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Do you view past relationships as “tombstones”—markers of long-lost hopes and dreams? Or do you see them as “stepping stones”—a helpful pathway moving forward towards something better ahead?
That’s more than just a theoretical question to ponder over your morning latte or while scribbling in your journal. After all, many singles remain stuck in the past, viewing each ended relationship as a kind of small death. They ruminate about what might have been, where things went wrong, and when the sweet feelings started to go sour.
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But holding too tightly to the past can prevent us from moving into the future. “It’s time to let go and move on,” we tell ourselves. But how? If you find that your thoughts frequently go backward instead of forward, consider these ideas:
Give your former partner a new label.
It’s possible that you’ve been thinking of your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend as “The One.” Getting over “The One” is a tall order. Getting over “Someone I needed to date on my path to The One” is an easier assignment. Remember that “The One” is still out there. Begin reassigning your loyalties and affections to that person.
Resist the urge to romanticize the past.
Lots of people look back on former relationships and remember only the good things, while forgetting all the headaches and hassles. As with individuals, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Recognizing both the positives and negatives will help keep things in perspective—and help you let go of the past more easily.
Acknowledge that you’re not starting over from scratch.
The truth is that you’re actually closer to true love than ever before. Perhaps, in the grand scheme of things, you were destined to date two or ten or twenty people before finding the real love of your life. Start thinking of your former partner as someone you needed to date and cross off the list before moving on to the love of your life.
Identify lessons learned that will help in future relationships.
What insights did you uncover that will enable you to avoid trouble next time around? Did you learn something positive about yourself or about the opposite sex? Are you stronger or wiser as a result? Do you have a clearer picture of what you need in a mate—and what you want to avoid? Learning from the good experiences and the bad ones will make you a wiser dating partner in the future.
Don’t let your “self-talk” box you into a painful past.
We talk to ourselves constantly—a kind of the running mental monologue playing between our ears. Maybe you catch yourself saying: “I will never be loved.” “Relationships always turn out badly for me.” “I’m as unlucky in love as I’ve always been!” These kind of statements certainly aren’t helpful and probably aren’t true. But if we hear them often enough, we can start acting as if they were true. Choose instead to use words that reflect a healthy self-image and a generous measure of hope. Need some ideas? “I have yet to find the right partner for me, but that just means the best is yet to come.” “My time ‘alone’ isn’t wasted. I’m going to use this time to explore new opportunities and new ways to grow.”
Unfortunately, we don’t always get to choose how a relationship ends. What we do get to choose is whether we’re going to view failed relationships as eternal reminders of the death of something we weren’t ready to lose—or as a pathway to something better.
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