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the_unsnark is offline the_unsnark Post #5  November 5,2009, 5:40am
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Central California

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Sassafras54 wrote :
Congratulations on all the progress you've made! It's impressive.

Some women will not accept you as you are, but others will. That's true for everyone, not just you! Have to just ... Start!

A word of caution ... if you've never dated, then it's going to be a whole new world for you, lots to learn. It might be a good idea to go into it with the idea of exploration, rather than "finding someone to share my life with" right off the bat. You have lots of time. Good luck!
Thanks!
You make some good points there. And exploration is pretty much my goal these days anyway

kevin76 wrote :
I agree with Sassy - some will be put off and some will not, same for anyone. And start out light - don't expect to find the love of your life on the first dozen dates.

I would suggest you start one step back from actually dating. Start by just flirting. No commitment, no expectation, just friendly banter with attractive women.
That will give you two advantages: it's less pressure because you're not trying to build up to a date but just having fun, and it will give you practice talking to different women without the social pressure of a date.
If you do that long enough and get good at it, the dates will begin to follow naturally (and that's always the best way for a date to start.)

Good luck.
I just wonder what percentage may be put off by my... weirdness. Obviously, everyone's different, but from where I'm standing it sure seems like a long shot.
Also, flirting... Eeek!
I'm thinking that you're absolutely right, but still, for someone like me, flirting is right up there with bobbing for hot-dogs in a piranha tank, as far as things I'd rather be doing If I were only halfway decent-looking... well, who am I kidding, it'd still be terrifying. The nice thing about sites like eHarmony is that you'll more likely at least meet someone who you know you'll have something to talk about with.

You sound like you've done a lot of good things to get yourself healthy. That's an attractive trait in anyone.

You can't do anything about other people's perceptions other than be who you are. You don't talk about friends. I'm wondering if you have a social circle that could give you some support and some practice on the kinds of interactions that you'll need to be adept at in dating. If not, I'd start there first. Pick something you like and learn more about it. A class or workshop at a community college. You'll likely meet some folks your age who are also updating their skills or looking for interesting hobbies and you can start to build from there.

There are a lot of people right now in the same boat, financially and in terms of residence. Some people will be comfortable with that and others won't. Try to focus on the ones who are.

I know it's a time commitment, but consider doing some volunteer work. It's a great way to meet people with similar interests and values. It's also a great way to help manage the depression and anxiety. You shouldn't do it for that, of course. Pick something you believe strongly in: animal shelter, Habitat for Humanity, local arts association. Ask if they have anything you can do for a few hours a week. The more socially adept you become and the more full and interesting your life is, the easier dating will be.

Most of all, keep your support system strong and remind yourself of all the progress you've made toward building the life you want. Even if you don't find someone to share it with right away, that's a huge deal in itself.

Good luck.
Thanks for the encouragement. You're right that it's important to appreciate the things you have accomplished. Quite a few of us fail to do that - I know I do!
As far as friends, I really only have one local friend, and he's got mental health issues as well, so he doesn't have much of a social circle either. I have been trying to make friends at school - I've been going to the local college on and off - but it's been years and I haven't managed to take any friendships beyond the after-class chat stage! This is one of my bigger frustrations, really.
Volunteer work is a great suggestion; I'd recommend it to absolutely everyone. It really gives you a wonderful sense of purpose. I'm volunteering right now on a suicide/crisis hotline (where my experience with depression turns out to be an asset), but the one thing that's a bit of a bummer about working on the hotline is that I very rarely see any of my fellow volunteers (that's just how the schedule works). I'm looking into volunteer work helping adults with health/mobility issues right now as well (partly for that reason).
Anyway, social anxiety is really a b1tch for me - I like people, but I can't bring myself to meet them! If I were some kind of misanthropic hermit at heart, life would be so much easier!

Thank you, everyone, for the advice and kind words. I hope once I've learned a thing or four I can contribute more to the boards here
 
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