It’s one of the toughest lessons we learn in life. How do you let go of another person you’ve loved, grown with, and had so many hopes and dreams wrapped into? It is a process. Here are some steps to think about as you move on, for good.
1. Recognize and remember why you are letting go. Was this person not interested in a long-term commitment? Were the two of you just too different? Did the person wrong you in some way? Don’t lose sight of the reason it ended. This is a valuable tool for the future and for anyone you decide to date next – as none of us want to repeat patterns. Working through all of this can take some time, but it is so worth it down the line.
2. If you can, cut off communication (and this includes de-friending on Facebook!). If you have children with this person, you will obviously need to maintain some sort of mature relationship. Otherwise, in 99% of cases it is best to just move on without trying to “remain friends.” It’s complicated and it just doesn’t work most of the time – unless you are completely not attracted to them anymore (nor them to you!). But the best thing you can do is to just make a clean break and avoid backsliding…and the pain that causes.
3. Fill the void. When you are used to spending most of your free moments with this person, it suddenly seems so lonely and you don’t know what to do with yourself. This too, shall pass, I promise! It just takes time. But in the meantime, start engaging and saying yes to offers from friends, family, etc. Keep busy, join a gym, do whatever – just don’t stay home feeling bad and thinking about the loss.
4. Start dating again! After you have had time to really understand why it didn’t work out, and adjusted to life on your own again, think about getting back out there (but only when you feel ready). Remember that dating doesn’t have to be all serious business – it can just be fun and a chance to meet new people. You deserve to be happy and have a good time. Plus, a new crush is a great way to continue the “letting go” process.
5. Let go of anger and appreciate what you have learned. The timing of this should coincide with the earlier steps. It doesn’t serve you to hold onto negative feelings, so forgive anyone who has wronged you, and yourself if you need to. We all make mistakes – the point is to learn and grow from them.
Have you been able to follow a similar process when letting go? What works best for you? Do you get stuck in a particular step? Would love to hear everyone’s experiences so we can all help each other!
Gian Gonzaga, Ph.D., Senior Director of Research & Development
Grant Langston, Senior Director of Content, eHarmony Advice
Jeannie Assimos, Managing Editor, eHarmony Advice
Erina Lee, Director, Senior Research Scientist
Heather Setrakian, MA, Researcher
Emily Maywood, MS, Researcher
Jonathan Beber, Researcher
Becky Teraoka, Corporate Communications
It’s been a little over a week since my boyfriend told me that he slept with his ex and was still and love with her and they were getting back together… I still find myself crying over the loss of the future we had planned, and I keep trying to de-friend him on facebook, but can’t quite bring myself to click the button. I joined eHarmony to remind myself there’s other fish in the sea, better fish that won’t cheat on me, but I’m not quite ready to go fishing yet.
Point to the button, close your eyes, and click it!! I did and I felt so relieved. It took away the temptation to look at his facebook page, and, at the same time took away his ability to look at mine too. He shouldn’t have the privilage of seeing what you are up to these days! Let him wonder!
Dont let this guy ruin your life by letting him be on your mind you are giving him power over your mind. the goal is to be free because the guy is not worth it if he cant keep his hands and other parts to himself. find a real man not a player little boy and do delete your friendship it will be a weight off your shoulder trust me i may be a guy but i have been hurt and cheated upon many times
What do you do when you are not ready to let go? When all you want is for your boyfriend to give you a second chance! My boyfriend just broke up with me yesterday because our relationship has been on the rocks and he doesn’t know what he wants in his future and I was pressuring him to figure it out when i should have been patient. He met with me and said he just doesn’t know and left me as I was asking him not to leave me. All I want is to take all the pushing back and tell him how much i love him. I don’t know how I am going to live with out him. I love him so much. I don’t want to let him go, I keep hoping that he will call and change his mind. Please any words of encouragement will help.
Im kinda going through the same thing. I keep getting told that you cant make someone love you, you have to let them go. If they dont see the mistake, its their loss.
My question is, what do you do when you are blindsided after a year of dating? I noticed my now ex was getting a little distant, when I asked her about it, whe said it was things from work on her mind. Obviously, she was still thinking of either how she was going to end it or if she really wanted to end it. She told me she loved me, then told me it was a front because she wanted to be there but just wasnt. She claims she just isnt ready for a long term relationship after being 3 year out of a 14 year marriage. I have taken the cold turkey approach, and took her off Facebook, both as friends and her pictures. A family member of mine is still friends with her and told me she has cut me out of her pictures in response to me taking hers down.
I am on step four and five of letting go. Its been a year since i ended my relationship of 8yrs. Its been a long process and i know i still and will always love the guy. Hopefully soon i can completely let go and move on.
Good luck out there.
It is so dam hard! My heart was broken the day after Thanksgiving. 4 months (I know it’s not that long) everything was perfect, not one fight, not one disagreement. An amazing 10 day trip to Lake Powell. Magical weekends together. It seemed like we were totally compatible. We talked so much about the things we loved about each other, about our future together, about our deepest hopes and dreams. We communicated openly and honestly. I was blindsided, devastated, my heart was shattered! Not only did I feel that I had lost the girl of my dreams, but also her dog that I really came to love and her daughter who I had also become close with. After meeting her parents at Thanksgiving and everything going great I was sure she was the one! That night the rejection started. The next day I’m told “I don’t think I can give you what you want.” All sorts of projections about me! No talk of we can work through this like we had discussed earlier in our relationship. She had told me that we could always work out any issues that came up because I was such a great guy. I wasn’t afraid to talk about my feeling openly and honestly. I listened to her feeling and I modeled vulnerability, trust and compassion. Now it’s over, no real reasons, just BS! Her tears and “I’m afraid I’ll never find another guy like you” and “I’m so proud of what you are doing with your life”. But it is over. I’ve worked past the sadness and sorrow. I don’t cry every day anymore. The empty feeling in my gut is gone. I stuck with my work out program. I’ve lost over 35 pound and I feel and look great! I’m back on my feet and meeting new women. I tell myself “Why would I want to be in a relationship with someone that can’t love me the way I deserve to be loved?” I got myself a rescue dog on New Year’s Eve. That has helped. My counselor helped me a great deal, telling me that she hit an emotional wall, got scared and freaked out! Telling me to stay away from her! No contact! She made a huge mistake and it is best for me to let her go, to let go of the past and to move on…
Two month later I have met someone new and it looks very promising. I’m taking it slow. I’m being totally open and honest with her. I let her know that I have feeling for her but I’m scared because I still feel wounded. She understands and agrees that slow is best right now. She has told me that she see something truly special in me and the way I can openly express my feelings. I’m focused on the future, the hope and the faith I have that everything will work out and that the X was not the right one for me. Her loss! Hang tough, it is an abundant world and there is someone better out there for you!
The bottom line is, it is very hard to let go know matter who you are, male or female. We’ve all been broken up with, we’ve all done the breaking up. Whatever the reasons, good or bad it is a part of life and relationships. I was with my last long-term gf for almost 7 years, until it ran it’s course and we both had to make a mature decision and let it all go. Both of us were not happy at doing this but we were mature enough to realize that carrying on trying to sort through our lives together was not the best option. We had to be true to ourselves and each other and end it. Like every ending of a relationship, the “rip it off like a bandage”, approach really is hard to implement. We remained in contact, sleeping together, more or less for comfort and in the back of my mind I knew she was using me until she found another person to take care of her and treat her like I did. I was right. Did I get upset? Of course, I’m human and the ” I told you so’s”, in my head were well warranted. But after moving away within a few short months to pursue a better career life in the city, and to gain some mental clarity and attempt to shake off the pas, I realized in a saddened state one day that the old idiom is true. If you spend all of your time sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, dwelling on the past, trying to make sense of what happened. Over analyzing your scenario until the point of total mental collapse, you WILL pick your head up one day look around and realize you’re a lot older then when you started into this depressive state and that the time you’ve wasted is completely lost! Life is way to short to sit around and think about the Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda’s.
100% of the time, your life will get even better than before once you meet another person that fits you. You just have to let it happen and get over the past. You have so much more to offer to the right person.
Am I still single? Yes, but in a better place now than before. Once you decide to let it all go and REALLY focus on your life in ALL areas, regardless of how hard it is. You will be happier than you’ve ever imagined. Everything falls into place, including the right person.
Oh ya, forgiveness is a key factor. Sounds funny, but if you forgive, you forget.
And cleaning out the broom closet of all the old pictures and mutual friends and FB links, only helps your situation immensely!