Settling for someone who lacks the important (must-have) qualities you are looking for is a bad idea for many reasons. I completely get why people do it, but it is sort of like putting a band aid on something – eventually you may have to rip it off. I believe many of us do this to avoid the perceived unhappiness and fear of being alone, and eventually find that we are discontented anyways — in an unfulfilling relationship.
Here are some reminders of why you should never settle:
1. You are unavailable to meet the right person if your energy is going into a subpar relationship.
2. You will actually be happier on your own in the long run, believe it or not, than if you stay with this person.
3. Life is not a dress rehearsal, so why waste it with someone who isn’t as amazing as you are?
4. Don’t let fear of the unknown drive your decisions.
5. A lack of confidence in someone is an added burden when going through life’s challenging times.
6. Your incompatibilities will eventually become a constant irritant (not a fun way to live, and it’s not good for you either).
7. You run the risk of losing your joy and becoming emotionally drained in a stressful situation.
Now on the flip side, my insightful colleague Grant Langston did bring up a good point, telling me that sometimes singles looking for love have such a lengthy list of must-haves that they aren’t realistic and may never meet a person who will live up to those standards. I think if you narrow it down to ten important character/value traits, and let a lot of the other things go, you will be doing pretty well.
Have you ever settled for someone … and regretted it?
Gian Gonzaga, Ph.D., Senior Director of Research & Development
Grant Langston, Senior Director of Content, eHarmony Advice
Jeannie Assimos, Managing Editor, eHarmony Advice
Erina Lee, Director, Senior Research Scientist
Heather Setrakian, MA, Researcher
Emily Maywood, MS, Researcher
Jonathan Beber, Researcher
Becky Teraoka, Corporate Communications
Thank you. I appreciate the reply. I want to clarify that masturbating is not what shocked me. It’s the fact that it’s replaced being with me completely that is so hurtful. Where I would much rather be with him than masturbate; apparently he’d much rather be with himself and some fantasy that’s not me. That hurts.
With regard to the pornography- he’s a very honest person; and I’m surprised at how long it took for the truth to come out. For 3 years, I’m thinking his sex drive is gone; and now all of a sudden I must deal with the reality that his sex drive is alive and well (sometimes masturbating every day); but not with me. It’s a tough pill to swallow.
In reading up on this, I came across the book “Every Man’s Battle”. I ordered it for me to understand things better. In conversation, he tells me a friend mentioned it to him and he was going to order it. When I told him I ordered it; he decided he’d just read mine. I gave it to him 2 weeks ago. He hasn’t read it yet. He hasn’t picked it up.
I’m open to couples therapy; but when he won’t even pick up a book that might help- it makes me want to throw in the towel. I can’t be the only one “working” on us, for us. He’s initiated a Christian couples retreat thing for us this weekend. I’ll participate fully cooperating with him on it- but why can’t he participate in something important to me? (reading the book). It needs to be a two-way street.