Do I Have Anyright To Bud In.....


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RoninsMom is offline RoninsMom Post #1  January 14,2009, 11:11pm
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I had tried to post this about a week ago & as far as I know it never showed up???


Anyway, to make a long story short.


I have a bestfriend of 22 years. for the last 5 years she has been dating "THE WORST MAN ON THE PLANET".


He: 1.)Doesn't/Hasn't worked


.) Cheats constantly & lies about it (with his ex girlfriend).


3.)Will not let her speak to friends or family "if she wants to be w/ him"


4.) He says nasty things about her freinds & family so she will not trust them...and it works.


5.) She has lost several jobs due to his emotional distress she is constantly under & also because he threatens co-workers


6.) He talks to her like she is human garbage & calls her "fat & ugly" (she is GORGEOUS, 5'4 & 107lbs & a 36 C cup w/ LONG jet black hair!).


NOW HERE ARE THE BIG REASONS:


7.) He physically has abused her (in front of her daughter,yes she is a single Mother).


The "Biggie" :


8.) We just found out her spent 8.5 years in prison for stabbing one of his ex girlfriends 34 times!(she knew, but never told us).


9.)HE IS A FULL FLEDGED DAILY USER/SMOKER of COCAINE/CRACK ADDICT WHO USES HER CHILD SUPPORT THAT SHE GETS FROM HER EX BOYFRIEND TO PURCHASE HIS DRUG


*SHE LEFT HIM (HER DAUGHTER'S DAD)BECAUSE HE WAS AN ADDICT (HEROIN) HE IS IN THE MILITARY & HAS 8+ YEARS SOBER.


This "boyfriend"has also stabbed her daughters pet fish to the wall,which left her daughter tramatized,& she has been exposed to this lifestyle for 5 years now. He smokes drugs in her basement daily & is at the "paranoid" stage


She has to sneak to talk to anyone,I have kept my mouth closed because ifI didn't she wouldn't tell me anything,he breals up with her daily & she cries & begs him back.


There are so many other things,but since her daughter is involved,do I have any rights to "bud in" if so, how do I go about it?


It has long been past the crisis situation,she will deny anything bad about him.


She has given up her 4 sisters, all her friends & extended family...and I have even showed up when they had locked her daughter out of the bed room while the BOTH were doing drugs for days & I had to get her in the tub & feed her (at that time she was 9??) Her daughter now has devolopmental disabilities (she can barely speak well has stayed back 2 time & goes to a tutor).


Any Suggestions? She Has no other friends that even care anymore...should I stay out? If not, what shouldI do?


I hope this makes sense...
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #2  January 14,2009, 11:20pm
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It is a sad situation but seems common in theme to abusive relationships. I feel most sorry for the daughter that did not choose this situation.


The reason this lady has lost her friends and family is because the fact is people only try so long before giving up. She wants his acceptance...even though he is simply bad for her.


By the definition of friend ...you care...but for your own health you do need to watch out for yourself. I think you need to do what feels right for you. Sure she needs a good friend but at the same time she isn't your responsibility. To get out of this mess...she has to choose to do so.
 
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eyesofblue2 is offline eyesofblue2 Post #3  January 14,2009, 11:38pm
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You cannot do much for the adult, who has made a choice. But, by all means step up and call the child services for that daughter. That little girl did not ask to be put in that place. You don't even have to tell the child protective service your name. They will act without involving you.


At some point an adult needs to stand up for a child who has no choice.
 
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thefinerlife is offline thefinerlife Post #4  January 14,2009, 11:42pm
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eyesofblue2,432312 wrote :

You cannot do much for the adult, who has made a choice. But, by all means step up and call the child services for that daughter. That little girl did not ask to be put in that place. You don't even have to tell the child protective service your name. They will act without involving you.


At some point an adult needs to stand up for a child who has no choice.
Totally agree... call the cps.... That child does not deserve to see this or be involved. This may put a wake up call to your friend as well.
 
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Altair is offline Altair Post #5  January 15,2009, 3:50am
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This almost sounded like a made up post, but having been in an abusive relationship myself, i can also see a lot of truth to it. This woman has very little self esteem or self worth. And from what you say has become a crack addict herself. She is on her way to the bottom on a greased pole and there is nothing you can do about it. She is gonna have to bottom out before things can get any better. Believe it or not, you would be doing her a favor if you called the police and turned them in for child endangerment. A stint in jail is about the only thing now that can save her now. Heavy drug addiction is almost impossible to beat without outside intervention. Act today before it is too late.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #6  January 15,2009, 5:16am
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Your earlier post did show up and you received a couple of responses (FYI, you can always find your earlier posts by looking in the activities list in your profile). Here is the link: http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=view_thread&TID=24006
 
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KungFuFtr is offline KungFuFtr Post #7  January 15,2009, 7:07am
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Call DCFS and the police. It might be your word against your friend's though. Your friend probably will deny everything to protect her bf though.
 
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m8se69 is offline m8se69 Post #8  January 15,2009, 7:44am
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By all means, step up, or have someone in her family step-up to protect this child! Call the ex-boyfriend...call the cops...call SOMEONE!


If what you say about this man stabbing his ex/gf 34 times is true, that should be enough right there to get the child out of that house!


You can't help your friend, but you can help the child. And possibly by doing something for the child, you will open your friends eyes, and end-up helping her in the long run!
 
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deadtroll is offline deadtroll Post #9  January 15,2009, 8:05am
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Definatly call child protection services, you can do it anoymously and they should investigate the situation. Aslo contacting the school the child goes to and get them involved can help. If you can contact the childs father it would also be a good idea too if you can do it with out your friend knowing it was you. Save the kid and hope your friend pulls out of the hole your friend is falling into.
 
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Songryder is offline Songryder Post #10  January 15,2009, 8:29am
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RoninsMom, wrote :

I had tried to post this about a week ago & as far as I know it never showed up???


Anyway, to make a long story short.


I have a bestfriend of 22 years. for the last 5 years she has been dating "THE WORST MAN ON THE PLANET".


He: 1.)Doesn't/Hasn't worked


.) Cheats constantly & lies about it (with his ex girlfriend).


3.)Will not let her speak to friends or family "if she wants to be w/ him"


4.) He says nasty things about her freinds & family so she will not trust them...and it works.


5.) She has lost several jobs due to his emotional distress she is constantly under & also because he threatens co-workers


6.) He talks to her like she is human garbage & calls her "fat & ugly" (she is GORGEOUS, 5'4 & 107lbs & a 36 C cup w/ LONG jet black hair!).


NOW HERE ARE THE BIG REASONS:


7.) He physically has abused her (in front of her daughter,yes she is a single Mother).


The "Biggie" :


8.) We just found out her spent 8.5 years in prison for stabbing one of his ex girlfriends 34 times!(she knew, but never told us).


9.)HE IS A FULL FLEDGED DAILY USER/SMOKER of COCAINE/CRACK ADDICT WHO USES HER CHILD SUPPORT THAT SHE GETS FROM HER EX BOYFRIEND TO PURCHASE HIS DRUG


*SHE LEFT HIM (HER DAUGHTER'S DAD)BECAUSE HE WAS AN ADDICT (HEROIN) HE IS IN THE MILITARY & HAS 8+ YEARS SOBER.


This "boyfriend"has also stabbed her daughters pet fish to the wall,which left her daughter tramatized,& she has been exposed to this lifestyle for 5 years now. He smokes drugs in her basement daily & is at the "paranoid" stage


She has to sneak to talk to anyone,I have kept my mouth closed because ifI didn't she wouldn't tell me anything,he breals up with her daily & she cries & begs him back.


There are so many other things,but since her daughter is involved,do I have any rights to "bud in" if so, how do I go about it?


It has long been past the crisis situation,she will deny anything bad about him.


She has given up her 4 sisters, all her friends & extended family...and I have even showed up when they had locked her daughter out of the bed room while the BOTH were doing drugs for days & I had to get her in the tub & feed her (at that time she was 9??) Her daughter now has devolopmental disabilities (she can barely speak well has stayed back 2 time & goes to a tutor).


Any Suggestions? She Has no other friends that even care anymore...should I stay out? If not, what shouldI do?


I hope this makes sense...
Clearl this man is a complete control freak but she's also "allowing" him to do this by staying with him. She's also clearly playing the victim roll here and it's very difficult to break out of that pattern. Her self esteem must have been pretty low to even get involved with someone this psychotic, but she has to ultimately make the decision to leave him and no one will be able to talk her into it and you run the risk of alienating her even more if you go in with both guns blazing and getting this guy in your face at the same time.


This is "Battered Woman Syndrome" at it's most dangerous. She feels so bad about herself she doesn't think she can make it on her own and he's messed with her head enough that she's convinced of it now.


The best thing you can do is send her some phone #'s of some Hot Lines she can contact for support in getting out if she decides she wants to at some juncture. I know you want to help, but this situation requires professional intervention. Be her friend as much as possible. Take her out to lunch or call her at work to let her know you care about her and are very concerned and that there are things that she can do if she wants to get out, but he can't know you're doing this or you'll put yourself at great risk as well. Guy oughta be behind bars.


Tread lightly here.
 
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