I'm engaged but its all falling apart


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pjef is offline pjef Post #1  December 16,2008, 7:52pm
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my father passed away a few years ago. I met the most perfect man and we dated for a year, now im engaged. my mum liked him as he seemed to get on well with both of us and he helped out around the garden etc and sort of was the handy man.


since been engaged he's wanting to get married and move etc. He lives at home but in a granny flat in his parents back yard. I asked my mum if he could move in our place and she said yes. the next day she changed her mind. Next day she said i had to get out while I can . She wakes me up at 3.30am saying she doesnt 'want to live on her own and she is prepared to sub divide the land as there is room to build. when she found out that he only has $5000 saved she has since turned away and thinks i should find someone better than him. The thing is i dont 'want to find anyone else . If we could build on our property then we can pay off sooner and save heaps more and that way my mum wont' be on her own. we've been keeping quiet and not talking about it much as christmas is coming up. what makes it even harder is we want to have an engagement party next year and my mum is pulling away and doesn't think its a good idea. anyone else in the same situation??
 
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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #2  December 17,2008, 12:53am
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I am quite sure there is more to this story than you present. It is very difficult to comment without further information.


While your mother might not want to lose her daughter, and could be acting out this fear, she may also be concerned that, having lived at home, the man should have saved much more money if he hopes to support a wife and family.


Your mother, having thought over the matter, might have had a change of heart. She may be trying to protect your inheritance. If the property is subdivided and the deed given to you as a couple, could the gentleman lay claim to half of it, under your country's divorce laws? To what extent would your mother have to help you acquire the funds needed to build a house, on this land which she would have deeded to you as a couple? Frankly, those questions sprang to mind in response to your post.


You seem young. I do not want to judge your motives for being drawn to this man, or his motives for wanting to marry you. You mentioned the death of your father. I'm thinking there could be a reason for mentioning it in conjunction with your relationship with this man.


Finally, have you had much experience dating? Is this your first 'serious' relationship? That a man gets along well with you and your mother, and plays the role of a handyman is no basis for marrying him. It could also be the reason for your infatuation. Many persons who are now divorced admit that their parents had warned them against the marriage in the first place.


I'm sorry that my response will not validate what you seem to want to do. However I hope I've given you something to ponder. I'm in favor of caution in such an important issue as marriage.
 
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Aussie_Devilette is offline Aussie_Devilette Post #3  December 17,2008, 1:00am
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I agree with noseyparker, there is a lot of inormation missing. Your ages are important.


I'll tell you about my grandmother. My mother was an only child and her father (my grandather's husband) had either died or disappeared when my mother was 12. I say died or disappeared because while we were always told he died, having done some research, I am not so sure, but that is a WHOLE other story!


My grandmother just could not stand the thought of my mother getting married. My mother was all she had left and her belief was my mother should stay single and care for her in her old age. She did not want to be alone.


Lucky for me, I guess, my mother got married anyway. My grandmother did not give them a wedding present.


My mother was not young at the time, she was, I think, 29 or 30 when she got married.


Only you know the other aspects to the situation - whether you wish to share them is up to you, but on the face of it, it could be that your mother feels she is losing the only person she has left in the world.
 
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pjef is offline pjef Post #4  December 17,2008, 5:29pm
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I am 28 and he is 30. I have been with someone else before but I ended it as it wasn't going anywhere. He is an enrolled nurse and I have an office job so we are both saving. My mum is disappointed as he doesn't have much money behind him. It is also a concern of mine as since he's been living at home where has his money gone? im going to give him 18 months to see how much he's saved. I don't want to start over again.
 
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LavenderFields is offline LavenderFields Post #5  December 17,2008, 6:12pm
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pjef,383802 wrote :

I am 28 and he is 30. I have been with someone else before but I ended it as it wasn't going anywhere. He is an enrolled nurse and I have an office job so we are both saving. My mum is disappointed as he doesn't have much money behind him. It is also a concern of mine as since he's been living at home where has his money gone? im going to give him 18 months to see how much he's saved. I don't want to start over again.
That (in bold) should NEVER EVER be a reason to stay with somebody. EVER!


Why don't you ask him? I agree if he is living with his family and is 30 and he is a nurse and he has not saved more than $5000, makes me wonder. So go ahead and ask. How about you? Have you saved more than him? If you are 2 years younger and with a lower paying job (I assume) AND living at home AND were able to save more, doesn't that say something ?
 
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pjef is offline pjef Post #6  December 17,2008, 6:52pm
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I have saved heaps more than him but he doesn't know that. I guess some people are better at saving than others. we both earn about the same amount.


This is really hard. I really want this to work out more than anything in the world.
 
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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #7  December 18,2008, 1:57am
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pjef,383802 wrote :


I am 28 and he is 30. I have been with someone else before but I ended it as it wasn't going anywhere. He is an enrolled nurse and I have an office job so we are both saving. My mum is disappointed as he doesn't have much money behind him. It is also a concern of mine as since he's been living at home where has his money gone? im going to give him 18 months to see how much he's saved. I don't want to start over again.


You could find yourself starting over, with a lot more to lose if you don't stop and think this through carefully. You've hit on a major reason for the demise of many marriages-MONEY! You could easily find yourself in the middle of financial woes, and have to give up half the assets you've acquired. Imagine handing over part of your own savings in a 50:50 split of assets in a divorce, not to mention part of your inheritance in your Mother's land.


You say "...I really want this to work out more than anything in the world." Young lady, this will not be the last man on earth. I invite you to take your time, and check out this man's habits. People do not change easily. I'm sure you'd rather find someone whose attitude toward money is compatible with yours. It is better to wait and be sure you've got someone compatible, than rush into marriage, and find yourself in trouble later. Please listen to your mother.
 
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