10 Reasons he Won't Commit

Feeling confused because your sweetie refuses to take your relationship to the next level? One or more of these 10 things could be standing in his way.

by eHarmony Staff

As far as you’re concerned, you’ve found “the one” – only he isn’t quite ready to be your “number two.” He resolutely refuses to indicate his commitment. So how come you’re ready to settle down, yet he isn’t? Here are 10 possible reasons why he won’t commit.

1) He’s Not Over His Ex

Well, of course he says he’s completely over his ex. There’s even a chance he believed it himself too – and that it took getting involved with another woman for him to realize he wasn’t.

2) He Had a Bad Experience with his Ex

If he’s still bearing the scars from a bad breakup, chances are that he’s not ready to leap into another one. Depending on how badly that relationship ended, it could take him some time to realize that you’re not going to cause the same damage. Right now, he may be looking for signs that it’s all going to go to hell in a handbasket – and, of course, the more he looks, the more he’ll find. It’ll take a fair degree of patience on your side to get beyond this.

3) There’s Someone Else in the Picture

If you’ve not officially declared yourselves “exclusive” or if your boyfriend has a history as a double-dater, he could be sidetracked by other opportunities. Some men like to keep their options up in the air for as long as possible before making a decision, and unfortunately, you could be the unwitting victim. Watch out for the obvious signs – mysterious schedules, dubious stories, regular periods when he is incommunicado – and if you’re still concerned, ask him straight out.

4) He’s Totally Happy with His Life

Despite dipping their toes into the dating pool, some men actually don’t want a girlfriend. Sure, he may enjoy the companionship and those other relationship benefits, but only as an adjunct to the rest of his life. If his priorities are his friends, his hobbies or even his basic “me” time, he’s only going to have a little extra room for the joy and wonder of you − which is fair enough, unless you’re wanting a more central position in your partner’s life. If you do, you may have to look elsewhere.

5) It’s All About the Money

Money can be an issue in many relationships, but it can also stop a man from committing to a relationship in the first place. Maybe his focus is on work and he wants to become more established and earn a decent wage − maybe own his own home too − before channeling his energy and time into a relationship. Or perhaps he’s seen firsthand how a divorce can destroy a man’s financial standing, and he’s just not ready to take that risk. In the first case, he’ll need to know that you understand his ambitions and that you won’t get in the way; in the second, offering a prenuptial agreement (while it may not sound romantic) could put his mind at rest.

6) He’s a Romance Junkie

Some men are addicted to the process or even just the idea of falling in love. They love the flirting, the first dates, the getting-to-know-you stage and the chance to tell all their stories to fresh ears. Once they have passed this stage, however, they’re bored and ready for the next bit of excitement. Again, check out his relationship history to see if your man is a romance junkie; look out for a number of one- and two-month relationships.

7) He’s Feeling Pushed

Sometimes even willing partners can feel so pressured into being in a relationship that they’ll run away. Men – and women too − generally need a little time to figure out if a certain person is the one they want to spend the rest of their life with, and they don’t like to feel that they’re being coerced into making a decision. So while it’s important that he knows how you feel, don’t discuss your first home together or your favorite baby names until you’ve had the time to genuinely establish a relationship.

8) He’s Not Ready for the Responsibility

Along with powerful love come great responsibilities, but not every would-be romantic is quite ready for them. So while he may be thoroughly enjoying your time together, perhaps he’s not at a point in his life where he wants to truly consider someone else’s point of view. He likes you, but he’s not ready to mop your brow when you’re sick or comfort you when you lose a pet, preferring an easy-breezy – and yes, selfish – lifestyle instead. And if your biological clock is ticking, he might not want to be around when the alarm goes off. Or, if you already have kids, he may not be ready for the whole family package.

9) He Only Wants Sex

Who would believe it? Some men want to be in a relationship simply so they have easy access to sex. For these men, the old saying rings true: Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? Why should they commit to a deeper, longer-term relationship if all they’re after is what they’re already getting?

10) You’re Just Not that One

We all know of the “he’s just not that into you” syndrome, but why would he even bother if he weren’t? Simply because it’s easy, it’s there and it’s available. You are an enjoyable part of his life – but regrettably, a not-too-important part. He knows you’re not “the one,” but he kind of likes hanging out and, to put it bluntly, you’ll do until something better comes along. He may not even be conscious of how callous that is; instead, he is just mildly aware of an underlying feeling that this is not forever.So, consider whether any of these may be a reason for his lack of commitment. If you’re looking for something more permanent, it’s your move.