How do I stop getting too attached to my matches too soon?

Dear Dr. Warren, I am trying to be very open to the eHarmony process. But am struggling with not taking things too seriously and getting too attached to matches too quickly. Can you help?

by Dr. Neil Clark Warren, Clinical Psychologist and eHarmony Founder

Dr. Warren,

We had the most amazing first date, and then we went out twice more that week.  I thought we were building something really special, but now I think he’s avoiding me.  I just don’t understand.
We’ve only been on two dates, and I am head over heels, but I don’t think she feels the same.

— Melissa, OR

Does this sound at all familiar?  Are you the type of person who meets someone and immediately feels a strong bond with the person?  And are there times when you end up wishing you had held back emotionally rather than having immediately jumped into the relationship with both feet?

If so, be grateful that you have a heart that knows how to love and a soul that’s willing to open itself up to other people.  That’s a gift that not everyone has, and this ability to connect deeply with someone will help you experience life and love in all its intensity.
But as you’ve probably already discovered, it’s also important to be smart about whom you offer yourself to and about how to pace yourself so that your attachment to others develops over time.  Often, a person becomes too attached too quickly because he or she has ignored important truths about relationships.  Instead, such people have bought into certain myths that leave them vulnerable to feeling much more emotionally attached much more quickly than is good for them or for a potential relationship.

Here are three myths that, if you believe them, can lead you to become too attached too soon.  With each myth below, we’ve offered a corresponding truth regarding your love and relationships that’s important to keep in mind.

Myth #1: The ideal person exists, and I think I may be having dinner with the person right now.  When we really think about it, we know that nobody’s perfect.  But sometimes when we’re experiencing the excitement of a first date or a new relationship, we may idealize another person and forget this important truth.  This happens for different reasons: people usually show only their best attributes, or they can more easily hide their less attractive qualities initially.  However, once you get to know them—warts and all, as the saying goes—those traits will be more noticeable. 

There’s not a lot you can do about the fact that new people in your life will always put their best foot forward.  It’s pretty much the nature of the dating scene.  But what you can do is to remind yourself that we’re all human and that we all offer a complex mix of the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Truth #1: There’s no such thing as the perfect person.
As you feel yourself falling under a new person’s spell, feel free to enjoy those good feelings.  But remind yourself over and over again that it’s early in the relationship and that you’re seeing only the best about your date.  This doesn’t mean that you shut yourself off from your date, but only that you should work hard to be smart and to remember that you’re not seeing the whole picture just yet.

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