Dating and living in a Strange Land....and what makes you so special?


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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #1  February 1,2009, 10:49am

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This is sort of a spin-off of the "he's out of my league" thread. It got me thinking. I'm not sure I have a question, but more of a realization and am wondering if others have dealt with this and if it goes in stages with others as well, and how do you reel yourself back in ....








I've always been pretty independent and knew myself pretty well. I got used to doing things I wanted to do alone (for the most part...within my comfort zone). And I really valued my single time to grow and take care of myself. I made it through grad school, saw a lot of the country, had some great adventures, and lots of old friends to share my tales with. People that I had grown up with who also really "knew" me...and luckily I am still in contact with many of them no matter where I might be in the country. Occasionally I would get wrapped up in some guy, but never seemed to have a hard time remembering who I was or what was important to me, or getting myself back on track. Also, I had goals then, one of them was to get a new job and move west or south...which I did.


So, 7 or 8 months later, I'm in Texas, new great job, cool apartment. At some point a few months ago I made a bunch of new friends and was dating someone I was admittedly, a little bit head over heels over. It was kinda like a big party.


This is not the first time I've put myself in a new situation, with no one but myself to depend on. I knew what to expect for the most part. But the high has worn off a little....I'm thinking now the friends I made were....well....not the best inflences. Not that I'm all that easily influeneced....well, they are really just random people that happen to live near me. I like them all, for the most part in different ways but none of them really share my interests (that I know of)....unless you consider drinking an interest. I do, but in moderation.


The guy....well, I just broke it off with him yesterday. he wasn't really what he seemed either. But I have to wonder too if he started to identifiy me with my current situation.....with these new friends I just happened upon in this buildilng....with this place.... I got wrapped up in a new situation and am really just a "fledgling" here. My family is not here, my lifelong friends are not here....and I've yet to really (Admittedly) make the time or effort to get involved in things here that I really do value....I'd like to do more outdoors stuff (I go hiking by myself in random places a lot but I want to do more than that like kayaking or climbing) or like church.... I'm scared to go to a new church... I admit it. I'm reserved when it comes to things like church and dont want people fawning on me when I walk in the door alone.


Another problem.... I feel like people take you for granted if they think you are new and don't know anybody. They don't know where I came from or the established life I left to move on to something new. I really think people can be this shallow. If they think they are your only option for that night or whatever they tend to mistreat you. My friends here didn't even know I had a master's degree or seem to have any idea the life I have elsewhere....like I just materialized here out of thin air. I was very accomplished in my old job as well. It can be extremely humbling to walk into a new situation where no cares or understands what you are capable of. It can be kind of fun too but at some point....you can lose yourself cause your just to busy trying to get along with people, get by, and in some cases even prove yourself.


I feel like I'm past the intial adjustment phase now in my new place and am sort of realizing it and staring at the ceiling like "what happened" and how do I get myself back?


The dating relationship drained me, it didn't work out. The closest friend I had here....also drained me and we havn't talked much in a week. She is going off the deep end and the more I get to know her the more I think she is screwed up (drugs...anorexia.....) and its kind of like watching a train wreck.


I feel like I've lost myself a little bit and my first inclination is to RUN! But thats simply not possible. I've got to stay here for at least a few more months and I don't think its the place thats bothering me. But I think its time to really adjust and not just that initial landing I had.


Well, I'm sure my situation is unique but maybe some can relate. If anything, what I am getting at is so many of us get to a point in our lives where we feel in control of it, and sure of ourselves and sure of what we want and deserve. I remember getting there.... I was about 26. I'm looking back on that person for some guidance because I feel like I left her pretty far behind! How do you reel yourself back in, besides just waking up one day (like I did yesterday and today) and saying....Its time to start over?


and PS. What makes YOU so special....do you know?
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #2  February 1,2009, 11:05am
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cp30, I can relate a little to your situation as I have just moved across the country 7 months agoto a new job and left behind a really fun job where a worked with lots of people that were the friends in my social network. Like you, my first while here in CA was easy as I was so busy with my new job and I have made some new friends at work, but now I've come to a point where my work has eased up and I really feel the void that my old friends filled. I have been lucky that the people I have befriended through work are fanastic and good influences, but either they are not single and ortheylive a long commute away andwe don't do anything unless I initiate a night out. Now that I've discovered EHA, I think sometimes it is a crutch for me as I rebuild my life here as I spend way too much time here.


It is a slow process to get to know people, even those who are instantly welcoming. Friendship bonds grow through shared experiences andI can see how you have managed to make these friends as going out drinking and partying with people can be a real bonding experinece. I think you want to find other kinds of shared experiences to meet other people and form friendships over something more meaningful. There must be some clubs or meet up groups you can join to pursue your interests in the outdoors and meet like-minded people. I am actually envious of people who do have their religion and can move somewhere and have the immediate feeling of community by joining a new church--you are lucky to have that option, I think.


I'm not sure if you are talking about just moving out of your building or leaving your job and starting over again somewhere else. If it is the building, then go for it, but if you are talking about the whole thing, well, that's starting from scratch again and I don't think I would want to do that anytime soon. I'm sorry it hasn't worked out for you with that guy, but I hope will get out of my post that I think what you are feeling is probably natural for the upheaval you (and I) have just gone through and I really believe things will get better with every day. Go find some positive people to add to your new social network--people who will care to ask about your master's degree and the life you had before you landed in Texas.


And what makes me so special?--the same thingthat makesyou special. Nobody has lived my life but me--I am unique because I have become the person I am now because of all of my exerinces. Good luck.
 
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corky44 is offline corky44 Post #3  February 1,2009, 11:14am
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Hey CP30. Moving to a new place is always an adjustment. Particularly when your family and friends are so far away. I'm sorry to hear about the somewhat shallow friendships and your break up. I hope you can recover quickly and start pursuing your interests. I can relate to your story in some ways. This semester is very different for me in that I have lots of projects to manage simultaneously. I've been overwhelmed with some personal issues and so got behind on the projects. Now it's time to get serious even though panicked me wants to run. The key is forcing yourself to do what you know you need to even when your emotions scream otherwise. I know you know that. If you're wanting to hike up in Austin, give me a hollar.
 
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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #4  February 1,2009, 11:42am
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This is the 2nd time that I've moved to a new country. Cultural differences were not the issue as it's easy for me to adapt to a new environment. But it also helped to find a social group, to serve as a base for getting to know the new culture. In one case, it was the expat community which came from many different countries. Coming to the USA, my Church was the base from which I launched into learning about my new surroundings.

CP30, I'm not sure what is your kind of Church. I hope it's not the kind the considers singles to be close to outcasts. We have a huge singles community in our Church as it serves our University as well. You may want to visit your Church's singles events (hopefully it's not a meat market) and make friends there first, rather than walk into Sunday service alone. I find that it's always best to hang out with people who share your values.

And what makes me special? I'm able to adapt to life under different circumstances, as I gre wup in a multi-cultural, multi-lingual environment. I focus on what I have in common with others, rather than what sets us apart. I hate to be stereotyped, and try very hard not to do it. I used to think that quality of easily adapting to new situations, was not a big deal. However, having met so many men (and women) who have difficulties with the unfamiliar, I realize that I must be very, very special not to have that problem.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #5  February 1,2009, 11:44am

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melincali....wow, it sounds like we do have a lot in common in this area. yeah, I would like to leave my building now but know that won't be possible until July 1. It's a nice place but I know right now I am just associating it with this little panic attack! I'm associating it with my new friends, with the breakup, with lonliness on top of that. I had a chance to move to a cool new place in the city but I decided to stay where I am and I'm regretting it a little now. To be honest I think I stayed because of the new friends and the boyfriend. I should have moved. It was only supposed to be for 6 months but like you said.... I was also too tired from the recent upheaval to even move to a new place in the same area!


Yes....I have been thinking I might want to move back to California which has been my favorite place through this journey! but....in all honesty and practicality I believe it would be another upheaval, and I really need to give this place time, something I'm not terribly good at. I'm always afraid to get "stuck" somewhere...andI'm not getting any younger I feel like I need to hurry up and plant myself either before I get stuck in the wrong place or before I waste all my time.


Thanks for your awesome response! I too use this board as a crutch sometimes....but I was thinking that at least some of the people here are more the type I want to meet in my real life....and the people I know in real life I wish were more like this.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #6  February 1,2009, 11:46am

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Corky....sometimes I forget how close we are! We should get together as things warm up for some outdoor fun! I need to fix my bike tires....I'm looking forward to checking out some more places around Austin this year.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #7  February 1,2009, 11:48am

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Nosey...thanks for the response. As for church... I dont know and I don't even know where to start. Every time I've gone to church at home I've felt somewhat uncomfortable with people wanting to hug me and touch me and welcome me. Thats great and all but I kind of want to "shop around" first and see if I like the place before people start asking me personal questions and "welcoming" me. The singles idea is a good idea....but...also a little scary to me. ugh. I'm such a loner when it comes to my religion! My mom did sort of bring me up this way....I'm not sure it will be easy to change.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #8  February 1,2009, 11:57am

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that reminds me....shortly before I met the guy I was dating and before I made new friends I had joined some "meetup" groups but never went to any of the events. I intended to but shortly thereafter made new friends and got busy. Its almost like I just got totally caught up in my new social life and let it take over. I lost interest in a lot of my own interests....I think I allowed one of my friends, who is very dramatic and charismatic to dominate a lot of my time...and we were both dating guys that we would talk a lot about (her situation, of course more dramatic than mine). I think she was pretty toxic actually and I'm just coming down from this weird negative feedback loop I was in!


The guy, talking to her, getting more worked up, talking to the guy, talking to her, getting more worked up, forgetting about my life, talking to her and trying to keep her from going over the edge, talking to my guy about her, guy wondering why I have crazy friends, talking to her about guy not meeting my needs, getting drunk with her, taking care of her and trying to keep her from hurting herself....finally.....burned out (me).


I just identified this negative feedback loop about a week ago! I'm glad to be out of it but I need to remember where I started.
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #9  February 1,2009, 1:40pm
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I think that for many people, life is to be explored -- jobs, locations, friends, dates, mates. Most of us did this while going to a new high school, moving away to college, finding that first entry-level job, getting promoted to a better job, getting the first serious boyfriend. All the time you are wondering "Am I good enough? Smart enough? Do people like me?" It's challenging to find the mate, job, location that fits, that you hope is the Right One, and not just Right Now.


Figuring out your life is like trying on shoe styles - high heel, low heel, athletic shoe, pumps, loafers. You're trying to find the right fit and in the process you find out that you have wide feet, high arches, and a bunion.


Still you try to fit into those stylish stiletto pumps and after the blisters and and the aching feet you decide "Enough with style and suffering!" and you get the lower heel ankle boots which are still stylish but you can walk all day in them - maybe even the rest of your life. But the shoes will get old, worn, move to the back of the closet and you start looking for new shoes again.


So perhaps the pressure would be lessened if you realize that your life choices, whether in mates, friends, jobs and location, aren't going to permanently stain you like a tattoo. In the U.S. there is a remarkable fluidity in our society that allows us to reinvent ourselves, and have multiple lives in our lifetime. Appreciate your life choices for how they guided you to the right place for that time in your life.


"We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. " TS Eliot
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #10  February 1,2009, 4:17pm

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Thanks Shelby, that was very well said and ....artful! I like the part about being fluid and reinventing....very true. Thanks!
 
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