like it went into a black hole, and whatever is thrown into a black hole will be sucked up into something so small you can't even see it, and then it will be like it never even existed. Then, I realized that could be me in the black hole.


How long did it take to get the person out of your head and heart?


After I realized the above, about two picoseconds.


Here's one for you to think about, slightly modified from the original:


“Woman looks into the abyss. There’s nothing staring back at her. At that moment she finds her character. And that's what keeps her out of the abyss.”


Somewhere out there in the vastness of space and time is your guy, and he feels just like you do, so don't let him down, keep searching.
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #4  March 27,2009, 5:58pm
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I find that both talking and keeping busy help keep your mind busy. Plus it lets you reflect on what worked or didn't and look for this in a future relationship.


As much as you miss someone...when you know they aren't the right one for you...it's best to let them go. To go back just opens you up to more heartache.


Try something new or do some things you enjoy...but don't beat yourself up for him not being the right one. It's a complicated process in finding that but like most challenges...it makes them more appreciated when you find them.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #5  March 27,2009, 7:13pm
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Dear Mountain_Mama,


Welcome to these eHarmony Advice (eHA) boards and thanks for posting! We've all been in your shoes . . . you're far from being alone!


1. It's OK to still be experiencing moments of sadness. You've done exactly the right thing by writing your feelings and reaching out for support! Were more people to deal with a break-up in such a healthy way!


2. It's very important for you to stop playing it over and over in your mind and wondering the "What if's?" That can trap a person and is not helpful.


Instead, the moment the replay begins in your brain, consciously stop it and quite intentionally begin to think and dwell on something else. Call a friend to distract yourself, go for a walk, bake something for dinner, cook for another family and take them the meal, go to the gym, watch a favorite TV program or a movie, or, and this is one of my favorites, listen to Christian music! Or any music you enjoy for that matter.


3. A person does not have to be captive to their thoughts. You can change your thinking pattern believe it or not. You might wear a rubber band around your wrist for a time and when you find your thoughts have drifted to this man, snap the rubber band as a reminder you're not going to go there and engage yourself in something that occupies your mind.


If you're doing something that involves concentration, it's hard to continue thoughts of him.


4. Additionally, release yourself from thoughts of him by forgiving him for the hurt he caused you. Forgiveness is a conscious choice you make even when you don't feel like it. It's forgiving a person for hurting you and not being the person you needed.


Forgivness is a process, not a one-time event. You forgive whenever you feel this sadness, this missing him. It releases you. You do not tell the person you're forgiving them in a situation like this. You simply forgive. Maybe you'd say outloud:


"Dear God, I consciously choose to forgive this man for hurting me. Release me from the pain. Thank you for helping me recover."


It can be very simple. Just forgive in a way that works for you.


5. Remove reminders of the relationship - whatever they may be - pictures, gifts, etc. Put them out of sight. Remove his phone number from your cell phone, his email from your email, and such.


6. Plan some fun activities, preferably with friends, so you have something to look forward to.


7. Let yourself learn from this relationship as you have been.


8. Fully let yourself go through the grief process which consists of five stages: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. With a loss of any kind, not just death, a person will go through the process. It's based on Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' groundbreaking work, On Death and Dying. Simply being aware of what it happening to you emotionally can be helpful.


9. Keep hope. After you recover, you can go on to have a very emotionally healthy relationship with a man who is available and wants to move forward to love and marriage. That's what you really want. Keep your goals in mind and your eye on them. Look forward to the future, enjoy the present, and let the past go.


10. Think positive thoughts about yourself. Write a list of things you like about yourself. Put it in a prominent place so you can see it everyday.


11. Find other activities to fill the hole in your life where this person was. That's very important.


Each person's recovery and timeframe is different. What's important is what works for you!


12. Prayer helps immensely. God knows all a person's pain and He is the great Physician, the great Healer. There's a wonderful verse:


"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." I Peter 5: 7, Holy Bible, New International Version (NIV)


Another is:


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4: 6 - 7, NIV


JavaJava5
 
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gr8galmv is offline gr8galmv Post #6  March 27,2009, 7:25pm
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Ah girlie...sorry to hear that. I know all too well when something so promising hits the skids so quickly. It's in the back of my mind with my current relationship that this could happen again even though I rarely think about it.


Anyhow, I don't have any words of wisdom. You know what to do and feel free to post here or journal to process your feelings if you're trying not to become weak by contacting him.


You know what I like to do to pass the time. Turn on the tv as background noise and do a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle. That can totally waste a few nights of sadness while occupying your thoughts on putting together all these pieces.
 
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mountain_mama is offline mountain_mama Post #7  March 28,2009, 7:12am
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You all are so wonderful!


Thank you for your words of support and wisdom. It helps me so much to know you have been in this place and made it through, too.


I feel much better, so thank you!
 
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dolphin239 is offline dolphin239 Post #8  March 31,2009, 11:27am
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mountain_mama, wrote :

I miss him Ive never felt the kind of chemistry I had with him with anyone else, and yet, we just never seemed to be able to say what we wanted from each other. So Ive played it over and over again in my mind, and while I know he isn't the right guy for me, my heart is still so sad, and I miss him.So, I come to you all for strength and wisdom because I am feeling weak at the moment, and I can feel myself saying...well maybe I can just text him and say hi...Help me stay strong...what did you do to move on? How long did it take to get the person out of your head and heart?

I don't really have any mind-shattering advice. But I just wanted to say I can totally relate to how you feel. I'm "getting over" someone I couldn't seem to have a "real" relationship with or get together with. And yet I just FELT an amazing chemistry and I believe he felt it too. And really it seems beyond logic or whether you can "say what you want from each other" or really anything you can say. It just IS, and it's wonderful. Crazy but wonderful.


There are certainly methods you can employ to "get him out of your head" , psychological tricks like focusing on other things and so forth. Problem is, I don't want him out of my mind yet, for I'm afraid my world will be So boring! O'k. maybe boring isn't the word, colorless perhapsI 'spose I'm good at getting the person out of my head if I want to , it's just I'm addicted to the feeling so I don't want tobut if you Really want to - decide to yourself and be totally honest that you really DO want to. Then once decided, perhaps go to the book store, or maybe online, visualization even self hypnosis type things work for me. Or the old favorite, tell yourself and all your friends how horrible he is! Do this until you are convinced.
 
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dolphin239 is offline dolphin239 Post #9  March 31,2009, 11:38am
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Co6aka,551584 wrote :

What did you do to move on?


First, I realized that time already spent on a dead-end was time gone forever, like it went into a black hole, and whatever is thrown into a black hole will be sucked up into something so small you can't even see it, and then it will be like it never even existed. Then, I realized that could be me in the black hole.


How long did it take to get the person out of your head and heart?


After I realized the above, about two picoseconds.


Here's one for you to think about, slightly modified from the original:


“Woman looks into the abyss. There’s nothing staring back at her. At that moment she finds her character. And that's what keeps her out of the abyss.”


Somewhere out there in the vastness of space and time is your guy, and he feels just like you do, so don't let him down, keep searching.
You are so interesting Co6aka, weird, but interesting! The black hole analogy - Great example of visualization! The 2 picosecond thing though? I think it takes a woman A Lot longer to get over someone. Perhaps it's hormones or hardwired or something.


Oh I've looked into the abyss, dived in actually. Something I enjoy from time to time.
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #10  March 31,2009, 12:10pm
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Do we all long for the bygone days of arranged marriages? (Yes, that's rhetorical.)


The point is that EH's computers can only do so much. Two real people in the real world have to interact with each other and determine their fate.


What I think you need to take away from this is what I take away from the women that I have met through EH. YOU WERE MATCHED WITH SOMEONE "COMPATIBLE"! This is what keeps me paying month after month which nets about one or two dates a year.


What you do need to think about is why your priorities didn't match and why you didn't find out sooner.


As is said repeatedly around here: Decide if you answered your profile questions absolutely honestly. The more accurately you portrayed yourself the more compatible your matches are going to be. Now is a good time to review your match setting. Do you need to tighten down your setting or loosen them up?


Ask yourself what YOUR REAL relationship goals are. It sounds like you haven't been honest with yourself.
 
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