How Important is Physical Attraction to You?
Though we encourage our eHarmony members to first focus on their matches’ inner qualities, we understand that physical attraction is important, and, at some point, members will use this quality to evaluate matches as they search for their special someone.
But some members and non-members still believe physical appearance is the most or one of the most important qualities to consider when evaluating someone’s partner potential. So even though the “science behind love” doesn’t show that attractiveness is a quality that predicts and sustains happy, long-term relationships, why do some people use that criteria so soon in the evaluating process? Though this approach can work for some, if it hasn’t been particularly effective in the past, why continue to immediately evaluate your soul mate in this way?
As I consider this approach to finding a mate, I am especially curious about those people who highly value their partner’s level of attractiveness but don’t themselves fall within the upper end of the attractiveness scale. Though physical attractiveness is subjective, there do seem to be some general standards most people agree upon, and most couples, it seems, are within a few levels of attractiveness of each other.
So if you’re someone who’s average or below on the attractiveness scale but highly value a potential partner’s attractiveness, are you open to someone in the same general attractiveness range as you? Or does this preference mean you are only interested in someone who rates high on the attractiveness scale and brings much more to the looks department than you do? Does this mean you won’t consider someone because they aren’t “good looking” or have a physical quality you don’t find attractive, even though you could be similarly discounted by others?
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By and large, people at the top of the attractiveness scale are those fortunate enough to have inherited “very attractive” genes, but there are certainly things everyone can do to be as attractive as possible. So if you require that your partner, say, have a certain body type, do you? If you want your match to have a flat stomach, is yours? If you’re carrying around some extra pounds and don’t think it’s right to be judged negatively because of that, are you evaluating others as you want to be evaluated or making the same sort of judgments?
Now, in no way do I believe that a couple can’t be happy together and have a successful relationship when one partner is quite a bit more attractive than the other. But I’m curious about those people who are only interested in people who are quite a bit more attractive than they because, it seems to me, that this approach is a conundrum. If they value physical appearance highly, how can they expect a much more attractive person to be interested in them? I’ve given this some thought, and come up with a few theories:
1. They're rating themselves too highly. If someone believes they’re several levels of attractiveness higher than they actually are, they feel they’re just as attractive as the people they’re seeking.
2. They have a compensating quality. Their profession or financial status or personality is such that it levels the attractiveness playing field.
3. They’re driven by biology. All things being equal, I think most would agree that being physically attractive has lot of advantages, and the more attractive -- the more the advantages. So, no matter what their own level of attractiveness, some people, consciously or subconsciously, are driven to provide their children with the most attractive genes possible. So regardless of its ultimate effectiveness, they will continue to only consider as potential partners people who are much more attractive than they.
That last theory may seem a bit far fetched, but I really think there may be something to it. So where do you stand? Do you highly value your partner's level of attractiveness or not, and why? Are you only interested in people much more attractive than you or not, and why? Do you have any other comments about my remarks or theories or have thoughts or theories of your own to share? If so, please do!
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LeeAnne305
June 10,2011 at 06:34 pmI don't understand the must-have that states "I must have a partner who is considered 'very attractive' by most current standards."
I ALWAYS close matches that have this as a must-have. Who can live up to that expectation? I'm average, maybe pretty on a really good day, but I would want my partner to find me attractive even when I'm at home with my hair in a ponytail wearing my glasses!
dstnrunner
February 17,2011 at 09:59 pmWhile physical attraction is probably nowhere near the top of anyone's list, it is the first step in a healthy and successful relationship. Physical attraction is to a relationship what a resume is to finding a job. A resume does not guarantee you a job but not having one guarantees you won't even get to interview. In male-female relationships, both parties have to like what they see, ie. mutual attraction. Is it subjective? Absolutely, attractive is in the eyes of the beholder. We are all attracted to different qualities. No one goes about wanting to date someone they don't like to look at.
frogprince
January 27,2011 at 09:46 pmPhysical attraction is subjective. Everytime I get in communicaton with a bunch of women on eharmony I show their photos to a friend and he always picks the ones that he thinks are hot and they are usually the ones I am least attracted to. Well I am attracted to them all in some sense or I would't be communicating with them. But I still have my favorites.
FaintestInkling
January 27,2011 at 09:15 pmThat all sounds very reasonable.
I didn't think you were being unreasonable, but thanks for clarifying anyway! I was curious.
It's interesting how a desirable quality (such as attractiveness) complicates things.
Based on your avatar picture, if you were a friend of a friend of mine, I'd probably try to get him or her to set us up. :)
But if, in the meantime, I found out you possessed one of my many, various dealbreakers (which both includes smoking and illegitimate children), I'd forget about it.
Honestly, I think it must be very hard for people who are very attractive, especially women, because I imagine it is pretty easy to get, for lack of a better word, defensive, concerning people's motivations.
Though I still think better to be attractive than less so ... :)
beccaf87
January 27,2011 at 02:43 pmI disagree (and agree with Ingy). If there is a really hot guy, but then he is a jerk I am NOT going to be attracted to him. It is a total turn off. It DOES effect how I see him. On the other hand, if a not so good looking guy is really sweet and fun I DO see him as more attractive. Yes he looks the same, but in my eyes he looks better and I am attracted to him more.
Like the saying, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
beccaf87
January 27,2011 at 02:39 pmYes you are right, I shouldn't jump to conclusions about his intentions. However I have never met this guy. I have actually never even talked to him. He is my friends friend. From what she has told me, he saw what I looked like and then has been trying to get her to get a date with me. I am not sure of what else she told him about me. But all she said to me was that he said I am pretty and wants to take me out.
The reason I am turning him down has nothing to do with thinking he is shallow. I do think he is cute but I am not attracted to him. More importantly, he is a smoker which is a deal breaker. And he also has drama with an ex girlfriend because he is possibly her babies dad. I do not need any of that. In addition, I wanted a break from dating anyway. (I am not waiting for someone who I deem "attractive" enough for my own level or whatever your friend said")
I do agree that women worry that guys like them just because of their looks. I have had many negative experiences with this. Even male friends (whom now I am not friends with) have told my bfs that they were lucky to have me, not because of who I am, but because of what I look like. So it is true sometimes I do have reservations about it. I am getting better at being able to tell if a guy is more interested in me or my looks though. I can't tell with this guy because I haven't actually spoken to him or met him. It doesn't matter though because he isn't my type anyway.
lunabeach
January 26,2011 at 05:59 pmMy friends teased me about my ex...he was a few inches shorter than me, and I can admit he was definitely not conventionally handsome. But he was sexy. He was also funny, spontaneous, affectionate, very intelligent, motivated, and had lived a very eventful, interesting life for someone so young.
I don't worry about types...no two men I've dated for any extended period have looked alike, but personalities have been similar. And, in the two I really clicked with, how they made me feel was very similar.
Franklin551
January 26,2011 at 05:43 pmThat's simply isn't true. Having a good personality isn't going to give someone a pretty face, larger breast, manly muscles, manly height, etc.
Personality attraction and physical attraction are not one in the same. A good personality does not make the outside pretty, it makes the inside pretty.
Looks will make people interested in you. Personality will keep them interested in you. Personality will NEVER start the process of dating or sexual interest.
To the women who said some of their exs are ugly: What you women have said is distasteful. Who seriously says "I'm pretty, and my boyfriend is ugly. I love him regardless of his ugliness"? People do NOT date and have sex with people they find physically unattractive. You women are ashamed of finding these men physically attractive because you are scare of the reactions of others if you say your boyfriend is hot.
Ingytravel
January 26,2011 at 05:34 pmThe bolded above is what SO many people miss!..It drives me crazy...LOL...quite the pet peeve of mine...haha...but everyone has different 'chemistry'....and as you mentioned...someone could be the most 'gorgeous' man/woman by..who knows standards...but some website...or taking a poll...whatever...but if they have the personality of a rock...or rude...arrogant...low self esteem...they aren't attractive to me no matter what...ie..Mel Gibson...Tom Cruise...etc...blechhhhh
I don't have a 'type'...I just know it and FEEL it when it's in front of me...every one of the men I have dated and been in ltr's with look so different...so people who are so concerned with trying to be some 'ideal' from magazines or movies, etc...are just wasting time out there...paying too much attention to the outside will only get you so far...you have to actual then interact and have friendships/relationships with others...
And yes..someone's amazing personality with being kind, compassionate, not taking themselves too seriously, being confident...this can take an 'average' person and make them beautiful!!! Male or female:)...
If people actually look around at the 99% ...they will see all sorts of types of people matched with one another....all the hollywood stuff is for the 1% of the population...
Again...Franklin...you are living with the 1% mindset..it's not real life...you are just too young to see this yet...and as I've said before...if you keep holding on to this thought process...you are going to keep focusing on the things and women that won't provide you with a healthy, happy and fulfilling long term relationship...
Franklin551
January 26,2011 at 05:23 pmThere seems to be a lot of denial in posts.
Looks are important to everyone. It is impossible to have sex with someone we find unattractive. That will NEVER happen in nature. The only expection is prostitution.
Beauty is not in the eye of the beholder. Beauty is in the eye of society. I can use myself as an example. I use to live with an ear deformity, and by society standards that is very unacceptable to date. It's all in media with people with ear deformities being stupid, evil, disgusting, weirdos, etc. Those are very negative traits being thrown to a group of people with an ear deformity. Some people may say look at Will Smith's ears. One person who makes it does not mean everyone else will. What works for one person will NOT work for everyone else with that same feature(positive or negative).
What do people find naturally attractive? That is impossible to answer. Every culture and society have views for what is attractive and unattractive. In American fat women are considered unattractive, but in other countries fat women are considered to be hotter than slim women. I have a fat friend(no offense) who met this guy from another country and he loved her being fat. He lost physical attraction for her because she started to lose some weight. Natural selection does not exist.
When did being attractive meant your personality is bad. There are unattractive people with awful personalities as well. Looks have NOTHING to do with someone's personality being good or bad.
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