Trying to deal with myself


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ShawnCole50 is offline ShawnCole50 Post #1  January 3,2009, 11:02am
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hopes for better weather.

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Ok I just recently screwed up a something that might have been the best relationship in my life due to me smothering them and I have come to conclusion that maybe I need to quit being a needy person or someone that relies on someone else to make them happy. I need to learn to make myself happy is there any tips, clues or good books that can help me with this.
 
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sweetT is offline sweetT Post #2  January 3,2009, 12:21pm
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But I think, the right person wont mind that your needy. why change? Just find the right girl. =)
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  January 3,2009, 12:58pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I'll give you a heads up on something that really helped me with my own personal growth. It's a system of self awareness exercises called the Feldenkrais Method. If you're interested it you can get a book called "Awareness Through Movement" by Moshe Feldenkrais. I found it very interesting and valuable. And...I do think you're on the right track here with addressing your own development. Best wishes.
 
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ShawnCole50 is offline ShawnCole50 Post #4  January 3,2009, 6:14pm
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Thanks again Sweet and thank you JayJay.


Sweet the only reason I say this is if I can find happiness in myself I wont rely on someone always making me happy. This is healthier for me and the perons I am with. I know what to do its just hard because I think I done it most of my dating life and never knew it. Everybody gave me advice what to do but I think my inner self took over trying to keep that communication going with someone to make me happy. Just like the other article I started....if I was able to make myself happy I wouldnt have needed to try and keep in touch with her all that day but then again I still think she just wasnt into me all that much and used it as an excuse because to be honest if she really liked me i dont think she would have minded me trying to stay in touch with her but who knows I sure dont. She made every move....grabbing my arm and hugging me close. Wanting me to put my arm around her. When she got up to use the restroom from behind she wrapped her arms around me and kissed the back of my head. When I walked her to the car she kissed me. So either I had a really confused date or I screwed up. Me an her had so much in common and being attracted to her on top of that made me start looking at myself and see what is going on with me.
 
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sasha979 is offline sasha979 Post #5  January 3,2009, 9:29pm
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I'm sorry this happened to you. Give her time. I don't think you did anything wrong. She just (maybe) took it the wrong way.


If you don't hear from her again use this as a learning experience.


It's her loss, not everyone is as thoughtful as you are.


Best wishes.
 
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Shannan is offline Shannan Post #6  January 3,2009, 9:46pm
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Hi Shawn-- I didn't read your other posting about the date, but I can see that it is possible that your date was just a very physically affectionate person and did like you. It did not necessarily mean that she wanted to begin being with you 24/7. Your constant calls might have indicated to her that you don't have any friends/family or personal interests or perhaps that you are obsessive. All of those things are frightening to most emotionally healthy people. It's a heavy load to be responsible for someone else's happiness, or to be their only interest.


If you do find a woman who responds to this type of reaction from you, she may very well have her own issues (control, manipulation)that you will in the long run end up being tortured by.


I'd recommend talking with a therapist, or if you have not done so yet-- explore what Jesus Christ has to offer you in terms of peace, joy, and contentment. Also, can't remember the author's name, but Love Is A Choice is a good one about codependency issues. Also, there are lots of good books out there about boundaries in dating.


Best Wishes!
 
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Shannan is offline Shannan Post #7  January 3,2009, 9:50pm
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Oh, one more thing... have you tried to develop any hobbies or interests? Anything that you get excited and passionate about doing or learning about? When you have this, it won't be an issue if you don't see your girlfriend for a day or somechick doesn't return your call...
 
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ShawnCole50 is offline ShawnCole50 Post #8  January 4,2009, 1:17am
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Shannan I thinkyou hit it dead on there.I recently got out of a relationship with someone that was dependant on me so I must have caried it over with this girl unconsciously and yes I was very tortured by it and it drove me away. Thisgirl was so freespirited and believed in living life to the fullest and do beleive she was very affectionate and emotionally healthy. She does think i am obssesive too by the way but Im not. Someone I cared alot about and i push them away there is no worse feeling in the world right now. Me being in a long term relationship with someone and not being happy and then going to someone who made me very happy I kept wanting her attention and wanted to be with her more and more which in turn drove her away. i wish there were something I could do to bring her back but she wont even answer my texts anymore and i wont call her becauee I respect her wishes.Thank you all for your repsonses all of this is helping me because I take what I read especially good advice to the heart.
 
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EMTZ is offline EMTZ Post #9  January 4,2009, 4:36am
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has quickly adapted back to her lazy lifestyle

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I am almost always happy, single or not, and the following are some of the reasons that I can think of at the moment, which hopefully can help you as well:


1. Whenever I start feeling sorry for myself, I remember those who are much less fortunate. For those in extreme poverty, for example, a date losing interest in him/her will be the least of their worries.


2. I do not see any issue about changing myself, unless it is to change me into someone I like less. I always try to improve myself to have the personality traits that I admire in those I know. This way, even if no one else likes me, I know at least I like myself. Obviously, liking one's self is important in being happy. Usually, there is at least one other person who will share one's taste in personality traits, so I believe this is one of the reasons I have always found someone who likes at least some of my personality traits, several of which I did not initially have. So having others liking me is just a positive side effect of trying to have those traits I like.


3. I always try do my best in things I find important to minimize future regrets. This way, if things still do not work out, I can tell myself that I have done all that I can. In those unfortunate cases, however, I will, as soon as I possibly can, switch gear, try my best to accept them and move on as soon as I can, to minimize any bitterness from corrupting my happiness.


4. I try to keep my skin thick. All the people I personally know who have almost always been successful in their careers and love lives have one thing in common: they all have thick skin. Having thick skin makes it less likely for one to get offended and therefore unhappy. It also helps one extract important points from what others say, a lot of which are very helpful to improve one's self. I try my best to discard one's delivery and instead to focus on what s/he has to say. In my personal experiences, those with the harshest words are often the ones who actually waked me up immediately, instead of having me press the snooze button on something I should fix about myself.


5. I try to always give people the benefit of the doubt: when I have no proof that someone had done something bad, I force myself to drop that thought. This has helped a lot in my relationships, romantic and otherwise, because most will prefer to be with those who do not easily suspect others. In addition, the more you think one is is doing something bad to you, the unhappier you get. So why not give others the benefit of the doubt for the sake of your own happiness?


6. I remember when I was a child and knew nothing about romance. I was still cheerful and had no worries even though I was single. That simply tells me that no one needs a romantic partner to be happy.
 
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Candid_Witch is offline Candid_Witch Post #10  January 4,2009, 5:05am
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Happiness can't be found when you seek it yourself. Give it to others and it will find it's way back to you.
 
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