Is Your Friend Really a "Frenemy"?
In the worlds of dating, personal success and self-esteem, our close friends are our bedrock. They give us a foundation of acceptance and advice, a solid base from which we can build ourselves into the people we want to become. But if we choose our friends poorly, their bad intentions can nibble away at our self-esteem like termites on a floorboard. Look around you – is that friend who’s hanging out at your house using you emotionally to make herself feel better? Is she a true friend or a “frenemy”?
Is she Complimenting you or Keeping you in your Place?
The hard thing about spotting frenemies is that they usually don’t intend to hurt you. They just want to boost their own egos and feel superior. And the best way to do that is to make someone else, namely you, toe the line just behind where they want to be standing. A frenemy, therefore, uses compliments that have a demeaning subtext. Be wary if your friend gives you backhanded compliments like these:
“Those boots look pretty good for someone with your build.”
“He seems much better than the guys you normally attract.”
“If I were you, I’d be very happy to get flowers!”
These so-called compliments are a frenemy’s way of letting you know that she has lower standards for you than she has for herself. And that can be worse for your self-esteem than any putdown from a known enemy.
A frenemy will make constant suggestions that seem helpful, but she really only makes them to buttress her sense of self-superiority. When it comes to clothes, she may suggest that you wear something, and then smirk and say that she’d never wear something like that herself. When it comes to dating, a frenemy may constantly encourage you to date guys or gals who are really wrong for you or whom you may not even find attractive or interesting. Your frenemy may hint that the person you have the hots for would never stoop to dating someone like you. Whatever they say, frenemies tend to talk to you in ways that chip away at your self-esteem.
Is She Helping You Edit Your Best Self or Rewriting Your Best Traits?
Now, not all criticisms are bad. One of the great things about friends is that we can reveal ourselves to them, warts and all, and expect some positive feedback.
Sure, sometimes our little quirks may annoy our friends to death, and vice versa! But friends accept us for who we are and try to help us anyway. If we ride in the rodeo, they’ll tell us which lariat works best with our silver spurs. If we play Dungeons and Dragons, they always want us to roll a 12 on our 12-sided die, even if they tell us not to talk about elves so much in public. They care about us and want us to make a great first (and second impression) on the people we’re dating, while still making sure we’re true to our wonderful, lovable selves.
A frenemy, on the other hand, might see a success in your personal life as an affront to her. If she chooses not to go bicycling with you, and you wind up meeting a great guy who’s into 10-speeds and actually looks good in bike shorts, in her mind, that means he’s a loser. She’ll probably let you know in no uncertain terms how ridiculous she finds your new beau and your biking hobby, in general, all the while trying to drag you to her favorite activities and negating what you want to do. Her words are coming from a place of jealousy and self-doubt. Your successes seem to prove that she’s not really a step ahead of you and that she doesn’t really have all the answers. To correct this, she’ll try to get you feeling bad about yourself so that she can corral you back into line behind her.
So watch out if you find your friend attacking you for the things you love about yourself the most. A friend who tells you which Foghat T-shirt looks the least geeky is a true friend, but the friend who tells you that your taste in shirts and bands is passé may be trying to put you down to bolster her own self-worth. And that’s not a friend you can count on.
What You Say About Her Says It All
Unfortunately, the friend vs. frenemy debate is not a hard-and-fast comparison. Most of our friends are going to have cranky days once in a while. But most of the time, we should find their imperfections endearing. The fact that Danny always spills his drink everywhere and Suzy sings R.E.M. songs at her desk may annoy us. But even when we complain, we’ve got big grins on our faces.
Not so with frenemies. If you feel devastated after a phone call with her, that’s a bad sign. If you’re talking with other friends and find yourself constantly complaining about the way a certain friend talks to you,” or worse, constantly asking your other friends for reassurance about doubts in your mind planted by that friend, then you may be in a toxic relationship that is holding you back from being at your best.
Next time your friend calls to come over or do something with you, after you hang up the phone, think about what you’d say if you had people over to talk with. Is your impulse to cheer that your friend is going to spend time with you? Or do you want to open the window and scream, “Why does Lucinda talk to me like that?” Know the signs and make sure that you don’t let yourself get bogged down by spies in the house of friendship.
Are some of your friends “frenemies”? Are there other things friends can do besides the ones listed here to wind up in your frenemy zone? And are those friendships salvageable? Let us know your thoughts and experiences from your own friendships.
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mb45shaw
June 14,2011 at 10:33 amHey I have been searching a long time to find the frenemy. I have had a neighbor who was my close friend for 11 years until the frenemy moved in. I knew when I first met the frenemy she was trouble. We all love horses and my friend and I would ride on several occassions. Her daughters were always involved in the queeen Rodeo Pagents and I would help every year. Doing makeup and hair getting horses ready for the event. I have been pushed out of this now by the frenemy. Anyway first off the frenemy wanted to loan my friend money for a down payment on a horse. They were only friends for a very short time first red flag!! I did not like this women from the begginning. I tried to warn my friend about her she would not listen. She started doing stuff to get rid of me. She told my friend my daughter yelled at her on the phone one day. The war was on. Again tried to warn my friend about this women. She just think she is wonderful but at the same time she knows she is controlling and obssesive with her. So she tells me the frenemy has bi-polar issues. Ya right!! This women knows exactly what she is doing. So this has gone on for about 4 or 5 years now. I have made up with the frenemy so I could be at peace about it. She is still pulling crap to this day. I have finally decided to take myself out of the picture. Eventually the monster will rears its ugly head. I hope. I had gotten a new horse last year and they said they would invite me but it has not happened. The other day my friend and I got into again about this frenemy and she would not listen. She had the nerve to make me feel guilty because the frenemy let my daughter ride her horse. She is manipulative and a good con artist. They are trouble making people and then set back and watch the fireworks. They are good at what they do. It is weird this frenemy has no other friends but my friends, another red flag. I have had my feelings hurt. I cant wait for my friend to be on the other end and I will say I told you so. Thanks reading these puts this all in prospective.
ManekiNeko
January 31,2009 at 04:43 pmThey aren't. News flash: There are winners and losers in life. it's determined before you're born, just like your eye color, hair color and gender.
>Try this for a change, get a date and tell NO ONE.<
Easier said than done.
>See how far it goes, when you feel like the woman you are dating is on solid ground with you, share your feelings about some of your friends. Get her perpared for some of their behavior. I'm just saying don't blame it all onyour friends because it sounds like you may have a hand in some of the problem too.<
When women start dating losers, I'll try it.
BlackberryAddict
January 31,2009 at 09:23 amgoolagang123
January 31,2009 at 05:49 amManekiNeko we all have friends that say things about us when we are not in their company. However you should hear what YOU are saying. It sounds like YOU are the one that has decided that the women are not going to be interested in you even before the date gets started.
Try this for a change, get a date and tell NO ONE. See how far it goes, when you feel like the woman you are dating is on solid ground with you, share your feelings about some of your friends. Get her perpared for some of their behavior. I'm just saying don't blame it all onyour friends because it sounds like you may have a hand in some of the problem too.
You can't share EVERYTHING with ALL your friends.
goolagang123
January 31,2009 at 05:43 amI agree keep a fremeny at an arm's distance, but I say keep them. Frememies when kept in their proper places can actually be helpful. Ask them for their advice and then do the exact opposite!!!!
If she says your boyfriend is a loser and drop him, hang on to him with all your might!!!
ManekiNeko
January 24,2009 at 07:30 pmI have been staying on topic... I just expanded the definition to include anyone who doesn't help you in getting a date, including but not limited to:
>I get male friends that talk cr*p about me behind my back, I get female friends that think "Oh, what a great friend. He should have no problem getting a girlfriend, it just won't be me." and even though everyone knows that I'm going to fail 100 times out of 100, whether or not I try, I get people that throw me back out there, full blown KNOWING what's going to happen, so they can laugh at me to feed their confidence, like a vampire sucking the life out of his victims when I fail.<
eH_Advice_Host_Renee
January 24,2009 at 07:11 pmIs your so-called friend really a "Frenemy"--a malicious person who subtly puts you down? If you suspect the answer is yes, it's time to learn the signs and ditch that frenemy fast.
Hi Everyone,
I want to remind eveyone what the topic of this thread is (See post Above). Please keep your remarks on topic. If you wish to discuss another topic or take the discussion in a different direction you are certainly welcome to do so either privately through PM's orcreate a new topic as appropriate.
Also, please be advised that members are expected tointeract with one another in a respectful, courteous manner. If you feel someone is not doing so, we ask that you do not respond to their post, but click the Report Violation link.
We appreciate everyone's cooperation in helping this topic return to theOP question:
Is Your Friend Really a "Frenemy"?
-Renee
eHarmony Advice Host
Uniquecorn
January 24,2009 at 03:40 pmumm you guys need to take your snit elsewhere-- I guess the frenemy thing stimulated something but not clear what- good luck to ya all. I'm out of this one.
ManekiNeko
January 24,2009 at 02:46 pmZana, I thought you were a very smart girl. I think what I want is blatantly obvious.
Simply put, I've done what everyone has asked me to do at some point in time and the only thing that has ever happened to me is that I've been cr*pped on.
So I want to know why -- why is it so GD hard to try to make a relationship work? Why is it that the "only way" is to sacrifice all my rights and become a person with NO independent thought at all so that I won't give a sh!t when the bad things still happen to me?
Why is it that the Optimist Borg who have been destroying my life for years want me to be a part of their collective and they can't even say that the chances of anything getting better is even one scintilla higher than the probability of things getting worse if I do this kind of sacrifice?
I'm an accountant. I deal with numbers. It's what I know. I've already told you my concerns and you want me to blindly jump from the airplane and you can't even say if the chute will work.
------------------
EDIT to be even shorter:
Or if you prefer, I want it to be MUCH MUCH MUCH easier to date and get laid. How's that?
zana
January 23,2009 at 06:11 pmI think that's the best question you will ever hear ManekiNeko -- and its time to be real.... and take responsibility and be honest with us and yourself.... no more sarcasm, no more exaggerations, just honestly being real....
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