“I've never been married, though I was engaged once back in college ...but that ended back in 2001. I'll be completing my masters Dec. 2008. While I'd like to complete my ten years where I'm working at now (after I graduate it'll only be 2.5 years left)... for the right guy, I'd be willing to move before then.”
“I like to think of myself as mellow and friendly. I have solid priorities but respect people of all backgrounds. I've always been proud of the fact that I count among my friends conservatives, liberals, republicans, democrats. The variety can be a little challenging but also extremely rewearding. I feel very blessed!”
“A curious introvert. I've been around the world on mission trips and for work, but most weekends I prefer to sit home with my cats, a cup of coffee and a good book. I've worked as an Interpreter for the deaf in public schools, a robotics programmer, and a janitor. I absolutely hated English in school but now I write (one book of poetry finished and one fantasy novel looking for a publisher/agent.) I'm not good at creating art but I do appreciate it.”
A famous supermodel reportedly once overheard a woman commenting on her latest glamorous magazine cover photo. “I would give anything if my skin looked that good,” the woman said with a sigh.
The model introduced herself and said, “Believe me, so would I!” She knew better than anyone that such “perfection” is a myth.
No wonder people sometimes stretch the truth about themselves a little in the early stages of a relationship. Sadly, singles no longer compete solely with flesh and blood rivals, but with mass media icons that are the work of airbrush painting and Photoshop, not nature. Who wouldn’t be tempted to gloss over their blemishes and emphasize a few highlights in their life?
Even so, there is a big difference between forgivable cosmetic embellishment and devious deception. One is meant to “enhance” the truth, the other to hide it, or replace it with a totally false version of reality. Self-flattery is no crime, but outright lies are dangerous. They usually obscure facts that, if known, would threaten the relationship—other romantic commitments, severe financial difficulty, even criminal behavior.
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So how can you know if you are dating a liar? Here are six ways to protect yourself:
Watch for inconsistency. A person who tells lies must work hard to keep track of what they have said, and to whom. When the details of a story don’t add up, or keep changing over time, it may be a sign that you’re not getting the straight scoop.
Be alert to TMI: too much information. Liars often give themselves away by offering overly elaborate explanations for their actions. It is the inverse of Occam’s Razor, the famous rule of logic, which says that the simplest solution to any problem is usually the correct one. The greater a story’s complexity, the more likely it is to be untruthful.
Read nonverbal reactions. Words may conceal the truth, but a liar’s body language usually speaks volumes. Watch for excessive fidgeting, reluctance to make eye contact, closed and defensive postures like tightly folded arms, and even which direction a person looks when trying to recall details. If his eyes move up and to the right while he thinks of what to tell you next, watch out!
Ask direct questions. If you suspect someone is lying, remember that you are entitled to the truth. Don’t be bullied into dropping it until you are satisfied.
Trust your gut. One of the great breakthroughs in modern medical science is the discovery that neurochemicals long associated with “thinking” are not just located in the brain. In fact, the greatest concentration is found in—you guessed it—your abdomen. In other words, if a “gut feeling” tells you something your partner says is fishy, don’t ignore it.
Pull the plug. If all the evidence points to devious deception in a fledgling relationship, break it off. The stark reality is, the situation is unlikely to improve—and may very well grow dangerously worse over time. There are too many good, honest people in the world to get yourself tangled up with a liar.
Truthfulness is an essential ingredient in any relationship. Don’t settle for less. In every aspect of life, and especially romantic partnerships, honesty really is the best policy.
A response to everyone especially HeartnSoul1...
[U][B]First:[/B] [/U]
> If [B]his [/B] eyes move up and to the right while he thinks of what to tell you next, watch out!
Two comments: 1) men lie, and [I][B]women [/B] [/I] lie also; and 2) You are referring to "eye accessing cues" and that requires something called "[B]calibration[/B] " as well as practice. This is [U][B]bad [/B] [/U] advice on the order of "If you have a pain in your chest just take some pain killers." Your advice may cause a liar to go undiagnosed, but worse, cause a good relationship to end! A faithful partner who is simply left handed or differently organized could be branded a liar! [I][B]This information is wrong and should be ignored. [/B][/I]For correct information, google "eye accessing cues" and read.[U] [/U]
[U][B]On liars and people, and people who lie:[/B] [/U]
I understand and can clearly feel you pain, Ms. HeartSoul, and I have a gift for you: You need to forgive him, not for his sake but for your sake.
I'm not suggesting for one minute that you take him back into your life, or that you allow him to hurt you anymore, I'm merely suggestion that through forgiveness and understanding the sharp intense emotion in your mind and body will be released before it can do any damage. I work with people all the time that have physical issues that when explored, inevitably lead to a memory of a painful experience. Think of it this way... the brain stores memories, and also manages different parts of the body. When an unresolved issue is in the brain, that area of the brain controls some part of the body. Is it any surprise that someone would feel pain in that part of her body?
One way to begin the process of forgiveness is to "unzip" the person from their behavior. I've had many patients over the years that came to me because they would lie uncontrollably and put their work and relationships in danger. Inevitably it results from some coping behavior from childhood, often the person was abused and would lie to avoid that. By working through the root issues, the lying would stop and the patient would be aware of the benefits and joy of telling the truth. Telling lies all the time is painful, just like any behavior like drinking, smoking, over-eating, etc., but people do it because the pain that they avoid is worse than the pain of the behavior. It isn’t because people are “bad” but instead because they learn strategies to cope that aren’t as good as your strategies, or perhaps, consider that they had to cope with something that you never had to cope with! Understanding this can lead to your own healing which is all I'm referring to here.
A final note... while bashing him and letting the door hit him in the rump may feel good, but... that energy doesn't come from a good place. Worse, as friends console you and give you attention, "yeah, you tell him girl" "get RID of that JERK" and words along those lines, it sets up something we call "secondary gain" which may cause you to subconsciously attract this experience again to regain this attention and accolades. It's a complex response that does often happen to people and noticing it is difficult, more often people complain "Why does that always happen to me?" without recognizing they are attracting it.
Think of him as an alcoholic that you aren't willing to help; grieve, forgive and move on. It isn't as much fun but it is so much more healthy for you and for the "universal spirit" of the world.
I hope this message finds gentle, receptive and understanding eyes and ears.
"The greater a story's complexity the more likely it is to be untruthful." has to be one of the most inane statements of "advice' that I have ever read. Life is complex and becomes moreso as one continues on that journey through life.
Everytime I've had a gut feeling; I was right on target. I just ended a live in relationship with a master liar. He was such a great liar and deceiver that when I confronted him with a certain situation about an ex girlfriend, he became so defensive and started yelling at me. Well, brother, the door is right there, here's your clothes, and don't let the door hit you on the you
on the you know what on the way out. He's left some of his belongings at my place. Thinks he's going to get back into my good graces. He doesn't come and get them, out the door
they go just like he is. Liars are cowards and users. The reality and truth factors have no place
in their deceiptful lives and no one should have these creeps in their lives. Move on. Truthful
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