“I've never been married, though I was engaged once back in college ...but that ended back in 2001. I'll be completing my masters Dec. 2008. While I'd like to complete my ten years where I'm working at now (after I graduate it'll only be 2.5 years left)... for the right guy, I'd be willing to move before then.”
“I like to enjoy the finer things in life with my special lady. I like to travel, I like the outdoors, fishing, boating ( I can sail and power boat etc ). I like films and trivia, an expert at Jeopardy etc. I enjoy cooking, and fine food. I am an excellent photographer, I also have been published as a writer, in major magazines.”
Fib. Half-truth. Fable. Fabrication. Prevarication. Figment. Inexactitude. Disinformation. Fiction. Truth evasion. No matter how you say it, a lie is a lie—but is it ever okay in a relationship?
We’ve all heard the saying that "little white lies don’t hurt anybody" or its ever-popular variant, "What people don’t know can’t hurt them," but when it comes to matters of the heart, nothing could be more untrue. There’s often a fine line between tact and raw truth, but to err on the side of lie is to choose fiction over fact and shortchange the bond you share with the one you love.
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In the world of romance, there are two types of lies: those that are told to avoid the emergence of uncomfortable emotions in others that the liar could be held responsible for, and those wielded to manipulate others to get ahead or get away with something. In either case, the motivation to lie comes from a very self-centered place—a liar lies for himself or herself. Even during those times when the issue seems small, when, for instance she may ask, "Honey, do I look fat in these pants?" and when he may furrow his brown and ask, "Is that a new pair of shoes?" there is an opportunity for the respondent to flat-out lie to save face, or to address the situation with truth, albeit tactfully.
By replying, "Those pants look okay, but you know what really makes you shine is this pair of pants over here…" and "Yes, they are new. I got them on sale—do you like them?" the pillar of trust remains intact and the lines of communication remain open for further discussion. Sure, there might be temporary uncomfortable emotions that arise in the moment, but they may signal bigger issues that need honest discussion.
For instance, if your partner has packed on weight and is sensitive about it, what he or she is looking for is reassurance that you still find them attractive, and likewise, if someone is engaging in a little bit too much "retail therapy" at the detriment of a shared financial budget, boundaries and limits need to be established that will satisfy both partners. Burying these seemingly small issues contributes to a larger practice of making it okay to sidestep the truth in other areas down the road.
The Role of Good Counsel in Love
When we need guidance, we want the truth. Our closest friends are who we go to for advice and that is because they tell us the truth tempered with emotional comfort, but an even closer bond is shared with your partner. In a healthy relationship a partner serves the role of a trusted sounding board and confidante who knows his or her partner on very intimate levels that are not shared with even the best of friends. This type of bond is forged with the kind of unconditional acceptance upon which most families are built.
The truth may not always be pretty and may not always be painless to bring out into the light, but honesty is the cornerstone of these relationships. It facilitates the best communication possible between two partners in both good times and bad that will help them sail through the different stages and unexpected changes in their lives. Dishonesty, on the other hand, serves as a weapon of separation in relationships. What liars do not realize is that dishonest behavior not only injects distance in their relationships, but it also puts distance between who they really are and who they are pretending to be.
Over time, even the smallest of lies can generalize into larger ones, and at that point a liar may be unable to distinguish the real and usually selfish motivations from the blanket excuses that he or she uses to justify dishonest behavior. Statements like "I’m only lying to protect my partner," or "She’d be really upset if she knew, so . . . " are cop-outs that serve the liar more than their partner, and speaks to a general lack of respect for the other person. In a healthy relationship, though, there are no lies and secrets that cannot be overcome when brought to the light. Guilt, shame and blame are the slow poisons to a relationship’s death. By getting these types of buried emotions out in open and truly working through them, a couple progresses through life together with a type of strength and unity that denial and rules-based boundaries about what can and cannot be talked about can never touch.
So in the end, whether you choose to employ honesty or dishonesty all depends on what you want for yourself and how you want to share your life with your partner. Temporary emotional comfort in a potentially volatile situation can seem desirable in the moment, but at the sake of the kind of solid long-term comfort that comes with one partner knowing that the other is always up front and honest with them, you may want to opt for tact, the whole truth, and nothing but love and respect.
I was kind of dating this guy that I met via the internet! His profile said that he was "legally separated". Well truth be told, he is still technically married and there is no getting around that fact, he should have NOT been on that site trying to get him som butt! Well, a good friendship became of that between he and I at least I thought it did. There was something that just wasn't sitting right with me. I could never see him, when I wanted to see him, he would only stay for a couple of hours before he stated that he had to be back at work (right!), he would always tell me that he would come and see me, but never show up. Especially Christmas, he promised, he lied and needlesstosay, hurt my feelings and just trully pissed me off! Well, I decided to call him and talk to him, but he kept ignoring my calls, I left him a voice mail, he never responded, finally I sent him a text message telling him to never call me again, loose my number, HAVE A NICE LIFE! I was tired of always not being thought about, I didn't want to continue to be in a relationship with someone that did not have time for me and was living a lie. No, it's never okay to lie to someone! It will come back to bite you in the butt for sure.
The clincher was, he thought that I didn't know where he lived because he never invited me over, but I know where he lives, been by his home just to make sure it was his.
Oh, and....thanks to the women who posted their feelings about being lied to in earlier posts. It helped me to see that I'm not the only one who feels a lack of self worth because I forgave in love and allowed a man to manipulate me, and make me think that everything was my fault. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to get him out of my head enough to stop believing that he lies because there is something wrong with me. Like I'm too jealous or "nosy." Why am I always apologizing? I'm not even a weak or mushy gushy person. That's why love is such a crippling emotion. It makes you vulnerable to behavior that you wouldn't put up with in any other situation. I want to be at that "I've had enough, I can't stand to be around you" stage. I want to feel that way so badly.
WOW! By far the most replies are about being truthful or not. Do I see a trend here that maybe, just maybe, most folks are liars in spite of what they say? Is this the "real"world? Seems to me most are making attempts to raitionalise what is, in fact, is that most people lie on a daily basis.
If the "real world" is that all of us walk around lying all day, then the human race is completely ignorant and illogical. Which I don't believe. Everyone seems to approach lying from either an emotional angle, or else they want to use the cop out of "everyone lies, stop complaining it's life." I hate lying because it doesn't make sense. It doesn't help the person who's lying because even if they don't care about the consequences (like losing their partner), the liar is expending so much energy to preserve their lies. What a big freakin waste of time, for the liar and the "lied to." Whats the point? Fact is, I'm honest because lying is too much trouble. Not lying seems so cut and dry to me. A liar, to me, is an idiot. The truth is the truth. If somebody can't handle it, then it's probably best that you're not together anyway, why waste the time trying to preserve something that won't work? NOT LOGICAL. Sorry this is one thing that really gets on my nerves. In my opinion, anyone who lies, for any reason, should be tested for learning disabilities. This article says that the person is being "selfish," but I think they're too stupid to be selfish. Selfish people protect themselves at all costs, think of themselves first. Lying does nothing but give yourself a huge pain in the rear. If people were selfish they wouldn't lie because it's not self-preserving.
A truly selfish man, for example, would sleep with a woman, promise nothing, let her know he thinks shes a bimbo, tell her he has no intention of not sleeping with other people, and tell her to give him a call. More often than not, I bet a good number come crawling back because they have a lack of self worth, and she wont have any ground for anger because she accepted the offer. If she wasn't willing to accept the offer, why not move on to the next bimbo that doesn't mind devaluing herself with pointless sex with a disrespecting jerk? Trust me, there's plenty of them, and when you find someone to accept you being an jerk, it's a lot easier than pretending to be a sweetheart. Sometimes I think dating an jerk is safer than dating a "nice guy." Its predictable, you always know that a jerk will be an jerk.
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