I'm a dude so perhaps you don't want my advice but I'm going to give it anyway, so there.


I'm not a virgin but I'm certainly not "experienced." We'll just say it's been years, and not for lack of opportunity =).


Virginity is a difficulty primarily on how you view it, not her. If she has a problem with it that's sort of her loss. A virgin or inexperienced man is a problem in a short term relationship or one night stand. Why? You're probably only going to sleep together once or at most a couple of times so it better be "good."


The media doesn't help. Women probably aren't as aware of this but there's a lot of performance anxiety for guys. We see Sex and the City (although we'd never admit it...oh, wait...you didn't hear that) and other such shows where women are constantly talking about how bad their lovers are and how they laugh with their friends about it afterwards. This can terrify a guy.


The funny part is many sexual issues, such as premature ejaculation and ED, are caused by sexual anxiety. There is certainly a physical component and older men often have these diseases as a physical problem but for a younger or very healthy man either condition is very unlikely. I was a virgin until I was 19 and my first time was definitely scary simply because I had no idea what to expect from myself. I'd heard all the jokes about "stamina" and feared my girlfriend would dislike me if I was bad at it.


Then I discovered all my fears were retarded because sex is not really a one time deal with someone you love. And I'm not just talking about once a day, I'm talking about once every 20-30 minutes for...many...iterations. I don't know how old you are so I can't say much about that but if you're still in your 20s the likelihood of being unable to continue after the first couple of times is very low. Short version: If you end quickly the first time, the second time probably won't be nearly as quick. Check out Mayo Clinic if you want a more detailed explanation.


If you are really, really worried about it, practice. Not with random women but by yourself. Yeah, yeah, the churches are going to condemn me to Heck but I don't see anything wrong with it. Read up about it. Not from porn, but from medical journals and technique books. Porn is all lies focused on size and sex that is quite honestly not nearly as fun as it looks as it's designed to be well *ahem* exposed and not designed for intimacy and comfort. If you're reading Playboy for the articles you may be a bit disappointed when trying to apply what you "learn."


The best thing to do is be open about it. Not in the "Hi, I'm a virgin!" sense but in being honest when the relationship enters an intimate level. Before it gets there your sexual background is really none of her business. If a girl really loves you the prospect of being your first is likely to be very exciting and, well, flattering. People like feeling special. You can't really give her anything more special than your first time.


On that note, however, I personally wouldn't recommend hyping it up. Don't be so afraid of "losing it" that you withdraw or withhold in relationships. You can be very intimite without intercourse. Let it happen when you feel comfortable with it, don't let the media and society tell you when you're ready. Focus more on the person you're with than the prospect of a sexual encounter.


And if things are getting heated and you aren't feeling ready explain why . Don't leave her to guess because she's probably not going to guess "he's uncomfortable" but "Oh, no! He's pulling away because he's unsure about our relationship! He doesn't like me anymore! Is he cheating on me? Oh, no, is it because I forgot to get the newspaper Friday of last week when he asked me to? Or was it something I said?"


She'll beat herself up about it, I can virtually guarantee it. If you let her know, gently, that you're a virgin and not ready to go that far yet and want to wait the chance of her not respecting you for that is almost nonexistant. The only real situation this happens is when you are dating a girl with severe trust issues who considers virginity a "sign" that something is wrong with you (which is retarded) but that relationship is going to end up with much deeper problems than your virginity.


In all likelihood she will not only respect your choice but respect you for having the guts to tell her. It's not easy to admit and I assure you she'll be much, much happier if you tell her before hand than let her know afterwords. It indicates you aren't a player, it indicates that you aren't ashamed of it or who you are, and it indicates that you trust her enough to let her know. These are all positive things. I cheated in having to do all this because I knew my first girlfriend since grade school so virginity was already a known quantity. I'm pretty sure my principles are sound, however =).


Either way, don't forget to have fun. It is a lot of fun and if you build it up to this big formal "symbol of my undying love" or what have you you'll end up losing a lot of the simple joy of staying in bed all day with someone you love. There aren't really "rules" to the process...the actual mechanics are pretty simple and ultimately involves a whole lot of instinct. Don't overcomplicate it!


Likewise, don't forget the end of the 40-Year-Old Virgin. You're never too old to start and each individual has their own time.


So yeah, that wasn't a woman's perspective, but I can't give that. I can say, however, worrying too much about her perspective is only going to mess you up. Relationships aren't about "Her" or "You." Either situation ends badly.


It's about "Us." Keep that in mind and you'll be fine =).


Jacquesne