I don't know if those of you who posted will get to read this but I want to say Thank you. Not looking for sympathy... just most people don't hear the good stuff from comments. The brick has fallen & the kick in the butt that I needed. I once was a kind, caring, warm hearted person that never thought this would happen to me. I know that I will go to hell & I live with that. I just got stirred up again when he came back around, if he didn't search I wouldn't be asking the questions about his thoughts. I WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING I want to be the person I once was but it maybe to late after the mistake I've done. If I could erase the time I would but at the moment I don't understand the let go move on part when those questions come into my head that I asked about. I have learned I just wanted to understand his thoughts so I can counter act I wasn't looking to see how I could cheat more
Wow, you came back! And even didn't get defensive about the posts. Impressive.
I'm glad you want to do the Right Thing.
Everyone makes mistakes; everyone has done things they later regret. But there's no real point in trying to figure out why HE cheated. There is a point in figuring out why YOU cheated, so you can not do that, in the future. Good luck!
Ditto to Sassafras' post.
There is no such thing as WANTING to do the right thing. There is doing and not doing. Choose what you want to be and be that. It's not that hard.
As for him, and understanding him, it's a waste of energy until you understand yourself. Find a counselor. Figure out why you're making choices that make you unhappy. Make better choices. The first of which should be to ignore him. Don't respond. Don't engage. The counteract is simply to remove this person from your life, from your thoughts and from your actions.
Don't worry about why. If someone came up and stabbed you with a knife, would understanding why make you bleed less?
It sounds to me like you're already in hell. Get some help and figure out a way to be happy. The things you're choosing now don't just hurt others (although, believe me, they do). They also do serious damage to you.
Good luck.
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