Should you Snitch on your Cheating Friend?
Your good friend Susan loves her boyfriend Jim—so why is she at the bar across the street with her arms around a strange guy? When you catch a friend violating the trust of the relationship he or she is in, is it your responsibility to tell?
It may be tempting when you know about an indiscretion not to tell. It’s a lot of pressure to put on one person, and anyway, your mom always told you to mind your own business.
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What Constitutes Cheating?
First of all, let’s define our terms. Being in a monogamous, committed relationship means being faithful, and that doesn’t include just sexual fidelity—it means reserving one’s romantic affection of any type, including passionate kisses and flirty emails, for the person you’re dating. Any form of violation of that trust, any sharing of one’s romantic side with a third party, would probably be considered cheating by the partner whose trust was violated.
What’s the Severity?
But before you go rushing off to tattle to your friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend, ask yourself this: how serious is the offense? Some types of cheating are worse than others, and different types deserve different reactions.
For example, if you see your friend Liz drunkenly flirting with the drummer of the band you both just saw play, that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s looking to cheat on her boyfriend, Mike. It definitely would be hurtful to Mike if he saw it. But then again, she may be flirting for all kinds of reasons (to help her feel young, to get back at Mike for an argument, to make her girlfriends laugh) that don’t translate into a real desire to date or make out with a random drummer.
Your friendship instincts probably scream out “Protect Mike!” But in a case of low-level cheating like this, the best way to protect Mike and his relationship is actually to talk to Liz. And it’s well within your rights as a friend to call it like you see it:
“Hey, you were talking a little too friendly with that guy. And you were disrespecting Mike, when you know how much he worships you. I don’t want to have to be two-faced around your boyfriend if you flirt with guys behind his back, so if I ever see you doing something like that again, I’m not going to hide it from him.”
Your friend might be a bit hurt or caught off guard. But if you stress that you’re giving her a friendly warning because you want her relationship to succeed, in the long run she’ll thank you for your candor. Deep down, your friends know they need to be faithful in their relationships, even on a purely emotional level.
Caught in the Act
But what do you do if you catch your friend, who’s in a committed relationship, doing more than just flirting with a stranger? In the case of our fictitious couple, what if you catch Mike on a secret lunch date with that curvy redhead he pretends not to know? Or worse, what if you accidentally see a wayward email that proves Mike was spending time with another woman when he was supposed to be on that business trip in Miami?
In this case, your friends’ relationship is really on the line, and you know keeping Mike’s secret would be wrong to Liz. If sexual infidelity is going on, it’s even more important to tell, because Liz’s health as well as her trust would be compromised if Mike contracts an STD.
But even in this scenario, if you feel Mike really loves Liz and just made a profound mistake by cheating, it may be advisable to give him a chance to make things right: Liz might do better to hear about the cheating from Mike himself. It’s never enjoyable to learn that your girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse is cheating. But if your boyfriend tells you himself, and at the same time stresses the lesson he’s learned and the steps he’s taken to ensure that it never happens again, healing can happen faster than if you hear it “through the grapevine.” In this case, you can gently explain to Mike that he has a deadline of, say, a week or less to tell Liz, and if he doesn’t, he won’t get the luxury of telling her in his own words.
The Unrepentant Philanderer
But what do you do if your friend has become a shameless cheat, who has no intention of changing his or her ways? What if the friend is even having a long-running affair or numerous affairs, and you’ve already talked with him or her but see no light at the end of the tunnel?
If you feel morally compelled to let your friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend know about the cheating, be prepared for a rough experience. Let’s say Liz is the one constantly cheating on Mike. Mike is almost certainly aware that something weird is going on—she’s probably exhibiting emotional distance, or defensiveness, or evasiveness, or irritation caused by her guilt, and there may also have been problems in their relationship leading up to her affairs. Then again, Mike may be totally in denial, allowing himself to be fooled because the knowledge of being cheated on feels somehow more shameful than living the lie.
Minimize the shock and anger that Mike might feel by coming prepared. When you meet to tell him Liz’s secret, have resources ready, such as the phone numbers of good marital or relationship counselors that he can turn to. If Mike and Liz are a couple with children, offer to babysit or help out so that they can have some alone time to process things. If it makes things easier for you, bring another close friend with you—not only will Mike feel more support from more than one person, but it will help you back up your story if Mike is in such disbelief that he tries to argue with you about what you know. And let Mike know that no matter what decision he makes in regard to his relationship with Liz, you’ll stand by him.
The End of the Friendship?
One sad fact about infidelity is that it hurts so much that people will sometimes blame everyone but themselves and their partner. If you feel compelled to tell your friend’s spouse or partner that their loved one has been cheating, be prepared to lose one or both parties in the relationship as friends. However, if you’re lucky, and if your intervention comes in time, you might just help steer their relationship back on track toward a richer, more trusting and respectful love. At the very least, they’ll know that you are a person who cares enough about them to put their relationship needs above your own comfort.
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ricosalsero
June 4,2010 at 06:32 pmI believe the more mature thing to do is to realize that we should not be playing god. If one of our close friends is doing something we do not particularly believe in, we can either confront them and only them, or move out of an even life-long friendship relationship. Personally, we can never know anyone well enough (come on, it is difficult enough to try to know ourselves well enough, for that matter) to try to judge in the context of their own personal circumstances what they decide to do. The best bet is to stay away, and let them roll. After all, this is not your life, and you really should mind your own business. On the more practical side of things, remember where you stand in your relationship with your friend, and not in your friend's relationship with his/her partner. Unless it is a really really good friend, any alternative marriage arrangements might be well unbeknownst to you and others around you. Last but not least, can you really say that you will never be in a similar, maybe not so blatently obvious situation? (right now a lot of you are probably thinking, sure I can! - Well statistically speaking, so did most of the people that end-up cheating anyways... a somewhat scary side-thought!) We are humans, sometimes we sin... (really?) Wow! so much for playing god, I'm sure your friend will have a fun come-back some day.
Again, it is of utmost importance to know where you stand with your friend, and to treat matters objectively in the context of your relationship... I remember when I was in high school, I thought quite differently... In a heart-beat I would have rushed to tell the gossip - Now I am more mature and although this might be tempting or I might at times think I will be helping someone, or playing police, it really is not something I should try or is even my business...
Come on!........ Move on, if you cannot condone this... be mature. And as for people that cannot mind their own business, I really don't think too highly of them.
wpcash
April 5,2009 at 11:06 amInfidelity does not work folks & whether or not to snitch is obviously a dicey gauntlet to run with liability lurking at every turn so i would have to let the ax fall on the guilty party because i believe the victim has the right as well as the need to know. Doing the right thing or a good deed does not always come with rewards & indeed could be very costly.
wpcash
April 5,2009 at 10:49 amMy best friends Tim & Robin were into "open cheating" where they let each other unbeknownst to me & Robin was "dying" to make it with me which i did not know either but it had been becoming obvious that she was more than attracted to me & finally he just told me to "she wants you togo back there & _ _ _ _ her". I told him this will destroy our friendship & he just laughed saying it was nothing to go ahead.I was floored as these were really good friends & i knew without any reservation that it would destroy our friendship if i did & she would hate me with a passion if i didn't so i did & we had a great time for 3 days though i had the nagging feeling that all hell was about to break loose which it did & 10 years as best friends ended. It was very painful & sometime later i saw Robin & we just sat holding each other in her car crying. I wished her well & reminded her that her & Tim had been together since they were 12 yrs. old. I have seen neither in 16 yrs. but wish them well.
blueiris
April 3,2009 at 08:38 amSomeone who has been in my life for a very long timehas been cheating on her husband since the inception of the marriage (with her boss). They have been married about 10 years. Husband does not know that she had gotten pregnant by her boss or that if her boss gave her the indication that he would leave his wife for her that she would be there beforehe knew what had happened. A very sad story. I have distanced myself from this friend due to her low morals, deceit, etc.,and her need to have it all. I have thought about "secretly" sending him a note to let him know and then I think about the two young sons (one of which may not be his) and thethought of what I would be doing to two families hits me. The boss is very successful and he would no doubtfind a way of making everyone believe that the accusation was a lie. They have sex on his private plane, in his office and anywhere they can get away without witnesses. When her boys find out what she was doing to their dad -- all hell will break loose. Who knows, maybe she will continue to get away with living a double life. By the way, she somehow justifies to herself that what she doing is okay. I have personally never heard her say that she regrets what she is doing to her husband or her boys (who she says are her life).
monty47a
March 15,2009 at 07:23 pm"I need help"
My ex-wife cheated on me and continued to do so even after I found out. That is why she is now ex.
My problem is that he, I think, has a problem of arrogance and history of this sort of thing. So do I tell his current partner, who at the time was 8 mths pregnant with their first child and he in his second marriage. I believe that they are still together however, I feel for her living with that sort of person.
Suggestions please.
BikerBeagle
January 27,2009 at 07:02 amSo, basically, the answer to "Should you snitch on your cheating friend?" is ...it's up to you, do what you think is right ...
Wow, what insight!
As for me, I'd probably tell ...but I'm a chicken =P, so I'd send an anonymous letter/note (cut out newspaper like a ransom note) simply stating "your husband/wife is cheating on you". All I have to do to clear my conscience is to plant the seed, what that person decides to do with the information is up to them.
Thankfully, I've never been in this situation, though.
angelofmerci
January 25,2009 at 08:55 pmI read this post through and decided not to post my opinion. While I was walking my dog I gave this subject more thought. Two things come to mind. First is in the story of Cain and Abel where God asks Cain where his brother is. Cain replies "Am I my brother's keeper?" Second is the one of the Ten Commandments..."do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
Think about these two things when you discover a friend or relative cheating, then do what you can live with.
tbesq
January 25,2009 at 07:42 pmI have never snitched on a friend that was cheating, but I have sometimes dropped a bread crumb or two.
Stryker80
January 25,2009 at 05:26 pmDon't do it. Plain and simple. Let the couple work things out for themselves. It is a part of life to have a relationshipto find out if it is right for you and what you like and don't like in a person.
I cheated on my former girlfiend in a long distance relationship several times with3 womenover a period of 4 years. I even told a good friend of mine how guilty I felt when I did it. The friend (a she) told me to fess up. I didn't. Afew months later I hung out with her aloneandwe shared a drunken kiss. I then realized she was telling me to fess up so I could "date" her. I talked to her about the kiss and asked her not to tell because I did love mygirlfriend. She agreed and we are still friends.
Did I regret all that happened? Yes. Why did I do it? Because I was young and we where not living near each other. The feeling of being a couple was not there so I was being dumb and looked for alternative compassion. I never did tell her and once she finshed her BA at age 25 we both got married. After 8 years of being in ahappy marriage she still does not know and doesn't need to know. I have not even looked at another women since I put that ring on her finger and we started living together again. I love her and would not have it any other way.
Stryker80
January 25,2009 at 05:24 pmDon't do it. Plain and simple. Let the couple work things out for themselves. It is a part of life to have a relationshipto find out if it is right for you and what you like and don't like in a person.
I cheated on my former girlfiend in a long distance relationship several times with3 womenover a period of 4 years. I even told a good friend of mine how guilty I felt when I did it. The friend (a she) told me to fess up. I didn't. Afew months later I hung out with her aloneandwe shared a drunken kiss. I then realized she was telling me to fess up so I could "date" her. I talked to her about the kiss and asked her not to tell because I did love mygirlfriend. She agreed and we are still friends.
Did I regret all that happened? Yes. Why did I do it? Because I was young and we where not living near each other. The feeling of being a couple was not there so I was being dumb and looked for alternative compassion. I never did tell her and once she finshed her BA at age 25 we both got married. After 8 years of being in ahappy marriage she still does not know and doesn't need to know. I have not even looked at another women since I put that ring on her finger and we started living together again. I love her and would not have it any other way.
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