“I look for new things to try, I look forward to being able to travel when I finish college, I have the most amazing little boy, I have a southern drawl I cannot get rid of, my best friends and I have just as much fun as our kids on our play dates...and I love to meet new people. =)”
Dear Dr. Warren,
I recently went out with an eHarmony match. I could go on and on listing his great traits, but I never felt a sense of chemistry. Will that come later?
by Dr. Neil Clark Warren, Clinical Psychologist and eHarmony Founder
I recently went out with an eHarmony match. He was a nice guy and we had a pleasant time. I'm sure lots of women would be pretty happy with him. He is tall enough for me. He has a good job, and objectively he is even handsome. We talked and laughed and he seems like a good, kind soul. I could go on and on listing his great traits, but I never felt a sense of chemistry. We had a simple kiss at the end of the night and I thought maybe that would jump-start the fireworks. No. It was a pleasant kiss that left me very confused.This man obviously likes me, and has called for a second date. I don't know what to do. During our first evening together, I didn't feel any chemistry with him, but will that come later? We're compatible. We laughed together. Should the fact that I don't feel a strong sexual pull toward him on the first date mean anything?
--Mandy - Tulsa, OK
Your wonderful letter has gotten right to the heart of a common problem. Many eHarmony members have expressed the same question about chemistry, and I have some strong ideas for you to consider. I'm a big proponent of physical chemistry in a relationship. I think couples who don't share strong chemistry may have additional problems during the ups and downs of a life together. After 35 years of counseling couples, it has become clear to me that a strong physical bond helps two people want to fight through the problems between them. It gives the relationship passion and drive in a way nothing else can.
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Often chemistry is instantaneous. A particular person may not act on it immediately, but he or she feels the attraction within. This is so common that people have come to believe that chemistry is either there or it isn't, and that you know within seconds. My professional experience tells me that this isn't always true. I have talked with many couples - many successful eHarmony couples - who had to nurture their chemistry a bit. In some cases I've been told, "He isn't my usual type, and it took a couple of dates before I really felt comfortable with him." These are couples who have been married five, six or seven years and enjoy strong chemistry now, but it didn't present itself at the first date. As you know, a first date can be a high-pressure situation. People may be nervous or act in an awkward manner. This can significantly alter the energy that flows between them. Sometimes one of you has travelled a significant distance in order to meet. This can also add to the sense of pressure and awkwardness.
Here's my best advice for you given this situation:
1. Promise yourself never to go forward with a relationship unless you share strong chemistry.
The passion is going to have to carry you forward for years and years. This means that you need to feel it AND your partner needs to feel it before you start to build an ongoing relationship. If you've been on several dates with someone and you don't feel that he or she shares a sense of physical chemistry with you, you need to address the issue.
2. Be prepared to give it some time - a short amount of time.
As I mentioned, for various reasons you may not feel passionately the first time you see each other. That's okay. But if by the second or third date you don't feel a strong inclination to kiss the other person, be near him, or hold his hand, you're probably never going to feel it. I've seen couples who didn't have immediate chemistry build it over time, but you don't want to go too far into a relationship on the hope that you can create chemistry where none currently exists.
3. Don't mistake "attractiveness" for chemistry.
As you point out in your letter, Mandy, chemistry is different from attractiveness. You're able to objectively determine that this man is handsome, yet you don't feel a strong physical pull toward him. This is one of the reasons that photos are often misleading when it comes to chemistry. The perfect person isn't perfect for you if you don't feel a deep sense of chemistry with him. The fact that you share great conversation and he has a good job, looks nice and is funny will likely not overcome the negative effects of low passion on your relationship through the years.
Chemistry is the most over used word that no one seem to really understand. Will chemistry come rescue your relationship with you find out she has breast cancer? Or now that he can't walk because of an auto accident? I bet after the 3rd date chemistry is completely gone when he/she drops the story that they have aids. True love does not build on chemistry. It's about trust, understanding, patience, and friendship. Too many people look for that instant click. That instant click also goes the opposite as well.
Hmmm well I may get beat up for this, but I am going to go against the grain and say that chemistry is not all it's cracked up to be.
I was once in love with a man. The electricity was there, the chemistry was there. I have never before or since loved anyone the way I loved him. I would have killed or died for him. I felt that jump in my stomach every time he came home. My heart fluttered when he called. I would miss him when he ran to get something from the store and was gone 45 minutes.
And the sex was unbelievable. Amazing. Chemistry on steroids.
Well it turned out this man was a crystal meth addict (I had never even heard of crystal meth and I don't ever do any drugs) who had become a crystal meth/cocaine dealer. He had been in prison twice for committing violent felonies. And he had sex with at least 20 other women during the year we were together. I found out these things slowly, one little bit at a time, over the course of that year. I knew I should get out. But I loved him so much. That physical pull towards him was almost indescribable.
He ended the relationship by cleaning out my bank account (of course I was the only person working), giving away all my furniture to pay off a drug debt, kidnapping me and taking me to a city and state I had never been in before, and then beating me and leaving me to die on the parking lot of a gas station. He took off with my car.
So forgive me, but I'm a little "down" on chemistry. Women have spoken about it feeling like they would be living with their brother. Well, apart from the sex obviously, I would be very happy to live with either of my brothers! They have steady incomes, attend church, are family men, are nice and kind and considerate.
I could totally see myself in a relationship/marriage with a man that was my good friend but for whom I didn't feel that chemistry of physical pull/attraction. If we had similar interests, both wanted to do things like go on road trips with our RV, had common friends, went to church together, went to activities we both enjoyed such as the symphony, I feel that I would have a very enjoyable life. Boring, you say? Not for me. I've had all the danger and excitement I want for the rest of my life. Puttering around in the garden and BBQing for the kids on the weekend would be great as far as I'm concerned!
"Love" doesn't always have to mean sexual, chemical, physical attraction. We know this because we love many people we don't have sex with. I honestly feel I could love a man and we could have a great life, without me feeling the chemistry. Yes, I would have sex with him, and at my advanced age hee hee (49) I am experienced enough to know how to please a man and keep him contented in bed.
Do you guys know what I mean? Am I making any sense?
FaithNGod,
Cool I liked your responses. Now if I can just meet someone like that who bikes,jogs and likes to paddle it will be a match in heaven ! Looks come later..... at least thats how it works for me as far as 'chemistry' goes. It's usually character issues and mutual interests that sparks the chemistry first then I look at him,.... like really [I]look[/I] at him and thats all it takes ! :>)
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