Overcoming Shyness

Shyness can be emotionally paralyzing, especially when it comes to dating. Learning to combat shyness is as easy as participating in a few exercises that will get you out of your shell and into the game.

By Neil Clark Warren

Did you know that for many people, shyness is the number one obstacle they have in their dating life? Imagine: they have lots of offers from attractive people, they live in an area where there are dozens of dating activities to enjoy, they can afford to date, and they have the free time. Yet their overwhelming shyness still makes is impossible for them to date without great pain. It is a common problem, and a very sad one.

If you are one of these unfortunate people, this series of articles is going to help you overcome the problem. You should know that when I was young I was shy, so I have a lot of empathy for what you’re going through yourself. The whole idea is to overcome that set of frustrating fears that currently have you kind of mired in an anxious, shy place.

If your shyness is currently keeping you from dating or is making dating a painful ordeal, I want you to consider getting five to ten sessions of counseling with a therapist who has a great reputation for helping people.

For this particular problem, I recommend that you not be in therapy for longer than five or ten sessions. I just want you to see someone long enough for you to investigate the roots of your shyness. I want this therapist to be the kind of person who can give you ideas and who can help you develop a plan for overcoming your shyness.

Overcoming shyness always requires courage. You need the encouragement of a person who is there as your coach. They give you encouragement and then they redefine the plan so that you know what the next step is for you to take.

Practice dating with someone who is not a potential partner for you.

This can be your cousin or your sister or your old friend—somebody that you like. I suggest you go right through the whole rigmarole–call for a date with this person, where they play like they are a potential dating partner and you ask them out. You pick them up at their home; take them out to the car and to a show. It won’t matter who it is, you’ll get some laughs from it. You need just that practice. As you practice doing these things, you feel more and surer of yourself. As the shyness begins to subside you will no longer feel quite the same intensity of anxiety.

Engage in something called “systematic desensitization.”

Now that’s a big long term, systematic desensitization. What am I talking about? The theory is to pair up, in your mind, a very relaxed body and a vision or thought of the thing you fear so much. I want to get you as relaxed as I can physically, and then I want you to think about the thing you fear so much.

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