I Can't Take Rejection
Dear Dr. Warren,
My worst fear is being rejected by a female and when I do try to talk to the person that I like, my words come out all wrong. People say that a first impression is the most important thing but with me, that is not entirely true.
by Dr. Neil Clark Warren, Clinical Psychologist and eHarmony Founder
Dear Dr. Warren,
My worst fear is being rejected by a female and when I do try to talk to the person that I like, my words come out all wrong. People say that a first impression is the most important thing but with me, that is not entirely true. How do I overcome that fear with out sounding like an idiot?
--Scott, OR
The first important point for you to realize is that almost every person you’ve ever met, has had this fear at one time in their life. Fear of rejection is one of the most basic human fears. Until a person learns some skills to lessen their anxiety and communicate confidently, this nervousness will continue.
You don’t mention your age, but many people learn these opposite sex social skills as a teenager. By enduring the awkward teenage social scene many people, in a series of hit and miss episodes, discover how to relate to the opposite sex in a meaningful, confident manner.
Of course, the story is different for everyone. If you’re having trouble expressing yourself as you’d like I can offer a few suggestion that will help.
Focus on the Other Person
When meeting someone for the first time, especially someone with whom we may have a romantic interests, it’s common to focus on how you look, how you sound, how you portray yourself. This is what is called “Being Self-Conscious.” It causes you to second guess every word you say. It virtually forces you to stop being your natural self and become a cautious self-analyzer.
The key to overcoming this problem is to recognize it and make a purposeful effort to control it. When you meet someone, take a moment to focus on them. If you’re taking a woman out for the first time, just spend the first few minutes together noticing the details of her appearance. Notice her hair, the tone of her voice, the way she smiles. You can do these things in a casual way. By putting your focus and attention on her you will become less self-conscious.
23 comments on
“I Can't Take Rejection ”
I agree with Goosie. I was communicating with someone for several days and it was going well. He kept asking for my picture. Due to technology it took a bit. Once it was posted I stopped hearing from him. After 3 days, I wrote a short note to him hoping to give him the opportunity to let me down easy. He never wrote back and closed me out by saying the was "no chemistry." The fact that he didn't like my appearance did not hurt as much as him not writing to say he would be moving on. On the flip side, I closed out a match but I wrote him first to nicely say why. I think if you've been talking with somone for several days you should remember that this is actually a real person and treat them as you would want to be treated.
- January 01, 2008 06:34 PM
I recently met an eharmony match for the first time after talking EXTENSIVELY for at least two full days online. After the meeting he didn't contacted me again. I could beat myself up about it and worry about "what was wrong with me or what I did wrong", but I think that if people can't accept you the way you are, then you definitely don't want them. They are doing you a favor to reject you now instead of hauling you through hell in a relationship with them.
- December 22, 2007 04:31 PM
I'm sorry, but in contrast to the opinions expressed above, I was left with an extremely negative impression after reading this article. To quote from the second paragraph of Dr. Warren's response, "You don’t mention your age, but many people learn these opposite sex social skills as a teenager." Scott just expressed his difficulty with these social skills. What is then saying that most people already have these things figured out supposed to serve? What if, as in my case, the entire teenage social experience was missed for one reason or another? While the advice offered isn't bad, it really seems to head in the wrong direction from there. I've heard numerous times to "Focus on the other person" and "Control your fear", and I doubt Scott was hoping to hear something that generic. Finally, the example of a 70-year old lady versus someone attractive and single is flawed in several ways: one, the idea that someone who is already nervous (as Scott would be) is going to automatically know or assume that someone is single is suspicious (going back to the "most people already have this figured out" idea, which I find extremely discouraging), and two, having the girl say hi to you is a LOT easier and less intimidating than striking up a conversation cold, and I KNOW Dr. Warren knows this.
- December 22, 2007 11:01 AM
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