Print
Email
RSS
Often we become attached too quickly because we believe that we’ve found the person who will help us finally achieve our childhood fantasies about love and relationships. We assume that somehow, magically, the problems we’ve encountered in past relationships won’t crop up in this one. But just as there’s no perfect person out there, there’s also no one who’s going to magically make the fairy-tale dream come true. It just doesn’t work that way.
Truth #2: You two aren’t Cinderella and Prince Charming.
A happy and meaningful future is created by two real-life individuals working hard together to blend their lives and deal with the realities of life and love. There’s no magic castle you’ll move into to suddenly discover the happiness you’ve been missing. So instead of searching for a nonexistent Disney character, you should try to meet different people and get to know them well. Look for someone you’re compatible with, someone who’ll be willing to put in the difficult effort of joining two adult lives in a meaningful way. And it takes time; you won’t find all that out on a first date, no matter how enchanting.
Myth #3: There’s someone out there who can “complete me.”
“You complete me” is Tom Cruise’s key line in an extremely romantic moment in the film “Jerry Maguire.” But it perpetuates a destructive myth, which has to do with what you expect another person to be able to do for you: to make you whole and help make up for any deficiencies within yourself. Maybe you’re even aware that this new person in your life has certain flaws — but you still work from an expectation that the new person can rescue you, bring what’s missing into your life, and make you complete.
There’s no doubt about it: a meaningful relationship can bring new joy and enhance your life in countless ways. It can even bring out some of the best parts of yourself and make you a better person overall. But even the best person you date will merely enhance what’s already inside you, not completely fulfill you. When we feel that we aren’t enough by ourselves, we begin to believe that we don’t have it within ourselves to be really happy and experience true contentment. As a result, we look to others, ignoring their faults and expecting them to offer us wholeness and completion.
Truth #3: No single person can or will ever fulfill all my emotional needs, so I need to look to myself. The next time you notice yourself wanting to fully invest in one person right away, remind yourself of this important truth. Even while you enjoy getting to know this new person, continue to invest in other people and activities that fulfill you: friends, family, your career, service opportunities, exercise, social outings, etc. Doing so will reinforce the fact that there are many ways to find fulfillment and help you remember the truth that you’re not dependent on only one person to give you what you want and need. And as an added bonus, this independence will make you more attractive and intriguing and keep you from coming across as needy, since you’ll be spending your time doing interesting things and being with interesting people.
So remember: there’s nothing wrong with becoming attached to someone. In fact, your ability to open your heart and love another is a strength you should value and appreciate. Ultimately, it’s the foundation for a meaningful relationship. But don’t limit that openness and that love to just one person you’ve recently met. Instead, do all you can to enhance it and to slowly nurture it by investing yourself in other people and in activities and by letting love develop over time.
| Page: | << Prev | 1 | 2 |
Recent comments on this article
Read all comments