Help! Our Sex Life is Dead Boring

Read on for key advice regarding one of the most important and intimate aspects of your relationship: Your sex life.

by eHarmony Staff

Have you and your partner been together so long that you’re finding it difficult to keep things passionate? Do you feel like sometimes the only reason you two actually are intimate is because you both know that you’re supposed to make sure that this part of your relationship stays active? And even then, do you sometimes feel that you’re simply going through the motions?

The good news is that you are not alone. In fact, you two are completely normal. Practically any couple who has been together for any real length of time will eventually struggle with this same issue. And you are right to think seriously about this aspect of your relationship, since it is one of the most basic ways that we relate to and connect with the person we love. Even better news is that you don’t have to let this part of your romantic life wither and die.

Here are several steps you can take to breathe new life into the sexual aspect of your relationship.

Be Realistic in your Expectations

Look, in real life, sex isn’t usually going to be like what you see on TV and in the movies. It’s not realistic to expect that you will both be in the mood as often as you were when you first got together. The simple fact is that the sexual aspect of any relationship will go through exciting times and mellower times. If you are expecting things to be earth-shattering and passionate every time you two look at each other, then you are setting yourself up for consistent disappointment.

Be realistic when you think about what you want to get out of your physical relationship. If you two are having sex fairly consistently, and generally enjoying the times that you are intimate, then you’re doing really well.

Set the Mood all day Long

Lots of times we think that sex begins once we head towards the bedroom. If we set the mood at all (and let’s face it—in a long term relationship we take the time to do this less and less frequently), we might light a candle or turn on a CD.

But we can set the mood for sex much sooner than that, and in more powerful ways. In fact, one of the best ways to turn up the heat in your relationship is to set the stage all day long. You can begin to prepare for a passionate encounter with your significant other early in the morning.

For example, simply by “making an appointment” with each other for later that evening, you’ll make sure that your “meeting” stays on your minds throughout the day. Then, you can offer little gestures to help you both stay focused on your rendezvous. Maybe you send an email or text message that drops hints about what you plan to do for your partner later that night. Or you might just leave a thoughtful or loving note where they will find it. However you do it is up to you. But the idea is that you find ways, throughout the day, to make sure that you are both anticipating your meet later on.

Improve your Pillow Talk

As is the case in so many areas of your relationship, one of the best things you can do to improve your sex life is to communicate well with your partner. This might mean, for example, taking the time to discuss whatever misgivings you have about the lack of excitement in your relationship.

But it also means talking about what you want and enjoy when you two are intimate. This isn’t always an easy conversation to initiate. Even though it’s sometimes uncomfortable to talk about what you really want —even with the person you feel closest to—that’s the quickest and most effective way of making sure that both of you feel fulfilled.

If it scares you a little to think of being really forthcoming, you’re not alone. Many people worry that their sexual desires will be perceived as odd, selfish, or simply beyond their partner’s comfort zone. One way to do this in a way that feels safer for both of you is to play the “What’s something crazy you once thought about?” game. By doing it this way, neither of you has to commit to following through on the idea, and it’s safe because it’s (allegedly) something that merely crossed your mind in the past.

Add some Spice

When the air has gotten a bit stale in the physical intimacy department, you have to step outside of your comfort zone. Maybe you have sex at some time other than a weekend evening. Or maybe you switch roles, so that the one who’s usually the initiator becomes more passive, and vice versa.

Often, this is simply about effort. Go the extra mile to find ways to add variety to your sex life and keep it from becoming dull. Imagine that you are on a first date, and that you are both extremely forward people who begin to participate in increasingly daring sex talk as the evening progresses. Whatever you do, try to release your inhibitions. Keep in mind that as long as you both feel respected and comfortable with what you’re doing, you can relax, let yourselves go, and enjoy the variety.

And that’s really what a healthy sex life is all about: enjoying yourselves, and each other in a way that allows you to express your love to each other in a meaningful way. Some couples put too much pressure on themselves to make sure that the earth moves every time they make love, which can often lead to disappointment.

So the next time you’re in bed together, make a concerted effort to relax and just enjoy yourselves. Laugh. Take pleasure in the set up and the buildup, not just the final pay-off. In other words, be fully engaged in the whole process, finding pleasure in everything from the beginning to the end. If you can do this, your sex life will no longer be dead boring.