In the classic movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” George Bailey tells the love of his life that he’d lasso the moon for her. Typically, partners demonstrate their love for each other by (among many things) making and keeping promises in the relationship. George’s offer is good for wooing, but there would be no way that he could ever live up to his promise. Should Mary have thought that George’s love was insincere just because his promise was overly ambitious?
Of course not- although George benefits from us watching the rest of the movie. Promises from loved ones come in all shapes- from nebulous ones about general behavior “I promise I’ll be nicer to your mother,” to concrete and specific tasks “I promise to call you on Friday,” and grand gestures “I’ll move across the country for you!” Romantic promises have the instant benefit of making one feel like the other truly loves and cares for them. One who is promised something gets an instant boost of positive feelings, and if that promise is kept the relationship is often strengthened. The risk is what happens when that promise is not fulfilled, or flat out broken. We have all come in contact with people who promise something with all the love and authenticity in their heart, and then completely forget about it the very next day. What gives?
In the context of relationships, people tend to let their feelings get the better of them when it comes to promising. Research shows that people who feel most for their partner make promises more often and with more ambition, but are not any better at keeping them. The feelings direct the motivation and the size of the promise (i.e., the more love they felt, the more ambitious the promise became), but not the follow-through. George’s promise to lasso the moon indicates that he really loves Mary; making grand gestures to secure her love in return. In reality, this may look like your partner promising to pick up the dry cleaning, get groceries, and deposit those checks all before returning home. However, once a promise is said, it’s really willpower that steers the behavior.
People in love often lead with their feelings but not their follow-through. There might be an expectation of an ambitious and purposefully difficult promise in order to prove that love. While everyone might be good at feeling love and a desire to please their partner, not everyone is good at time management (love may make the promise, but willpower keeps it). Promises are comprised of two parts: verbal intent and task completion. If someone is good at being responsive but not great with self-discipline they may not be able to fulfill their promises. In other words a person sincerely full of love might frequently over-promise and under-deliver. In a strange way, those that feel more for their partner might actually let them down and endanger the relationship more often.
What this means is that one cannot judge their partner’s love necessarily based on their ability to fulfill promises. In fact, it may be the case that your partner’s love may be fueling your partner to over-promise and let you down. Well-meaning individuals typically promise more to their romantic other than what they can actually complete.
How have loved ones broken promises (both big and small)? Were you able to give them the benefit of the doubt or did it erode your relationship?
Gian Gonzaga, Ph.D., Senior Director of Research & Development
Grant Langston, Senior Director of Content, eHarmony Advice
Jeannie Assimos, Managing Editor, eHarmony Advice
Erina Lee, Director, Senior Research Scientist
Heather Setrakian, MA, Researcher
Emily Maywood, MS, Researcher
Jonathan Beber, Researcher
Becky Teraoka, Corporate Communications
Okay, I’m of the midset that people will do what they want, and they prioritize their lives by what is important to them. In the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” it was said (paraphrased by me)if a guy is into you he will make it known. He will do things to let you knopw that he is into you. So, if he promises to do things and doesn’t, are we not to believe that he is then not into us? Or are we supposed to think that when he doesn’t do things he promises then he loves us more? We’ve been taught (by experiences and elders that guys will do nice things for people they like (buy flowers, pick up the groceries, take out the trash, etc)…if there is nothing tangible being done, why stay in the relationship?
i agree 110% adrienne!!!
recently, i found myself dating 2 guys (unexpectedly, of course). while the second guy i met promised me the moon and the stars, it was the first guy whose actions proved that HE was the one who wanted me. and of course, my response was accordingly. i’ve let guy #2 become my runner up when i originally thought he was going to be my knight in shining armor…but what knight promises the moon and stars and then ignores you for a week?? excuses!!!
so the lesson i learned from my last relationship–which i brought into these ones, is that ‘actions really DO speak louder than words’!!!
DON’T FORGET IT LADIES!!!
I agree! You can’t build trust in a relationship on broken promises. A person of integrity should say what they mean & mean what they say. With that said no one is perfect and we all get busy & forget, but when this is the norm not the exception I’m with the book/movie and say he’s just not that into you.
My first response was, “this is such a crappy article”! There is a big difference between George promising his gal he will lasso the moon (which they both know he cannot do, but sounds quite charming)- to a guy who promises to help with errands, housecleaning, or even getting a job but doesn’t follow through. Really! If he is that selfish or/that much of a flake that he is undependable in the important smaller and/or everyday things, why should I trust him with the bigger more important things like my heart? He is certainly not relationship material! I’m really surprised that eharmony would publish something this vacuous.
I agree with Adrienne
I have never blogged before! i felt compelled to share my feelings that the above description of intention vs. ability to deliver is so “right-on”. After 27 years i lost my husband and he was the most loving person ever…but could not / did not have the “self-discipline” or ability to deliver. i was so frequently disappointed as was he when he realized he had not “come through”. he had major problems with time-management that interfered with all of his sincere good intentions. why stay in the relationship?? because it was his intention (the promises) that were so honest and i forgave him his “weaknesses” in delivery. i am not sorry.
i just ended a relationship with a man who constantly flaked out on me, but was constantly telling me how much he really liked me and wanted a real, serious relationship with me. you can’t have a relationship with someone if you never show up to plans you initiated and invited me to! after the final time he stood me up i bailed on him altogether. it’s beyond rude to promise to meet someone somewhere in 2 hrs, tell them you’re on your way, then never show up, and when confronted about this behavior insist i’m the one who needs to be more flexible. there was no excuse for not showing up. there never is. he just doesn’t feel like going afterall, and doesn’t even bother to me he’s not going to meet me. he leaves me wondering where he is, and when i contact him says he decided not to go. no apology, no excuse for why, and no attempt to let me know he wasn’t coming so i end up standing around waiting on him. RUDE! that is beyond rude. with all his verbal claims of being so strongly attracted to me and liking me so much and wanting something real with me, he never delivered on his promises to simply show up when he made plans with me. this immature, selfish, and rude behavior is not tolerable in relationships. no matter how much he said with his words that he liked me and wanted a serious relationship with me, and promised to hang out, his actions proved he wasn’t legit. women, don’t tolerate flaky men! make sure they know your time is too valuable for their selfishness and rudeness!
I would rather be with someone who didn’t make a lot of promises that I am pretty sure won’t be kept, and have him just be good to me, do sweet things because he is moved to because he loves me & wants me to be happy, and is happy being loved by me. I’ve been with men who said “I love you” all the time, but seemed otherwise incapable of showing it. And with men who promised to be there for me, etc., etc., and are now gone because they couldn’t be there in any real way. Just shut up & love me already!