Can Men and Women Just Be Friends?
Dear Dr. Warren,
As I date and search for a relationship partner I’m confronted with a recurring problem-- opposite sex friendships. What is your belief about opposite sex friendship when a person is married or dating someone?
Dr. Neil Clark Warren, Clinical Psychologist and eHarmony Founder
Dear Dr. Warren,
As I date and search for a relationship partner I’m confronted with a recurring problem, opposite sex friendships. Before I move forward with anyone I need to clearly establish how I feel on this matter.
What is your belief about opposite sex friendship when a person is married or dating someone?
-Kelly, KS
Kelly,
I have always been an enthusiastic proponent of deep rooted friendships with a variety of people. I believe that in most of our lives there will be one or two (or maybe more) episodes where your good and loving friends will, almost literally, save your life. The unconditional support these close friends provide will carry you though you darkest hours, when the rest of the world has seemingly turned against you. So, at the beginning I wanted to establish my complete support for the general concept of friendship, regardless of the gender of the friends.
The question you ask Kelly is really about the sort of friendship in question and the feelings of your spouse or boyfriend.
118 comments on
“Can Men and Women Just Be Friends?”
Does he think differently about me than I do him? I really don't think so. We have talked about these sorts of things off and on since our teens. We have platonically shared the same bed, same couch, same floor, same tent for several weeks at a time and we have done nothing more than cuddle and hang on to each other. We have at different times financially supported each other and we are always there to give each other emotional support. We have probably been sexually active togethe, at best, a dozen or so times over the years. For the most part our friendship is non sexual.
The physical nature of your relationship makes this something other than a friendship. Friends dont cuddle at night and hold each other intimately and have sex.
[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=1]Sally: We are just going to be friends, OK?
Harry: Great, friends. It's the best thing...You realize, of course, that we can never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form - is that men and women can't be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail them, too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that is the end of the story.
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[QUOTE=jayjay;673469]Well, I guess that's one step up from "I can have women friends but she can't have any male friends." LOL[/QUOTE]
Actually I think it applies to both sexes, but really my point was that it just doesn't work to have close friends of the opposite sex when you're in a committed relationship. Most cheating that occurs involves a friend. If you think you and your partner are going to be exceptions to this rule, good luck to you both.
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