How to Fail at Falling In Love

Many people buy into the myth that being in love means being "complete." If you are waiting for that special someone to make you whole, you are almost guaranteed to fail at falling in love.

by eHarmony Staff

How to Fail at Falling In Love
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By attaching ourselves to another person, many needy singles believe, we become instantly whole. Complete. All our needs are met. Case closed. The enticement is too much for the needy to resist. Who can pass up a short-cut, as it were, to personal growth? No wonder so many drink the poison of this lie.

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Take for example a woman we’ll call Rebecca. She was in her late twenties and was a study in misery. She’d dated a man we’ll call Tom a few times in college but nothing serious ever developed. A few years later, a job brought Tom back to Seattle where they attended the same church and began palling around. “We’re more than friends,” is the way she described it. “You could say we’re dating, but the sparks aren’t really flying, at least for Tom.” She talked about how Tom was focused more on his career in marketing than his relationships. In fact, he was now considering moving to Kansas City to enroll in a training program that would make him more attractive to potential employers. That’s what brought Rebecca into therapy.

After four months of quasi-dating in Seattle, Rebecca was considering a move to Kansas City to be with Tom. “My job is nothing to brag about,” she said, “and I have an aunt in KC who said I could stay in her spare room for a while.”

So yes: Rebecca was moving across the country for a man that had made no commitment to their relationship. The story is cringe-worth—how Rebecca longed for a relationship and how potentially painful such a decision could be. We explored other options for a few minutes, but she wasn’t interested. She didn’t want advice. Rebecca was headed to Kansas City—following her relocated knight in shining armor—and there was no talking her out of it.

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38 comments on “How to Fail at Falling In Love”


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HappyandLight

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I am happy to say I am waaaaaaaay beyond this. I have many interests and needs that go beyond my bf (but I LOVE having a relatioship) and I recognize that the happiness I feel in life is up to me. And even with my relationship...it's up to me to bring up what I need to bring up and ultimately it's up to me to manage my own emotions and life.

In fact, it's only my wholeness that allows me to give to the relationship I have now.

- September 17, 2009 03:39 PM
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blueshoe

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Good article, I know I have had thoughts like these that are expressed. It's wierd, I read alot of books on these topics. When I am alone or in church its like " Yes Amen" but when I am confronted with someone who seems to always be a bad fit it's this type of story in the article. I ALMOST FEEL LIKE I AM READING A SCRIPT AND HAVE IT MEMORIZED BY NOW BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT ALL THESE GUYS ARE GOING TO DO.It's like I can't see it happening at the time even though I know better. I keep repeating the pattern and I don't know why. Seems like I meet more men that aren't right for me than the ones that are so I start to settle and travel down this path. It's hard to wait.and sadly I know so few couples that have done it right I don't get alot of encouragement or role models. I mean where are there flesh and blood people that write these articles for EH.?
- September 17, 2009 03:13 PM
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rainbow_bridge

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Lorelei wrote:
My guess is that the man in this article led her to believe that if she'd only move with him, her greatest goal would be fulfilled - they'd get married. If Tom had been honest, told her that he wasn't interested in her, and stopped using her as a rag to mop up his own needs, she'd have seen the light and stayed in Seattle! Most people hear what you say. If you say you are moving forward with your life and they are not included in those plans, they will agree to end the relationship. I have a feeling there is more to this story than what the author is telling us. Tom has promised this woman the moon and lied about it, thus her severe pain when he finds someone new and becomes engaged overnight! Sometimes it takes being burned over and over again to learn that you're much happier on your own. We all crave companionship and love and there is nothing wrong or needy in wanting to meet that need. What is sad is when one misleads another into thinking that the ultimate goal will be realized, only for the other to find that it was empty promises to keep them on the string till someone "new" comes along.
i vote for this guess. In a relationship that doesn't work out, there is always problems from both parts. the woman might be a bit too into that guy, but if that guy didn't have give herany false impression that he would give her a home, she wouldn't be silly enough to follow him accross the coutry. for a woman like that, she will learn from the lesson and won't get into a life like that kind of man again. NEVER falling for a man who give no promise at all.
- January 03, 2009 06:20 AM
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