Before you read this I want people to remember that we are all human and please do not judge me.
I have been dating the same man on and off for 6.5years. We have had a lot of hurt and pain in our relationship, most of it caused my me. At the beginning of our relationship I cheated on him with my ex, I guess for a few reasons; He moved to Arizona and every single one of his friends were telling me that he was dating other women and there was no way that he could be in a long distance relationship with me and be faithful. Then my ex who I was in love with and never really got over the reason why we had broken up was back in my life telling me that he did want to be with me and so on, while my man is telling me that we are not really together and I remember once calling him on the phone and he told the girl he was with that I was just some girl from Oregon. Besides those points, we were dating and I lied and never told him what happened between the ex and I until I went down to help him move back to Oregon. We worked through this for so long, we would get back together, then break up because he did not trust me. During the breakups I kissed someone and he messed around with a friend of mine. He then decided that he was going to move back down to Phoenix and we broke up for good, or I thought. He was gone for six months, I dated a couple different guys and he dated other women. I was not dating anyone and he called me up out of the blue and asked me if I wanted to come visit him in Phoenix. I went down to visit and he asked me if I dated anyone and what happened physically. I told him who I dated but lied about what happened physically with them. He later found out and was really upset about me lying to him.He missed me and wanted to work it out, as did I so I moved to Phoenix to be with him and I worked to rebuild my trust. I ran his company and helped him everyday for three years, waiting for him to make a decision about marriage. Things started to get very stressful and VERY UNFUN. We broke up again but I was still helping with the business. I was looking for another job because the business was owed a lot of money and had to shut its doors. I found another job being a promotional model for a motor sports company and was offered a position to go to Lake Havasu. I had a very hard time trying to decide if I wanted to go or not. He did not think I should go because he thought I was going to get myself into trouble with guys. I said that I wouldn't that I would be strong and did not want to meet a guy. Well as soon as I got there I met someone who really started to hit on me, I put him off for a couple days and then started to fall for his lines. I guess I really thought that he liked me. I ended up getting fired for fraternizing with him. (making out), we hung out two more times. My ex got home from a trip to Mexico and came over to my house. He originally told me that he would never ask me what happened in Havasu. Well guess what he did the first day he saw me, asked me what happened in Havasu and guess what I did. Lied again! How come I am so stupid to make the same mistake again! I lied because I thought we were done and that it wasn't his business. He then proceeded to tell me that he wanted another chance and to get back together. Well I wasn't sure, told him I didn't know if I wanted to get back together but I would give him another chance to take me on dates. He took me out a few times and then a few weeks later invited me on his brothers boat, him and his brother got in a huge fight and kicked him out of his house. He ended up having to stay with me, I enjoyed having him around and decided that I did want to get back together. He needed to make some extra money and was given an opportunity to work in Oregon, so he headed up there about a month ago. When he got up there he was looking at pictures of Lake Havasu on the net and then asked me again if anything happened. Since we were now back together and I wanted to be honest, I told him. He said that he still loved me but was upset and we could talk the next day. Well I called a few times and nothing, never picked up my call. About a week later I was on the internet and found him on another girls top friends list and she had sent him a couple messages about wanting to see him. I always thought that they were just friends. I finally got him on the phone and we talked for a few hours every night and he said that he does forgive me and that he wants me to prove my trust and love but he is still going to date other women to see what is out there since I have lost my trust. Then I get text messages late at night about when he hangs out with other women he sees how much he loves me. I don't want him to date other women but what ground do I have to stand on to tell him no?
I just don't know what to do. I love him, I want to be with him. I just don't know if he will ever get over this hurt and stop making me pay.
I feel addicted to him, I don't want to be without him, it makes me sick to think of him with others I just don't know how long I should try or if I should even try. It has been years and things keep happening to us that cause issues in our relationship.
He is trying to start a business in Oregon and in Arizona so he is going to be traveling back and forth and dating both of us and whoever else...
Should I try, should I move on with me life? What would you do?
Just suck it all up. It doesn't need to be complicated. Just take everything and suck it all up.
There were some good times, but don't forget about the bad. They were all part of it. Just accept it all and make it all part of you. Suck it all up inside and hold it there; breathe with it.
Don't run yourself in circles thinking about what you could have done or what would make it better. Everything is fine. Things are all fine.
Breath it all down and realize it all happened for very specific reasons that you don't understand. Suck up that non understanding too. Let all of this settle in your gut like a stone, breath it down until it disappears.
All these memories are already part of you. Just accept it failed and realize why it did inside yourself. Just make your feelings tell you, let your body soak up its despair and find strength to more up and onwards.
Start to let the lightness of realization fill you up and use its buoyancy to carry you where you choose. Maybe for a walk around the block, or perhaps to your favorite iced cream shop?
Ultimately this sounds too complex for anyone but you to handle it. Its nice to discuss it and have things in the open, but to keep some things inside is better. Just hold whats special to you, along with everything else inside, held up by your body despite its crushing weight.
Your feelings about all these things are what weighs you down. Just let it roll. Roll right down to your feet. Use it all to climb up. Use it all as steps.