“I've never been married, though I was engaged once back in college ...but that ended back in 2001. I'll be completing my masters Dec. 2008. While I'd like to complete my ten years where I'm working at now (after I graduate it'll only be 2.5 years left)... for the right guy, I'd be willing to move before then.”
“I like to think of myself as mellow and friendly. I have solid priorities but respect people of all backgrounds. I've always been proud of the fact that I count among my friends conservatives, liberals, republicans, democrats. The variety can be a little challenging but also extremely rewearding. I feel very blessed!”
“A curious introvert. I've been around the world on mission trips and for work, but most weekends I prefer to sit home with my cats, a cup of coffee and a good book. I've worked as an Interpreter for the deaf in public schools, a robotics programmer, and a janitor. I absolutely hated English in school but now I write (one book of poetry finished and one fantasy novel looking for a publisher/agent.) I'm not good at creating art but I do appreciate it.”
Dear Dr. Warren,
My worst fear is being rejected by a female and when I do try to talk to the person that I like, my words come out all wrong. People say that a first impression is the most important thing but with me, that is not entirely true.
by Dr. Neil Clark Warren, Clinical Psychologist and eHarmony Founder
My worst fear is being rejected by a female and when I do try to talk to the person that I like, my words come out all wrong. People say that a first impression is the most important thing but with me, that is not entirely true. How do I overcome that fear with out sounding like an idiot?
--Scott, OR
The first important point for you to realize is that almost every person you’ve ever met, has had this fear at one time in their life. Fear of rejection is one of the most basic human fears. Until a person learns some skills to lessen their anxiety and communicate confidently, this nervousness will continue.
ADVERTISEMENT
You don’t mention your age, but many people learn these opposite sex social skills as a teenager. By enduring the awkward teenage social scene many people, in a series of hit and miss episodes, discover how to relate to the opposite sex in a meaningful, confident manner.
Of course, the story is different for everyone. If you’re having trouble expressing yourself as you’d like I can offer a few suggestion that will help.
Focus on the Other Person
When meeting someone for the first time, especially someone with whom we may have a romantic interests, it’s common to focus on how you look, how you sound, how you portray yourself. This is what is called “Being Self-Conscious.” It causes you to second guess every word you say. It virtually forces you to stop being your natural self and become a cautious self-analyzer.
The key to overcoming this problem is to recognize it and make a purposeful effort to control it. When you meet someone, take a moment to focus on them. If you’re taking a woman out for the first time, just spend the first few minutes together noticing the details of her appearance. Notice her hair, the tone of her voice, the way she smiles. You can do these things in a casual way. By putting your focus and attention on her you will become less self-conscious.
rejection is unacceptable under any circumstances. One is two too many. The fact that this person doesn't want SFA to do with you indicates that there is something wrong because otherwise, why wouldn't they want anything to do with you?
Sorry, but this idea of being able to control your emotions in a case like this is easier said than done. Maybe if you have a doctorate and can be a boring old fartknocker, yes, but for anyone under 50, it ain't so damn easy.
Perhaps I've got a perspective similar to "theater audition" from one of the previous posts. This is life and it's not always treating you as your mommy did. Consider being rejected as taking a hit in the boxing match. I took martial arts class for a while and in the beginning I was quite apprehensive of sparrings, but when we started doing them twice a week I began liking them! If you persist you will eventually become desensitized to pain and you will get an invaluable experience. Just keep going and learn how to communicate better.
Scott - females can be of any species: dogs,birds, apes, insects.Female HUMANS are called WOMEN.Referring to women as "females" means you don't even consider them to be fellow human beings, but rather as specimens of a species. There's your real problem.
Not an Advice member? Sign up to contribute to the discussion.
Create an account above to save and post your reply. This information is private: only your screen name will be visible to other Advice members.
Advice members, log in to post your reply.
eHarmony account holders: your signup information will not work in the Advice Community. You must create an Advice screen name by using the sign-up form to the right.
Print
Email
RSS
Recent comments on this article
Read all comments