Imagine if you will an amazing first date. You’ve spent 5 hours together and the conversation has flowed effortlessly. You planned to just meet for late afternoon coffee, but the evening just took off. You went to dinner, and now you’re taking a stroll through a beautiful green park on a warm spring night. Before you know it, you’re arm in arm and laughing together. Wow, you haven’t felt this way in a long time. You stop to catch your breath. Your date leans over without a word to give you a kiss, and you…
Put your hand up and say, “Hey, I’m sorry. I never kiss on the first date.”
Really? Would you derail a night of romance and connection with a policy like this? I know some people, and yes it’s mostly women, just have a life policy of NO FIRST DATE KISSES. No matter what! It seems a little odd to me, and so I’m interested in hearing from you. Why? Are you worried that a kiss will lead to a premature act of intimacy? Are you afraid of giving the wrong impression? (Like perhaps that you enjoy kissing) What is it about a romantic smooch that makes you adopt such a hard line?
I would REALLY love to hear from a man who has such a policy.
And if you happen to be on a date with someone who says such a thing how does that affect your attraction? Do you just move on with the knowledge that a second date is around the corner? I know a man who went a date with a woman who told him, “I’ve had a great time tonight. I just won’t kiss you on the first date.” He said, “Okay, Have a nice evening. I’ll call you.” He drove away from the restaurant, immediately called her on his mobile phone, and said, “Are you free tonight?” He drove around the block picked her up, said, “Happy 2nd date!” and she happily kissed him. Is that cheating?
Gian Gonzaga, Ph.D., Senior Director of Research & Development
Grant Langston, Senior Director of Content, eHarmony Advice
Jeannie Assimos, Managing Editor, eHarmony Advice
Erina Lee, Director, Senior Research Scientist
Heather Setrakian, MA, Researcher
Emily Maywood, MS, Researcher
Jonathan Beber, Researcher
Becky Teraoka, Corporate Communications
On occasion (obviously not apparent in this particular venue), there will be those who refrain from kissing on a first date due to religious convictions. Depending on one’s beliefs, the kissing may not take place until long after the relationship is under way, perhaps until marriage. While many people in the Western culture would think this odd, it’s highly surprising it does not even occur to either the author of this article nor any of the respondents prior to this entry.
Thank you, Keren…thank you.
Precisely! Not kissing has nothing to do with the number of dates and everything to do with the fact that such a gesture should be reserved for someone you feel has great potential to be the one you kiss for the rest of your life. It’s about being patient and waiting on God’s timing. In addition, the reason women may have this “rule” more than men is because women tend to attach more emotion to physical intimacy than men. To a man, a kiss is probably just a kiss, but to a woman, she’s more likely to give her heart away in that moment.
My view is this:No matter how good the date, homeboy is still a stranger. Yes, we’ve had many conversations prior to the date and it SEEMS like we know each other, but we really don’t. It’s sounds romantic to let yourself get swept away in the moment, but you should be thinking with your head. Personally, I would be turned off if a first date tried to kiss me.
I agree with you 100%!!! It’s so strange but the person you think you know so well those first few hours was (and still is) a total stranger just a few hours ago!
This situation happened to me last night. I met up with a guy I’d been emailing with for a few weeks and we had a good evening and then when we said goodbye, I was just going to give him a hug and it ended up in kind of a wrestle and he was trying to kiss me. I actually had to let go, back away and say: sorry, don’t kiss on a first date. He actually was like: “Why?” Some people might say I’m being ridiculous, but I do think the whole online dating thing creates this false sense of closeness.
The last 3 times I’ve met people in person, there are these expectations that weren’t there when I just dated people I met through friends. To me, the whole situation last night felt like an instant relationship and I don’t think I’m comfortable with that. He came across as desperate and really, he doesn’t know THAT much about me. It was just a major turnoff. I’m not a monster, damaged or high maintenance. I didn’t kiss my last boyfriend on our first date either, and I think it was a good thing.
I am being cautious and slow about this process. I’m looking for a life partner, not another friend.
It’s pretty obvious if there is chemistry. That doesn’t mean I will or will not kiss on the first date, if I do it’s just a smooch.
I need time later to recall who this person really was. There is a difference between chemistry and true compatability.
A kiss on the first date. Yeah why not. It’s good to know if he is a good kisser. Important to me. Just cause you kiss someone doesn’t mean your going to necessarily get serious. Just means you liked them. I don’t believe in premarital sex. That’s probably the mistake I made with my ex of 34 years. I didn’t think things thru. I do have 3 wonderful, successful children, so it wasn’t all bad.
HSV 1 or 2.
No cold sores doesn’t mean no viral shed, and I doubt most people discuss this on a first date.
As a microbiologist, I can’t tell you how glad I am that someone else shares my concerns!
“no first date kiss” rule makes about as much sense as the “third date sex” rule. When the time is right, the time is right. Throw these stupid rules out, and if the situation warrants, TAKE THE RISK. How many potential relationships never happened because one party didn’t want to take a chance? A kiss is a kiss, not a lifelong commitment.
Besides, there are kisses, and then there are kisses. A quick good night kiss is a nice way to end a good date. It gives you both something to think about (and the little endorphin rush is nice, too). If you don’t feel comfortable with this, a good-night hug at least leaves open future possibilities. If there is an instant passionate connection, a real makeout session (or more) is OK, if that is what makes you happy. Will it work out in the end? Who knows? But in my eye, it’s always better to take the chance and live life, than try and over protect yourself. It’s honest and real, and nothing to be ashamed of. Of course, there are no obligations to go further than you feel comfortable (remember, we threw the rules out); and taking it slow is ok if that is what feels right.
Personally, I expect some physical contact on a first date; even if it is nothing more than holding hands or a hug or something. Without, I feel my enthusiasm drop, as it is hard to be interested about someone who doesn’t seem interested in return. For just conversation, I have more friends than I know what to do with. I’m looking for something more. And time is too precious to spend wooing a girl who doesn’t seem interested in being wooed.
If I kissed everybody that I wanted to kiss….I associate kissing with sexuality, and not dating.
Thats right
I agree! If you feel its right than its right! I personally am a huger. I hug everyone when i meet them and when i say goodbye. Why do i need to change because of these “social rules”?
Be yourself and stop with making/following these unwritten rules!
I’m one of the guys who has a no first date kiss policy, but not because I’m a prude or afraid of viral shed.
Quite by accident, I discovered after one first date without attempting to kiss my date more intimately than on the cheek, her insecurity made her more interested in having a second date! I found out that she was so surprised I didn’t kiss her, she thought I found her unattractive. The truth was, I wasn’t sure if she was interested, so I opted for the gentlemanly approach.
Since then, I’ve realized that first dates with kisses had less second and third dates to follow. Apparently, women seem to want to prove their attractiveness more than they want a man to seem eager right away.
My conclusion is, even if you think she might be the woman for you right away, it’s better if she doesn’t know you think so.
My opinion…being just a little mysterious (but not too much) about your attraction to her will generally have her asking herself more questions about how you felt about her, than how she feels about you. If she knows you’re hot for her, she has her mind free to decide whether or not she’s really into you.
On the second date…make sure you kiss her! It’ll be a relief to her to know you’re into her, and then you have a better shot at seeing more of her in the future. Once she has the validation, she is more open to getting to know you.
I don’t want to kiss on a first date for a variety of reasons. One, I consider kisses for serious relationships only, and get turned off by guys who say things like, “It’s just a kiss? What’s the big deal?” If a kiss isn’t such a big deal to the guy, then I don’t want him to bother. Being pushed in any way also is a huge turnoff, and having a no first date kiss policy weeds out those who are selfish and impatient. It has nothing to do with not enjoying kisses, I am perfectly willing to inform a date that I do enjoy kissing at an appropriate point in the relationship. I don’t think it’s good that the communication should be based on physical signs of affection and attraction. They are simply unreliable, since a kiss can mean a lot of different things to different people. Also, the other person is still a stranger, and you don’t even know if they are interested in another date or not. I don’t know myself whether or not I want a second date with a man until I go home and think about it when I am alone. Not kissing on a first date does NOT mean (at least for me) that I am not attracted to the other person or capable of being attracted once I get to know them better, so I wish men would quit assuming that I’m not attracted to them or not a passionate type just because I don’t want to kiss on the first date.
Exactly, Karen! If a man doesn’t take something as intimate as a kiss seriously, guess what other things he won’t take seriously – sex, your relationship, and YOU. Look at it this way – hookers don’t even kiss their johns because it’s deemed too intimate!
One thing that I have seen is that men are turned on by what they see and women by touch. Men and women are totally different. So a kiss may not mean much to the man but has a totally different effect on the woman. Men really do not know how the woman feels when touched and woman do not understand what men feel by site. Each think that the other responds the same way they do. That is why women dress sexy but wonder why men are looking at them (they are probably trying to be fashionable and are actually dressing to impress other women with their fashion sense and do not realize what they are doing to the men).
Karen, I agree wholeheartedly. It’s a first date, for goodness’ sake! If “this” is anything of substance, there’s plenty of time for kissing as the relationship progresses. And, if we aren’t connecting in other ways, why would I want to connect with a man in this way? Deviating from what’s expected does not render me a deviant. I prefer kissing (and all intimacy) to be reserved for more than, “hey, you’re kinda cute and we’ve known each other for three hours.” Our society has cheapened kissing, cheapened intimacy… I choose not to. Also, I can quickly see whether a man is more focused on his own desires than on my beliefs and comfort level. If he puts himself first on a first date, that’s unlikely to change.
When I was young, about 30 years ago, I can’t remember any date I didn’t kiss on the first date, and there were great dates to follow. Now that I read all this it makes me wonder about the issue. I have never had a girl/ young lady upset with me. I don’t know if it is me, or my location or what, and I kind of thought I was expected to if the date went well.
It’s called becoming friends first. You can’t have a successful relationship based on passion first and friendship second, and last I checked, friends don’t make out five hours after they meet each other.
This might sound funny. I was chatting a guy up one day. He looked like he wanted to kiss me, and I wanted to kiss him, but I had to refrain myself.
I was not dating him.
I kiss the guys I like. I don’t kiss the guys I don’t like. A good first date is a huge rarity for me, so while I have no expectations either way, I’m definitely up for a goodnight kiss when it happens.
I frankly can’t think of a 2nd date that I ever had after NOT having a first date kiss. If the chemistry isn’t there for a kiss, it’s certainly not there for a 2nd date, and anyone with a firm policy of no first dates isn’t for me anyway.
I don’t kiss on the first date. To me it is a very intimate act and reality is, I *do not know* this person. Having a guy get pushy with me to get a kiss is intimidating. I am a woman, and in some ways this *does* make me more vulnerable when it comes to all things physical.
I guess I would like guys to consider, “Would you want a guy getting pushy with your sister?” Think about it from that perspective. I guess I am an “old fashioned person” because even though I am capable and independent, I do believe that a guy is the protector. I don’t feel safe if you are getting pushy with me. Does not wanting to kiss on the first date mean that I am not passionate? Absolutely not. I *love* to kiss. I just don’t want to kiss someone I don’t know.
definitely no. If I feel like it, I will, if I don’t, and the girl does, I will let her kiss me. Hey, Jacob kissed Rachel before they knew each other (read the story in Genesis). Romance is a wonderful thing, it’s too bad so many people try to destroy it, or like they say, “nip it in the bud.” There are much worse things to do on(or to) a date, you know.
Then again, there are those people who will do ANYTHING for a kiss, just to get a kiss from some “handsome” or “beautiful” stranger, for its own sake. If there’s no connection, or chemistry, or romance, forget it. i.e. Cardboard is not the best thing to kiss, in other words, if your connection is dry as a bone, it’s time to say “next!”
My policy is to go with the flow. If things are going well and I know I want to see him again, he gets a kiss (assuming he wants one). If they’re not going well or I’m not sure how I feel, then I’m not likely to kiss. I will almost always give a brief hug after a first date, even if I’m not up for a kiss. I just think it’s a nice way to end the date (unless he was awful).
That said, there are different kinds of kisses and to me a first date kiss is a closed mouth kiss. Also, I would be put off by a guy who was pushy about it.
Life is too short for strict rules. You never know what may happen…take a chance!
Just for the record, I’m sixty-one years old and happily involved with a man who didn’t try to kiss me on our first date, but did hold my hand across the table…and I almost never hold hands on a first date!
In most cases, I am not going to go out with a man or meet someone that I do not know a bit about or am interested in. I will know for the most part early on if I want to kiss him. I can also gauge how soon the date needs to be over with. If I am enjoying myself I will be more open to spending more time with him. I guard my safety and often do several things to check them out. Sexuality is an important factor in a relationship for me and some older men just ARE not! I am 60 years old, feel and look much younger.
cough, cough
“do you have a cold?” he said
“yes”
“I’m not kissing you,”
“You always kiss the girl on your first date?”
“I always try.”
I didn’t kiss him on the first date only because I couldn’t. We couldn’t wait to see each other again and he was definitely worth the wait.
I know within the first five minutes whether my date’s kissable or not. If I have to wait for the third date to kiss, it’s too late- you’re already in the “friend” category.
Bottom line- I have very few rules when it comes to having fun.