my 5 month relationship ended very badly 5 months ago. i know i "should" be over it, but this was my first relationship ever. And when we were together, it was fantastic. it was the end where things just exploded and she dumped me in a very horrible way. i still can't put it together, how who i thought was a sweet girl can do such a horrible thing.

i was moving along nicely (very very slowly). and then i made the mistake of contacting her. she wanted to get us so "we don't hate each other"...and i was weak and wanted to get back together, even though i KNOW deep down inside that she's not the right one.

and this is my problem. even though i know she's bad, i still want her. what the ****, right?! I know she's capable of being mean, punishing, manipulative, angry, will always hurt me, and she doesn't even want to get back together. it's probably because she's my first girlfriend, ever. but i still want her.

is it really as easy as "give it time?" because right now, i get panic attacks where i fear i won't find anyone. where i don't know what to do to start up a new relationship. i freak every time i think of another guy getting to kiss her and hug her (she's really good at all things intimate).

it's like i don't believe myself. one part of me says "she showed you who she is. she's someone who is willing to hurt someone she said she loves" but the rest of me is focusing on the good. the road trips, the cooking, the fantastic dates, the affection. not being able to believe myself is such a horrible feeling!

i don't know...i feel very lost...the thought that someone can say "i love you. you make me happier than i've ever been in my life. i like who i am when i'm around you. i'm scared of not being happy without you" and then turn around and treat me like crap...i just can't understand it.