Can you be too Honest?

In a word: yes. Honesty may be best the policy, but that doesn't mean you should tell it all. Learn what should be aired and what shouldn't.


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Your mom may disagree, but when it comes to relationships it’s not always prudent to adhere to the maxim “honesty is the best policy.” When looking for and cultivating interpersonal connections, we should all be up-front about ourselves. There is a need to reveal information about our past relationships and what our expectations are in moving forward with that other person. But does the other person need to really know everything?

The short answer is no. In fact, there are certain scenarios where it behooves us and our relationships to lie (or more precisely) withhold the truth. Read on to learn where and when it’s okay to hold your tongue, or even spit out what the Germans refer to as an “emergency lie.”

Lying about your Insecurities

It’s a sad fact that often we are nicer to other people than we are to ourselves—at least in our own minds. Unless we practice keeping it in check, a disparaging inner dialogue can eat away at our self-esteem until we feel like less than nothing. But when we verbalize the awful things we think about ourselves to our significant other, that person and the relationship suffer.

Take a woman who’s scrutinizing herself in front of a mirror. She points out this flaw and that wrinkle to her boyfriend/husband/significant other who then, in turn, probably says something to the contrary to alleviate some of her anxiety. He walks away and she feels better. Here’s the catch: he probably never really paid much attention to the perceived imperfection but now there’s a chance that he might. By bringing flaws to the forefront, you are making them even bigger.

We all have things that we don’t like about ourselves and it’s okay to share such insecurities with your partner, but don’t go overboard. The fact that your waist isn’t small enough and your feet are too big is your opinion—don’t try to convince anyone else.

Lying to Spare Feelings

For our second point we’ll need to refer to the first one. We’ve all been in a situation when we’ve needed to stroke someone’s ego because he or she was feeling insecure. If you happen to be the boyfriend in the aforementioned example, it’s best not to confirm the fact that your girlfriend indeed does have saddlebags. This is where the emergency lie comes in. “What saddlebags? You’re crazy!” is a good response.

It’s also okay to lie when someone is trying to do something nice for you and fails. Think of the situation when someone made you a chocolate cake but didn’t know you can’t stand chocolate. Or the time your significant other took you to see his favorite band—a band that you weren’t too crazy about. This is where your mom is right: it’s the thought that counts.

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scotty7

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jayjay wrote:

I would think that at some point in your early conversations / communications you'll be telling each other a little about what you've done in your life...including at least some basic info about past relationships. I'd think a divorce would be included in this.

Yeah, thank you. I guess it's common sense. I met a girl on here that I dated for five months and I shared with her my marital background on the phone before I met her and she was grateful that I was honest and she shared certain things with me in return. If am honest about my divorce sometime early in communication the girl will either be cool with it or not. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.

- August 21, 2008 09:01 PM
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zeb431

zeb431 overachieving on procrastinating on my lawn duty

midwest

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real simple

honesty is easy, when you tell the truth, you don't even up tripping yourself up later in a lie.

women have minds like a steel trap, they remember every detail, lie and you are likely to get caught sooner or later. tell the truth, take the heat and then its over.

falls under the it better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. rule

- August 21, 2008 11:41 AM
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Tinderbox

Tinderbox wants to help her with cleaning and repairing!

Houston (Clear Lake), TX

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morning_angel wrote:

Hi Everyone,

A close friend of mine has a serious dilemma regarding honesty. Because eHarmony is such a huge community, I though I'd get the widest range of opinions, give them all to her and let her make her own decision.

We became close friends back in college and she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in our sophomore year. She ended an 8 year relationship about 1 year ago. That man knew about her illness from the very beginning and it wasn't an issue for him because his brother had a mental illness. Now she's cautiously trying to date again. She has asked me whether she should tell a man early in the relationship or whether to wait. We've explored many of the pros and cons. Here are a few for your consideration:

pro- If she told him early in the relationship he could make a well informed decision before they became deeply involved and that way he might not get hurt. This seems to be the kindest, most ethical thing to do. (I myself would want to know about anything serious in a man's life that might effect my life if our relationship became serious.)

pro- If she told him early, she would know from his response whether he was compassionate or not, and then she'd know whether she to invest any time in the relationship. If she waited to tell him after they were deeply involved and he dumped her, then she would get hurt.

con- Discrimination against people with bipolar disorder is serious and can have dangerous consequences for the person who has the illness. My friend was recently introduced to a man at church. They saw each other on casual, social occasions for about 5 months before he asked her out. Before they could even have their first date, the person who introduced them innocently told the man. The man called her and screamed very abusive, cruel things at her. He frightened her, so she made a polite excuse and ended the call. The man then told one of her professional clients, and that client stopped doing business with her.

She has a college degree, works part-time, supports herself, and does volunteer work. All of us who know her have been educated about bipolar disorder, so it isn't such an issue for us. But for people who don't know, it is frightening, both for them and for my friend.

There's just a few of us friends who know that she has an illness. I've know her for so many years. She's a lovely, good person. The fact that she has an illness has never entered into my decision to be friends with her. I wouldn't end a friendship with someone because they had diabetes. I've know her for so long that I don't think of her as a person with a mental illness, I think of her as a whole human being. She's just herself. For this reason I can't be very objective about her situation. It's for this reason that all of your opinions are so valuable right now.

What does everyone out there think about this? When should she disclose about her bipolar disorder? It's important to her to be fair and kind to the man, but she also needs to consider her personal safety, and her job. Whenever she does choose to disclose, how do you all think it should be worded? Imagine you're on the receiving end. Thank you all so much for giving your ideas about this.

This is a good question, but it really should be put into its own thread as a separate topic rather than buried in this one.

- August 21, 2008 09:33 AM
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