“I've never been married, though I was engaged once back in college ...but that ended back in 2001. I'll be completing my masters Dec. 2008. While I'd like to complete my ten years where I'm working at now (after I graduate it'll only be 2.5 years left)... for the right guy, I'd be willing to move before then.”
“I like to think of myself as mellow and friendly. I have solid priorities but respect people of all backgrounds. I've always been proud of the fact that I count among my friends conservatives, liberals, republicans, democrats. The variety can be a little challenging but also extremely rewearding. I feel very blessed!”
“A curious introvert. I've been around the world on mission trips and for work, but most weekends I prefer to sit home with my cats, a cup of coffee and a good book. I've worked as an Interpreter for the deaf in public schools, a robotics programmer, and a janitor. I absolutely hated English in school but now I write (one book of poetry finished and one fantasy novel looking for a publisher/agent.) I'm not good at creating art but I do appreciate it.”
Is it them or is it you? Your ambivalence towards love and relationships could be sabotaging your chances at meeting the right person. Learn how to overcome ambivalence without ignoring your instincts.
Of course no one thinks they are ambivalent. But in her book “If I’m so Wonderful Why Am I Still Single?” Susan Page points out that many people have a hidden ambivalence towards a real relationship. Page discusses the two groups of involuntary singles: those who want a relationship but haven’t found the right person yet, and those who consciously or unconsciously are ambivalent.
Both types say they want a relationship but the ambivalent find these things equally or more important:
Not having to take Risks
Progressing in my Career
Hanging on to my great Lifestyle
Avoiding Pain
Keeping my Secrets to Myself
The good news is there are ways to minimize your ambivalence and take control of your desire for a relationship. As Page explains, “When you get your ambivalence out in the open, you can make choices about it.”
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Pay attention to signs of confusion – Things like fear, doubts, hesitation, endless debates in your head, and obsessive conversations with your friends indicate ambivalence about creating a relationship. Realize that if you can’t decide what you want, you may never get it.
Be realistic about your goals – “You will not be able to silence all the competing voices in your head,” Page writes. Instead, you want to be able to make a confident decision in the face of these divergent opinions. All important decisions are made with insufficient data – If you wait until you are 100% positive about the outcome you will never make a decision.
You can act in the presence of ambivalence – If you are really stuck, Page suggests that you pretend that you aren’t ambivalent. It is your actions that will get results, so you can behave as though a loving relationship is a strong priority. This action in the face of ambivalence will often help you decide, one way or the other, where your heart really lies.
Remember that ambivalence is not good or bad, it just is. Vilifying these feelings will not make them go away, and it is more beneficial to acknowledge the value of all these different perspectives. Ambivalence is a wonderful safety valve that encourages you to carefully consider important decisions. Learning to work with that tool is the key to a rich and successful decision.
I am not at all ambivalent about arelationship. I am open to casual relationshps--one night stand with or without sex--usually without. Longer tem relationshps with or without sex--uusally with. Friendships with or without sex--a mixed bag so to speak.
But I come first. I have my studies.I have my futurecareer goals. I have my travel goals. All of this comes way before any relationship.
No. I am not ambivalent about relationships. I love being single and free to do as I please. I don't want to have to ask permission to turn my music way up; I don't want to negotiate what I am going to eat for supper; I want both sides of the bed; I don't want to clean up after anyone-sometimes even myself; I want to take long hot baths whenever I feel like it; I want to stay in control of my sex life--no one owns it and no one gets to tell me I must do it tonight; I don't want to negotiate what television shows are going to be on--I don't even want a tv in the house; I dress the way I want and have no interest in talking about this with some guy--I will show as much of me as I want when I want and don't want or need any guy telling me not to do so: I expect to be sexually pleasured and if the guy is unwilling to do so he is the one who is wrong not me and it is him not me who will be sent packing--the list could be extended.
I am not at all ambivalent: I plan on jealouslyguarding my rights to live life on my terms. Does this make me selfish and unmarriable? Probably...so be it.
it kinda scares me that there is a lot of this post that i can relate to. sometimes i think that being with another person will be a burden and stifling instead of something enriching.
For about a year there, I was starting to think I was ambivalent. Then I started communicating with someone on eHarmony who I was excited about from the start, was eager toward e-mailing and calling her and enthusiastic about our meeting and thrilled after we met ... of course after all that, she decided she wasn't interested. But I certainly realized that I was not ambivalent about relationships, just ambivalent about the particular women I'd been meeting before her and after her. Certainly renewed my confidence that I know what I'm looking for, and can find it.
Are there people out there who are ambivalent about relationships in general? Probably. The article hits on a few reasons why people might be that way: not taking risks, career, hanging on to a particular lifestyle, avoiding pain, keeping secrets.
Lifestyle is probably the one that affects me most. If I don't see somebody as being compatible with my lifestyle, we are not a good match. But I'm not sure if that's ambivalence. You know what you want.
The other 4 are less about what you know and more about risk and the unknown. One of the more annoying things I see in profiles are the early 30-something women who are "now ready" to settle down (or whatever they choose to call it). I just turned 40, have been "ready" my entire adult life (with the admission now that I'm glad I didn't marry young), and have not found someone yet. It isn't a switch that you magically turn on and it just happens. Yes, there's risk, there's heartbreak and pain, and you will have to give something of yourself to get something in return. But, I'm not sure if this is ambivalence either.
Just get in the game, take risks, and [B]believe[/B] you will find someone you want to merge a career path with, want to co-mingle a lifestyle with, and want to share your pain and secrets with. You aren't going to win from the sideline.
I think this is what annoys me most when people are so picky. You can call it ambilvalence, but I call it being unrealistic.
It's like they're waiting around for the perfect situation. Some guy who makes a ton of money and is totally hot.
And they're not willing "to settle".
It's like why even bother? You are being completely rude and insulting to people that are serious about making a go at it.
Stop being ambivalent and just stop looking. Or expect some hate coming your way.
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