I just thought of this dating don’t. I hope I can spare some of you from this situation, if you haven’t already experienced it.
Let’s say you have been dating someone for many months, and you think he/she may be the one. Naturally, this person will do things that really upset you from time to time. A knee-jerk reaction for many of us is to run to our closest friends and tell them every single annoying detail.
I am here to stay – stop, and proceed with caution.
Yes, it is great to have friends as sounding boards. But remember, these confidantes are going to store all of these occurrences and complaints in their memory banks. The best thing I think you can do is to wait a few days before sharing the annoying thing your partner did. Why? Because reacting on emotional impulse isn’t always the best plan.
You can’t take the information back. Your friends might start getting a negative impression of your partner, when it isn’t warranted. They also might share their opinions about your partner, which gets real awkward when things return to their former happy state in your relationship.
Plus, if you are always venting to your pals about your partner, you might not have the energy left to talk to the one person who needs to hear it most – the beloved culprit! So talk to your friends when necessary, but really think about the information you are sharing first – and give it a few days.
Have you done this – shared too much with friends and regretted it?
Gian Gonzaga, Ph.D., Senior Director of Research & Development
Grant Langston, Senior Director of Content, eHarmony Advice
Jeannie Assimos, Managing Editor, eHarmony Advice
Erina Lee, Director, Senior Research Scientist
Heather Setrakian, MA, Researcher
Emily Maywood, MS, Researcher
Jonathan Beber, Researcher
Becky Teraoka, Corporate Communications
This is absolutely true. My ex-girlfriend shared too much of our problems with another guy, to the point where it was totally insulting she was talking to him about it rather than me. Yes, sounding boards are great, but if you can’t work out your issues between yourselves, you don’t belong in that relationship.
Excellent advice. Sadly 99% of women will ignore it and continue to do what they always do over the coffee cups. To my mind the only thing worse than this is being thrust into the girl’s social circle as “the item” when you haven’t yet decided if you want to be an item. Ralph’s comment was right on the money.
I agree, I found myself withholding things from my significant other when I realized she was sharing our personal lives with others and wouldn’t stop. It ruined our relationship.
If that ruined your relationship you clearly felt you had something to hide… The only person I’ve ever been in a relationship with who minded friends or family being told about our life together was an addict- when someone doesn’t like their own behavior they really hate having a light shined upon it by or to anyone. So I ask, what have you got to hide?
ouch!
having something to hide and wanting privacy regarding potentially intimate issues are not the same things.
best not to complain about a partner to friends except perhaps innocuous venting. if something serious is bothering you and you cannot resolve it with the person then it’s likely time to move on to someone more compatible.
I agree with you 100%. women share to bond, vent and move on. WE know that. if men dont- thats something THEY need to work on. Like Lesson said, I too, find that the only pl that dont want you to talk to your friends or family, are those ppl who are behaving badly and dont want that light shining on them, letting the world see them behaing badly, when really, if they were treating ppl properly- me telling the world about it ( not just my best friend) would do NOTHING to make my partner look bad. Be transparent. hide nothing. or- you will get what you give.
Being able to provide your partner a safe place to share his/her most intimate thoughts and feelings with you without feeling the need to share those intimacies with others strengthens the bond between you and is a sign of maturity in a relationship. You are in relationship with one person – that’s why the Good Book says that a man will leave home and and become one with his wife and vice versa as in “cleave one unto the other” — not to the in-laws or best buds. Though that is in religious context and refers to marriage, it is still great romantic relationship advice. I would be mortified if my boyfriend told his friends my most tightly held feelings [and they are not drug or crime-related] – just things I would want him to honor in recognition of his regard for me and our relationship.
Not so. Communication between the couple is what will cement the relationship. Telling others only fractures the foundation for communicating when one partner realizes everything discussed will be re-broadcast to others, who then will be expressing their opinions when they’re not even involved and its none of their business!
Good for you. You deserve better.
I learned this a little early in my relationship Path. But trust me, guys do it too! All I can say is if you can’t talk with your partner then you shouldn’t be with them.
I’m more of the suffer in silence type. If he’s someone I just met, I tend to tell details, but if I’m actually in a relationship, I’m quiet about it.
I have found this to be true of guys that I have dated. They talk to their friends and make snap decisions. I haven’t been guilt of this. Most of my friends accuse me of letting go of guys for trivial reasons until they learn that I keep everything private until I know for sure what needs to be done about the relationship. I guess female friends want to be included and live vicariously through their peers and we also feel indulged to cultivate that bond.
I agree with Mel. Women are expected to gossip – I do not like it. However, generally speaking, I find that men talk as much if not more than women. What further compounds the male side of the issue is that due to the posturing that accompanies the “guy talk”, I’ve seen male friends put themselves into untenable positions where they have liked the girl, but felt they’ve had to leave to maintain their pride among friends and/or family. Insightful article.
I love Julie so much, that I don’t care if someone doesn’t like me or Julie. All of my friends and family have accepted Julie. I just don’t understand why a guy would leave the woman he loves if his family or a certain friend doesn’t like his girlfriend.
I’ve actually been the friend in this situation many times. In one instance it ruined our friendship because of her serious issues with her fiancé that she wouldn’t talk to him about. In the end I told her if he was making her this unhappy than she should dump him. They are now married and she’s pregnant. Lesson learned: no one really knows what is happening in a relationship other than the 2 people that are in it. Therefore communication should stay between the two of them.
I think this is true 2 a certain extend HOWEVER some of us need a sounding board that is a reality based check point….so things men do (as well as women) do and u “literally” suffer in silence is unacceptable. Maybe if u had a friend 2 jog your memory it will help u focus on the fact that it wasn’t meant 2 b in the 1st place.
I can honnestly Say that I never discuss my issues with my girlfriends while I’m in a relationship. Like Mel, I wait until I have made a decision before talking about it.
To my girlfriends, my serious relationships seemed perfect. Whenever I had a problem with my man, we would discuss it.
I agree with the article though, because I know many of my girlfriends talk about every little details of their relationships… BUT MOST GUYS ARE GUILTY OF DOING THE SAME THING TOO!
You may not be guilty of sharing secrets, but the biggest turnoff for a lot of people is ignorance and a carefree attitude to minor mistakes, and that you certainly are GUILT of. Also, how would your friends even think they are trivial things if you haven’t shared them? What you think as trivial, might be a huge deal to others, best not to share at all.
Spot on. And I’ve had guys do this to me too, so it’s not a gender thing.
I am a very private person and dated a guy once who would post on his facebook page when we were having a problem and would ask his “friends” publicly on there how he should deal with it. It didn’t last long.
Men do this too. My last guy LOVED telling his friends and family about anything that happened between us. I got sick of it and him.
Do not share anything about your guy at all! I learned the hard way! I shared some good information about my guy to gals I thought were friends and one of them ended up hitting on my guy.
In another instance, I trusted a friend who knew both of us and found out she was playing the fence with him and me only she turned out to be more of a friend to him than me. Both situations were not good at all for me……………..especially after the fact.
If you need to speak to friends make sure its the wise friends some of our friends do not need to know your romantic business cos they cannot keep their mouths shut or not in the right frame of mind to give good advice. N ever tell a women or man that has just ended their own relationship or is going thru a all man/woman are dogs journey when you have trouble. Sometimse misery loves company and telling you to love your S.O when its not necessay might the only thing they have to say. Some things are on a need to know basis and everyone you know does not need to know.
There’s a great song by Sippie Wallace that sums it up:
Women be wise,
keep your mouth shut,
don’t advertise your man!
I am the logical friend that many of my friends, female and male come to and I’ve also learned from the being in a relationship side.
I had a friend who is in an unhealthy relationship and I’ve been telling her to get out of it because he’s sucking her dry mentally, financially, and emotionally and he guilts her because of reasons that a lot of you are saying. Like she shouldn’t be telling me about how she is a student but has paid for his rent, meals and groceries for him and his roommate multiple times.
All I can say is, there’s a time and place for everything. If you know that you’re not susceptible to unhealthy relationships then yes you should hold back on telling EVERYTHING to a confidante.
Why is this called “Dating Don’t for Women…” … this is a dating don’t for men too; and to be honest some of my male friends do the most gossip-complaining about their significant others than any of the women I know.
This is so true. In the past I use to vent to my frens about my boyfren, then my boyfren & I would work things out. But the problem would be my frens look & him in a negative lite & didn’t want him 2 hang around them anymore. Also, men don’t like it when u share their business with frens. It’s a turn off. Don’t do it. Keep ur issues between the 2 of u.
I agree with many women here stating guys gossip more then women.
They have no boundaries when it comes to gossip, guys being so competitive, they share all the wrong things. We do too.
The point is, address the issue with the person themselves. It becomes a disloyalty to the relationship when you share with others.
I went the other way, boasting about my guy’s ‘talents’ with a childhood ‘friend’ I thought I could trust!
She decide to ‘sample’ my guy. There goes the ‘friendship’ and the guy!
It was a one night stand for them, and a life time lesson for me.
We women have to find ‘Men’.
There is a difference between a ‘guy’ and a Man…, Maturity, Respect, Integrity and Honor.
I learned the hard way.
I am SO guilty of this!! I came from a background of “Shout it to the mountain!” and I have a very bad habit that
I am continuing to work on, to try and break this nasty cycle.
It ends up being completely awkward when “things get better”. It also adversely affects your relationship due to the focus on negativity, rather than the gifts one has. If the bad outweighs the good during dating, then just get out and let your friends know, without explicit details in most cases, why. If you choose to stay in it, despite the bad outweighing the good, then you need to button up, as you are making the choice to stay despite the unhealthiness. Chances are you need to seek counsel to find out why you’re staying in something that isn’t good for you.
I end up talking to my guy, or writing him, about my issues; but I definitely agree it should mostly be kept between you two. Everyone encounters life’s struggles, and I can be just as difficult to be around.
My guy is very private, and I feel guilty when I’ve shared things with my friends that I know he would cringe at. That also silently works against us.
There is no magic formula to relationships, no matter what kind they are. We hopefully learn from our mistakes, become stronger and strive to get along. Life is work, but choosing to stay in the game, not give up, is what we all want for each other, and ourselves.
This is the worst things women do. We need to keep our mouths shut. Just because you forgive him and move on, doesn’t mean your family/friends will too.
I learned this early on. I now know who and what to say when it’s OK to say it.
Yes this has certainly happened to me and this is very very good advice. In fact I will never air my grievances again to “friends”. I had a a very bad experience with the so called friend later. Turns out she herself is really unstable and my stuff really disturbed her I think. If you are having problems in a relationship its best to seek counseling, unfortunately friends have their own problems and can rarely really help the situations anyway. Unless you really know this person and they can handle your problems its best to seek expert help.