“I look for new things to try, I look forward to being able to travel when I finish college, I have the most amazing little boy, I have a southern drawl I cannot get rid of, my best friends and I have just as much fun as our kids on our play dates...and I love to meet new people. =)”
Nearly every Hollywood romantic comedy hinges on a dramatic moment when a couple finally must “define the relationship.” Imagine the scene where one lover boards an airplane intending to leave the other forever -- only to remain standing on the tarmac as the plane takes off. “I couldn’t leave,” the fellow coos. “We were meant to be together.”
In real life, however, endings usually are not quite so predictable—and that’s where “the talk” comes in. The define-the-relationship discussion involves questions such as, “Are we ‘just friends’ or more than that? Are we dating exclusively or is our relationship just casual? What exactly is the level of our commitment to each other?”
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Having this kind of discussion can seem risky because we don't want to appear pushy and scare off the other person. If you have begun to feel strongly about the individual you are dating, asking if he or she shares your feelings can be a frightening moment of truth. Ponder these tips:
Broach the issue clearly and forthrightly. It’s probably too vague to ask, “So where do we stand in this relationship?” And it might put your date on the spot. Be as direct as possible. Chances are you want to know if you’ve crossed the boundary from “going out informally” to “dating exclusively.” If you feel ready to stop dating other people, that is an appropriate time to ask if your partner is ready to do the same.
Ask in the right place. Probing each other's feelings can be intense, so be sensitive about when and where you talk. Pick a private place where emotions can be expressed without being on public display. Initiating a relationship talk in a crowded coffee shop, or at lunch when she has to go back to work, probably isn't the best idea.
Talk it over, but don't debate. The answer may not be a simple yes or no. If that’s the case, don't assume complete rejection. Be prepared to listen to your partner's response and to discuss it. However, avoid getting into a debate. If you find yourself arguing for more than your partner is ready to give, you are pushing too hard.
Don’t demand an immediate answer. Sometimes when people feel pressure to respond, they get flustered. Their mind and emotions start spinning too fast for words to make sense. Take the pressure off by suggesting some time to think it over and a follow-up discussion.
Defining a relationship is a natural and necessary part of moving forward in a relationship—or deciding not to. Sensitivity, understanding, and proper timing will make your talk productive.
Where are you on the path to love? Read on for similar articles in our Stages of Love road map!
A relationship develops, The first kiss, the first night together, shared finances, living together, marriage then children (or visa versa). I still remember telling my partner that I intended travelling overseas and if she came good, if not I was intending to stay for quite awhile and we should part if she did not want to join me. That was in 1981 and we travelled in 83/84, married in 85 had a boy in 86 and another in 89 (who had some serious physical challenges), moved to the island state in 91, retrenched in 94, moved to Hobart in 97/98 to gain extra qualifications, having the second borns needs increase as his health deteriorated, only being employed casually (even though at times more than full-time) and finally having the second born finally after a long illness in 08. We have been through so much (over half my life she has been the number one person in my life) that it is impossible to seperate and that is the key. Gradually develop the relationship and one day you will realise that there is no turning back. Share the good and the bad times, the happiness and the sadness, the joy and the tears, the pleasure and the pain. Holliwood is crap, take it slow but take it steady.
I had the talk not long ago and brought the subject up. Face it, everyone has a feeling on what the answers will be when the topic is broached and they are hoping the other party confirms it, but by avoiding the issue may result in confusing everyone.
I often laugh at some of the eH advice columns and I’ll give a nod to WeDesignOurLives.
After three months of dating someone... we’d likely have 8-10 dates and maybe a hundred hours of phone and email time. We know each other’s work schedules, what activities we do, how often we weren’t available for dates, etc. From their availability, the obvious commitment they are putting into dating you, and/or how well it is going, I think one should have some idea if the other person wasn’t already exclusive or at least not seriously pursuing others.
However, as a practical matter of having “the talk”... I don’t think it is even necessary. It would appear there are obvious ways to both demonstrate your willingness for exclusivity and to ‘ask’ your partner if this is the case. For example, have her over for dinner and extend the offer to include her parents; ask if she would like to take a three month long cooking class together; ask if you can stop by her office with some flowers and take her to lunch; tell her that some of your friends have tickets to a concert and ask if she would like to come; ask if you can join her and her friends in their annual charity run; etc. Meeting friends, family, coworkers, etc. or committing to longer term activities should be enough to demonstrate exclusivity on both sides. Someone would have to be pretty low to sit down to dinner with their parents knowing they are dating others.
However, if you somehow feel the need to be explicit about it... close your eH account down, print off the confirmation screen, and leave it on the kitchen table with a rose when you invite her over to make cookies.
''However, if you somehow feel the need to be explicit about it... close your eH account down, print off the confirmation screen, and leave it on the kitchen table with a rose when you invite her over to make cookies.''
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