Your Honey and Your Money: 5 Conversations every Couple needs to have about Finances
You’ve finally met your dream partner. They’re gorgeous, smart, fun, and your friends love them. But if you haven’t talked about your financial future, you don’t really know each other.
No one wants to talk about money—could there be a less romantic discussion? But money touches every part of your life. It influences where you live, what you drive, what you do with your time, what you eat, how you communicate, and just about everything else. That means it plays a huge role in relationships—for good and bad. In fact, nearly 70% of divorced couples state that money problems were one of the main causes of their divorce. If you and your partner haven’t talked about how you think about and deal with financial issues, you are setting yourselves up for a world of conflict and heartache down the road. 
If you are considering a future together, here are the questions you and your partner need to address:
1) What is your money personality?
We’ve identified five basic money personalities: the Spender, the Saver, the Security Seeker, the Risk Taker, and the Flyer. Each one has strengths and challenges. Spenders tend to be generous and lavish gifts on the people they love, but they can also run themselves—and their partners—into debt, fast. Savers rarely have debt problems, but they can come across as cheap. Risk Takers are always up for an adventure and often become very wealthy, but they usually end up broke—or even bankrupt—at least once along the way. Security Seekers are great planners and know how to use money to build a solid financial future, but they can be short sighted, putting off living life today while they prepare for tomorrow. Flyers simply don’t think about money. They don’t stress about it, and they don’t worry about it. They are passionate about life and relationships. But they can also end up in huge financial trouble because they don’t pay attention to things like bills and overdraft notices. Once you and your partner know your money personalities, you can start talking about ways they can compliment each other—and consider some of the challenges you’ll need to watch out for.
2) What is your current financial situation?
Know that no one wants to have this conversation, but we have seen countless relationships fall apart because one person has a huge debt-load or a history of credit problems that they never mentioned. It’s important to talk about any debt, savings, retirement, or other long-term investments you have. There is no need to worry now about how you’ll deal with the debt or combine investments. Just get everything on the table so you can move forward with clear sense of where each of you are financially.
3) What are your financial goals?
This is your chance to dream together. Do you want to travel? Own a home? Move to another city? Have kids? Stay home with those kids? Be able to care for your parents one day? Help fund an important cause? Then consider how your goals might flow together. Again, you don’t have to sort out the details right now, just dream together. These are the kinds of conversations that lay the foundation of healthy financial communication down the road. When you remember the dreams and goals you have, you can get through whatever money conflicts come along.
4) How do you feel about combining your finances in the future?
We know a lot of couples who prefer to keep separate credit cards, separate checking accounts, and separate investments. In theory, that seems like a good idea, but we always wonder, why don’t they trust each other? There are some legitimate reasons for having “his,” “hers,” and “ours” accounts—easier bookkeeping, clear household and business records, etc.—and as long as there is open communication about these accounts, they are probably okay. However more often than not, we find that couples keep their money separate because they don’t want to relinquish control to the other person. They don’t want anyone else to have access to all of their money. And too often, we see separate accounts turn into secret accounts. And whenever there are secrets in a relationship, trouble is sure to follow. It really does boil down to a trust issue. If you or the person you’re dating feel like you can’t trust the other with your finances, you should think twice about trusting that person with your future.
5) How do you handle conflict?
No matter how great you get along, no matter how compatible your goals are, you will argue about money. Because money touches every part of life, conflicts about money pop up in every part of life. We know couples who argue about their breakfast cereal—he thinks they should stick with the generic brand (he’s a Saver), she wants the organic granola from the co-op (she’s a Spender). They aren’t arguing about cereal, they are arguing about money. So think about the way the two of you handle conflict in general. Are you able to calm down, brainstorm solutions, put the relationship first? Can you stay respectful no matter how angry or frustrated you are? Are you both able to compromise to solve the problem? Money is a hot button in relationships, and it’s essential that you know how to work through potential problems.
Healthy communication is the key to a solid financial relationship. Start talking about money now. It might not be sexy, but it can make the difference between a relationship that thrives and one that falls apart.
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33starlight
April 10,2009 at 06:48 amMarried less than a month and even with the Money talk we still had MAJOR issues. Five miserable months later he moved me back to my house (than hadn't sold in this market) in Texas and we will be getting divorced. I was the security (Saver) and he was the Risk taker (Spender) which was fun during dating but I just didn't know he was exhausting his resources and looked for me to provide the income after the wedding. Sure all the roses and his help with a $600 AC repair bill was wonderful and he called me his "Angel". Couldn't have felt more loved and cared for. UNITL the day after the wedding. Then he started putting pressure for me to cash in my 401K, no matter what the losses. And he drew a line and said if I didn't sell my truck, it proved I didn't love him. The truck got sold and we made the buyer a "good deal". Now I had to borrow money from family to find a car after he dumped me back in Texas without any transportation. I'm 50+ and not stupid so I don't know how I got here. I had been single for 20+ years raising my daughter as a single parent and just wanted a "companion" to finish life together. He was looking for someone to pay the bills for the rest of our lives. He didn't want me to work outside the home and was very insecure, trusted me but not all the "swinging dicks" and began cursing me everyday. I didn't know I could be so miserable and lonely after I married. He stopped getting me any flowers because he said I didn't deserve them! Besides I would have been paying for them from the IRA accounts I was cashing in to pay his monthly bills. Besides the house that would be sold I didn't have any loans or monthly bills. But on his side we had house, new car and plastic surgery payments, Yes, I got to help pay for his face lift! That was another surprise, $300 payments at 22% interest! Should have gotten all the details but I was in love and he did tell me about the bills just not about the lack of any other resources on his side. He now put some property up for sale and had to get a job. I'm still trying to get a job and my heart is broken. "No experience is ever wasted" I have FAITH and have felt the presence of God during this trial and I will return to the LIVING and find JOY again one day. I heart still aches to have a companion but the cost was so high. Yes, he didnt want any seperate finances, just for me to pay the bills with no resources from him.......... so I guess there was a TRUST issue. I didn't trust we would have anything left in 5 years and he would be over 70 years old! He didnt want to discuss it after we were married. He didn't worry, I literally could not sleep at nite over paying the bills.
DSNTMTERDUMASS
March 20,2009 at 10:20 pmAre you kidding????? Two serious people whom want a relationship HAVE their own property/private property. There are too many gold diggers out there. There are people who have their own property/possesions. Most states reconize these laws. For an "ADULT" connection service, I would expect more professional advice. I did refrain from what I felt, the truth of expression with colorful expressions!!!! Get with the program!!! Welcome to the real world. WE all should be employed by AIG.
KITdog
March 20,2009 at 09:59 pmBravo JavaJava5,
Very well said. I can see that God has taught you a lot!!! You really get it.
I have tried very hard to be generous all my life, Guarding my spending but generous because it all belongs to God in the first place. Our God is a generous God, and we need to follow His example. Once people realize that, and really take it to heart, it makes giving VERY EASY. I have NEVER in my life seen the generous forsaken or begging bread. The blessings one receives from giving far outweigh the security one retains from hoarding or being a tightwad.
Jamesp81, I recommend you take to heart JavaJava5's counsel, shegives GREAT advice. I started with nothing, but God has given me stewardship over much, but I recognize everyday that it is still ALL God's! ... And I thank Him for trusting me with his stuff.
KITdog
nerdlover82
March 20,2009 at 09:29 amI disagree with #4. Both my significant other an I are very independent people. I see us keeping our own investments and bank accounts in the future. To top that, I would even say that I'm likely to keep my last name if we get married. Sure we might have a joint account that we both contribute to for things like house payments and bills, but I don't see how having our own accounts makes us "secretive" in any way. I also don't see how "relinquishing control" to a partner is an important facet of marriage. I think as long as both people trust each other and are comfortable with the situation then it is just fine to have separate accounts.
javajava5
March 18,2009 at 11:40 pmDear JamesP81,
Hmm, this is interesting! What's this about being a "massive tightwad?"
Went to your eHA profile page here and saw you're a Christian, plus, I'd already suspected that from having read many of your posts in threads. How does that fit into your Christian walk?
Considering that God owns it all anyway and has given us whatever to be good stewards, shouldn't we, as Believers, seek to be as generous as possible with all God has given us - time, money, our spiritual gifts, the Fruits of the Spirit?
How does being a tightwad, or spending money wildly on one's self for that matter, glorify God? We're to be good stewards - not tightwads, not wildly spending - but being God's hands and arms on earth in caring for our families and helping others.
I know the story of a couple where the man was as tight as all get out and his wife was very generous with others - with her time, talents, and money. I repeatedly saw how God blessed the lady and multipled to her many times, but the man never was blessed. It had a huge impact on me!
Do you remember the Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25: 14 - 30, Holy Bible? The one who hoarded his master's money and did not multiple it? He was thrown out into the darkness and what had been given to him was taken away from him and given to the servant who had multipled the 10 talents given him.
When a person is a tightwad, they're essentially not trusting God that He will supply their need and so they lose what God might have blessed them with in their efforts to hang onto what is God's anyway. I'm not talking about being irresponsible in spending here but being as generous as possible with everything God has given us.
He just lets us have it for our short time on earth but we're to be doing His work with what He has given us. It's about faith and trust in what He says He will do and how He will care for us.
"I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread." Psalm 37: 25, Holy Bible, King James Version
When a person is a "massive tightwad," he or she is only cheating him- or herself out of God's many blessings that He wants to give the person. If we're faithful in small things, then He entrusts us with bigger things.
The important principle to remember here is, "It's all God's! He owns in all! How are we serving Him through what He had entrusted to us of His?" If God had a good Proverbs 31 woman for you, would you rather hoard God's money He's entrusted you because of being a tightward and afraid to spend any money than to cleave to the wife He'd like to give you?
JavaJava5
jamesp81
March 18,2009 at 07:13 amThis is one of several reasons marriage won't work for me. I'm a massive tightwad.
Mokkesofie
March 18,2009 at 02:42 amIt all depends on where in life you are. If you are young starting a relationship or if you are older and thereby settled. I am 56 and was married for 33 years. Afterthat many years you have accumulated a lot of "stuff", a lot of it of a certain value, which you want to leave to your children and nobody else. If I was to be so lucky as to get into a serious relationship I would want to share the daily life's expenses but apart from that I would have nothing to do with his money and he would have nothing to do with mine. I would be willing to sign a prenup and I would expect him to do the same.
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